Do people break up too easily these days?
My husband and I are discussing separation. I am not happy yet he believes he is in love with me and we should stay together.
We have kids together and he has kids to a prior relationship. I think he holds on so much because he doesn't want another broken relationship.
I am so worried about the impact on our kids. I know they are adaptable but is it not better to have parents together rather than 2 homes, 2 celebrations for birthdays and christmas, etc.
I think we could remain amicable if not friends and coparent very well.
He says that I should be happy because he works hard and is a good father. He doesn't perpetrate DV, drink excessively or gamble. He supports me in all my endeavours.
I just don't feel passionate or know if I love him. Is it worth leaving something "safe" for the unknown? Should I try harder to be happy?
We own our own home, both have good jobs and live comfortably. However, there are lots of issues that impact our relationship like his family, his ex, his children from a prior relationship, etc.
22 Replies
There is no such thing as passion all the time in a long term relationship. Passion 99% of the time comes with drama and toxicity. Love also changes over time.
Without knowing the other complications with the family and your husbands reaction to them it’s hard to make a comment.
I think in hindsight so many people do leave and seperate very easily these days. It was never an option years and years ago. Woman just had to deal and make it work because it wasn't as socially acceptable and it wasn't as easy financially either (not saying it's easy these days either because it's still hard) but just saying majority of relationships stayed together and worked through issues, or swept them under the rug because it just wasn't common.
I am all for single parents, and I tilt my hat. And i tell anybody in situations of DV or any shady type of behaviour to run for the hills. I absouletely hate the sterotypical men type who speak to women like shit or think they are above woman. And id never ever let a loved one think its okay to stay in a relationship like that. Thise are all very easy reasons to leave. And if youre experiencing any of that, LEAVE.
But from the small snippet you've written, I don't feel like you should. You have no ill words to say about him. Nothing. Why would you leave someone, you have not a bad thing to say about?
I could be off the mark, but how is your mental health? Hormones? What are your expectations in a relationship/marriage? Are you expecting too much? And don't realise that marriages aren't constant passion and loved up feelings? What exactly is the pin point where you felt like you don't love him anymore? Because you obviously have loved him, you married him and have children, what was your life like before him, are you just feel unfulfilled with the things you didn't get to experience before you settled down with him, and is any other that worth leaving a man who treats you well?
Being miserable is a pretty good reason to leave, for both parties sakes. But put some effort in first, earn your way out of the relationship as Dr Phil says
I think it goes both ways:
People in really toxic relationships, won’t leave when they should.
People in safe, happy relationships get bored and leave when they shouldn’t because they have unrealistic ideas of a long term relationship.
Exactly
YES THIS!!!
No wonder there are so many damaged divorced guys on dating websites with trust issues.
Some of them did it to themselves!
Absolutely agree, many did it to themselves....however, a small minority are tossed away because everyday life got in the way and the passion was gone.
There’s always more to it than that. Us women hide a lot of their shit from people. We’re taught from birth to protect the man, his reputation, and put ourselves last. We make excuses for years, fool ourselves that all those little things that hurt our heart and damage our soul doesn’t really matter. But it does!
For gods sake, I said a SMALL minority, can you accept that there are some men that are hurt by selfish women 😔? Urghhh....I know a woman who has the loveliest husband and she treats him like utter shit, cheats on him, uses him etc. Not all women are lovely, there are some very toxic ones and not all men abusive......there are quite a few men hiding the abuse they suffer, as they are ashamed and embarrassed. More women are abused/murdered by men, but there are some selfish, emotional abusing women out there, have seen it with my own eyes.
If passion is the only problem. Have you tried to reignite it. Often people look back and realise that easy and effortless trumps “passion”
Passion comes with lust. you can fall in and out of lust with your husband for 60+ years, depending on how much effort you put in. Comfortablnes, stability, routine comes with love.
Hmmm. I'm with your husband. Sounds like you want to be single because you miss the lust of a new relationship and don't care who you hurt. I feel sorry for him.
You should be happy because he works hard and is a good father BUT does he put the effort in to loving you? And do you put the effort into loving him? Are the two of you working for the same goals, do you share things with each other? Or are you growing into flatmates who happen to have kids? Many, many parents get into these ruts where they forget that the family started with the two of them and they need to try to recapture some time for each other, and find some of those feelings that remind you why you committed to each other in the first place. Because even if you stay together "for the kids", if you don't focus, at least a little, on your relationship with your partner, you will be one of those couples who separate when the kids have grown and left home because you have grown apart.
No long term marriage/ relationship has passion 100% of the time. With day to day influences kids, work, finances this is when your relationship needs nurturing. Have date nights, snuggle on the couch, have time together alone to nurture what it is you want from your significant other and what they want from you.
Relations take work and are forever changing. I think you need to lower your expectations of passions and long term realtionships and put in some hard work before you call it quits. Just remember the grass is never greener on the otherside. And is only green where you water it.
You may just need some time out- We seperated and working on getting back together. I wish in hindsight we had addressed it at the point you are at now so we didn’t seperate. If I had my time again I would fight and fight hard. Be brutally honest with each other in a respectful way why your both unhappy and work through it together. Cannot stress enough the importance of good counselling for yourself to make sure other factors arnt at play that are contributing to you feeling unhappy. The grass is very rarely greener. Your little humans are worth being absolutely sure
Unfortunately I went form the pot to the fire. The father of my 3 children, 15 years together, a good man, stable, secure, nice home, but no togetherness, let alone intimacy, I was alone and raising the children on my own (while he spent alot of time in his man shed). We tried...we talked, counseling all that, its always complex, too much to fit here..time went by, years..I started marking my calendar daily..Stay, Go, Work it Out..over time I reviewed..majority of my week was Go..not a way to live, and also considering the image of relationships my kids would see, history repeating, acceptance etc worried me...so we separated....Then I thought I was fortunate, given I am not social, to actually meet a man that seemed like a dream come true.....Should have just cut the ties when the gut said, but no..i didn't want to fail again, he was so nice to the kids and we provided the perfect loving family image for a short time, I had thought the benefits outweighed the risk...he changed from public to private..found myself a textbook narcissistic with disorders ta boot, Mr charisma (I did have nice divorce settlement in hindsight)..I was in too deep...11 years later resulted in some serious DV to myself, all levels, but the physical was the calling card, my kids nearly lost me; my now teens were safe but hurt seeing their mum "not being the best person she could be" when around him - Their words...I thought people don't separate when their partners have cancer, mental illness is a disease too...but sorry ....we all deserve the right to feel safe, and not be emotionally tortured..the kick in the guts is when he tells people I abused him but time to let it go...So my long winded story is...Do you and you partner bring out the good, the bad or the ugly in each other...bad can be worked with, Ugly is toxic and time to say See u later AND do not look back (if possible, it can be hard due to kids, financial commitments etc) Reality .... :( Everyone's situation is different..there is no one fits all..genetically we are not meant to be monogamous but our emotions crave it...our ancestors often lived double lives and had skeletons in the closet too..how many were really happy all that time? There is no right or wrong..depends what u both want long term..think 50 years ahead if you have to, be realistic, today's society sucks for supporting marriage while in throw away mode...
Yes and no. For me if I were to leave my husband I would say yes as our issues can be worked on and worked out. My co worker if my husband did to me what her long term partner does to her I would be out the door. It really depends on the actual issues you have. My family would make most men(and the women) run for the hills but my hubby stayed. r.
15 years with my husband. Nearly 8 of that married..... it's not all love and roses.
Stay and fight for your marriage. Fight for the man that loves you and you love. It doesn't always feel passionate. He sounds like a wonderful man.
It's time to find you again. It doesn't sound like it has anything to do with your hubby. Having kids can be so hard on our identity.
I went back to uni to find me. I'm nearly finished. I'm a much better wife and mum because I found something more.
Find a hobby. Go to councilling, work on you first, you'll find the love again.
Don't give up. Young kids are hard on a marriage
Not so much that they give up too easily. I think it’s more a case of people marrying for the wrong reasons.
How long have you been together? And how long have you been feeling like this? That’ll tell us if YOU are giving up too easily
Get some counselling. Both put some work into it then see how you feel in 12 months.
Please take a moment, go to a favourite place where you feel calm, take your shoes and socks off and feel the ground under your feet, feel the sun on your back, smell the roses so to speak, close your eyes and think of the first three things that you hold in your heart. There is no “ happy marriage” without some hard work, hard times and hard loving. I will tell you now my husband and I should not still be together, however, despite the stressors of ex’s, his kids, my kids, his family, my family, mental health, attempted suicide, interstate moves and a never ending shit pile of serious financial stress we are still together. 10 years, 8 married, we definitely hate things about each other at times but see that the trigger to those hates are usually way out of our control and try and work through them together. I know life would be easier without him, without his baggage but I fell in love with him, not his baggage and in time that baggage will get lighter if both help carry each other through the tough times. Yes, I cry at times. I cry because it’s tough and sometimes I’m not happy right then and want to not be there but I cry harder for what I’d lose if I did leave and know my relationship and my love is worth those tears. Communicate lots, talk, text, write little love notes, go on dates, go for a drive together and just enjoy each other’s company, explore each other again and remember why you chose this guy to hold your heart, why you trust him with it. When the car runs low on fuel you refuel it so you can keep on doing things you need to and love, it’s time to refuel your relationship and give it a service so you can keep exploring life together.