Hi, i need some help please mum.
So the situation is i have been seeing my partner for a bit over a year now. He has 3 beautiful kids that i love very much and i have one of my own from a previous relationship. We both have full custody of our children. My daughter's father has never been a part of her life by his choice but my partners situation is more complicated. Their mother is supposed to see the children every other weekend, half the school holidays and call twice a week but rarely follows through. She regularly doesn't call, most weekends get canceled last minute because she makes other plans or the kids end up dumped at her mothers. It breaks my heart seeing them so unhappy and knowing i can't do anything about it. In the time we've been together ive bought all three a wardrobe full of new clothes because everything that came back from their mums ends up damaged.. i try hard to treat them like my own, to be a family unit but like just now i get the wind knocked out of me and a reminder that as much as i love them i'm not their mum.
My partners youngest while staying with their mum fell and hit her head knocking herself out. She's been taken to hospital. No other info at the moment.
My instincts are to rush to be there for her, my partner and his old two kids but ive been told not to. That i'm not family and not their mum.. how do others handle this? I am absolutely heartbroken and so worried. I feel completely helpless.. i know she's not my baby but its hard to switch off these feelings..
please help
Not their mum..
Not their mum..
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage, Parenthood Guilt, Kids
9 Replies
You need to give it time.
A year?!?!?
Who said youre not family, not their mum, and not to come?
Youre family, and youre their stepmother! Ridiculous.
You don't need to be there, I think you need to just wait for more info to see if it's serious or not. I wouldn't want all these extras hanging around if it were my child.
Nobody can give you appropriate advice because you haven’t said who told you not to come.
You and your husband should go. Bugger them. You may not be her mum biologically but you are all her family.
You are doing an amazing job honey. Keep loving them up.
Not to minimise the situation but chances are she just has a concussion, she'll sit in the emergency department for hours, get checked over and stitched up if necessary and sent on her way - at worst, they might keep her in overnight for observation. She really doesn't need to be overwhelmed with people right now which is why I'm guessing you've been asked not to come. Yeah, the way it was said was probably uncalled for but I can understand that under the circumstances, siblings and step mums all faffing about is an added stress that frankly no one needs.
Generally hospital emergency departments only allow the next of kin or legal guardians attend anyway, which you are neither.
Dad should most definitely go if he feels he needs to, then he can keep you informed. If she's admitted and it's quite serious, screw them all and go see her but until and if that happens just take a back seat for the time being.
I think you need to remember (and are beginning to understand) that being a step mum/parent is a thankless job. You care unconditionally, that's admirable and undeniable but I think maybe you need to accept the family's wishes at the moment.
So right now these children don’t have the emotional maturity to realise that you mother them the majority of the time. Don’t expect that yet. It will come with time and age.
Right now they are so desperately focused on how to be and feel loved from their bio mum. They will defend her when she doesn’t deserve it not to hurt you but to save themselves from the thoughts that their mum isn’t like other mums and doesn’t care for them like other mums! So to will Bio mums immediate family.
Your on a rough path and I wish you all the emotional strength and love you will need!
Good luck mumma x
You only need one parent at hospital while you're waiting and being seen if it's not an emergency. Unless it's life threatening, you don't need to run there and then the place will be filled with 3 adults and how many kids. Keep the kids at home. Text to see how she is, send love send funnies, offer to drop off blankets jumpers food water bottle phone charger (after about 5 hours) and once they know what's happening support and maybe swap shifts if shes staying otherwise love on her when she's home, it's not that urgent and after only one year I think it's good to remind yourself to take that little step back.