I feel like there is a massive divide in my family.
I have been married to my husband for 9 years and we have 2 young kids together. My husband had 2 children to a previous relationship which we have every other weekend and half of school holidays.
The mother is high conflict but we had found our groove and for the last 8 years everything was good. The older kids adjusted to their 2 younger siblings however about 9 months ago the 12 year old decided he no longer wanted to visit or have anything to do with us. This has crushed all of us and I suspect the mother was filling her head with half truths. It has been 9 months of heartbreak and different strategies and finally, she has come around and is back part of our family and enjoying regular visits as if nothing ever happened.
I feel so disconnected. I am hurt from the fact she could just walk out and it doesn't seem to affect her. I am scared of my kids getting hurt again if she changes her mind. I also relied heavily on my family whilst going through the emotions of the last 9 months and now I feel my family aren't as accepting of my step kids. I don't know how to feel happier and put my family back together? Otherwise do I take my girls and leave? I am so hurt and don't know if this "step family" life is for me anymore. It is just too hard and exhausting.
7 Replies
I have no suggestions for you, but I get it. 10,000% get it.
She is 12! 🤦🏼♀️ Do you live close by? Does her life stop every other weekend and for half of holidays? Around the same age I hated visitation cause it often meant missing out on things my friends were doing. It’s not necessarily to hurt you. If we took everything our kids did personally we’d all have very big mental health issues. Ride the wave recognise 12 year old hormonal girls can be hideous.
She's a kid!! You're ascribing adult thoughts and emotions to her act and taking it way too personally IMO. Being a kid, she doesn't have the ability to consider the consequences of her actions on others. I doubt she did it to hurt anyone.
Being a child of divorce is hard, especially when the parents aren't always acting in a mature and respectful way. If mum is having a bad influence on her she has probably felt quite confused!
I don't blame you for trying to protect your daughters' feelings, but I think you maybe need to have a chat to hubby and maybe find a way to chat to your SD together about how she's doing and offer an ear if there's anything she needs to get off her chest. She's probably just hoping that things can get back to normal. She might be feeling confused and emotional about it all too.
We went through the same thing with my niece. It’s so hard and it hurts.
It’s taken a lot of hard work and faking it until we made it to get where we all are now.
We have to keep reminding ourselves she is a child. It’s always possible when we have children biological or otherwise that they can reject us at some point in there lives and so we can’t live in fear.
My mum and I had an extremely rocky relationship at 12-13 luckily I didn’t have any where to run too. In hindsight my mum was a great mum but at that age I thought she was a monster.
Going through something similar, in our case Mum is definitely behind it all, she even admits to it. When we do have step child he is his Mums puppet and argues with his Dad over adult things, things he shouldn't even know. Some parents are cruel. Don't leave because of this, concentrate on yours and your partners relationship with her and remind her she is loved even though things might not go perfectly for her every visit. Try not to offload onto your family, some people can't understand how complex this is and will judge your stepdaughter on what she is doing, without understanding why she is doing it.
She's 12.... you're holding a grudge against a 12 year old that has been probably told some 'untruths' as you out it.
Have you thought about seeing a professional. I feel you may need some help if you feel like breaking your relationship up with your hubby over a pre teen having a tantrum for whatever reason.
Sorry I have no answers for you sorry 😥 but I understand.
I am both bio mum & step mum blended family of 10 (6 his 4 mine)
I am getting the same from both, 2 Bio sons & 5 step kids 3 girls 1 boy & a grown step son. I jave been in my step kids life for nost of their lives (family friend) I've done all the bdays xmas easter school & holidays with & for my step kids only to be treated like an outsider. I am the parent at school events & sports my ex doesn't do the sport we sign the kids up for because it's not "his" thing yet my boys don't want anything to do with me unless their father & new step mum can't/wont do it. All the kids have other parents who do not like or don't get along with me or my partner so outside influence maybe the case.
Just hang in there one day the children will become adluts & the choice will be theirs. Good or bad the choice will be the their.
Xo