Am I over reacting? My youngest daughter is expecting her first child in January and I’ve just been told that I am not welcome at the hospital when she is in labour and that only the 4 grandparents are allowed to visit the hospital and NO ONE is allowed to tell ANYONE that baby has arrived until they announce on social media!! I would have told my 80 year old sister in UK who does not have access to social media.
My daughter and now husband met when they were 15 and have been together for 17 years, they are very close and I’ve always felt a special bond with them both, I told them that when the time came for her to go on the pill (my other 2 daughters started pill at 16) I was happy to arrange with our family doctor, I even went with them.
I was at the hospital when my other daughters had their children, I just needed to know everything went well.
This daughter and hubby have lived with us for 18 months when they built first house because he didn’t want to live with his parents. My daughter always came to me for advice about everything, she wanted me to be there with her and her hubby when she had 2 surgeries just for moral support. She has always talked to me about her life and ambitions her dreams about her wedding, wanting a baby etc.
I have learnt not to suggest or offer advice on pregnancy or what she might need for this new baby because whatever I suggest is not good enough.
I understand that she has her own ideas and expectations and she has done lots of research and they are particularly close and it is a very special time for them. Even my middle daughter who I am not very close to wanted me there! I only wanted to do what I did with other 2 daughters, pop in for a short time get washing, see if there was anything they needed, more undies, baby clothes, chocolate, special treats etc
At the moment I don’t even want to be involved with this baby at all which is so sad because even though I already have 5 granddaughters and 2 grandsons I am just so super happy for this daughter. I just feel she doesn’t want me involved and I am feeling really sad ☹️
Pregnant daughter
Pregnant daughter
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage, Pregnancy
23 Replies
Sorry Nanna but these are very reasonable requests. This is her baby, not yours; it's her prerogative to have it any way she sees fit
What happened to all the other replies?
There was about 20 last night and now there’s only 1?
This was posted twice for some reason (probably a tech issue).
I'd say the other post was deleted, OP didn't seem to be too interested in looking at things from her daughter's perspective.
Yup. Deleted the question that already had answers.
Your daughter has every right to ask you to refrain from sharing pictures, telling people and not having you there until they were ready for you to be there or to share the news. If you tell your 80 year old sister in the UK is she going to go an announce it to everyone? Or is she going to respect your daughters wishes?? You are not your child’s boss you are her mother and you have raised her to be strong and obviously independent be proud that she has told you what she wants. Be proud that she is asserting her wishes and yes you need to respect her boundaries. She’s her boss and this is a special moment between her and her husband. Let them control their sitution.
If you crack it when you don't like something and the only retort you have is that you'll just be a shit grandparent then and sulk in your own juices, you cause her stress and you will cause a rift. I wouldn't be surprised at all if she announced these rules directly for you as she already sees it coming that you won't respect her wishes.
I told my mum no sharing the news at all until I announce it on Facebook
I even told my partner I want to be there and apart of it when he does
No one had an issue with it at all.
My theory is you weren’t there when the baby was conceived, you don’t have to be there when the baby is born and that’s okay. It’s an intimate time and overwhelming. Nothing wrong with this.
I tried to set these boundaries with my own mother when my first was born
- nobody apart from me and ex at the hospital until after baby was born
-don’t announce that I’m in labour
- don’t announce that bubs is born until after I have done it
Simple things so I thought. She turned up at the hospital with both of my little sisters and one of their friends and barged into my room and I was butt naked on all 4s with a doctors hand up me trying to unwrap the caped from around my daughters neck. I screamed for her to get out. She was escorted out and told if she came back to my room again they would call the police. After my daughter was born she was allowed back into my room. Once everything has settled for the night I checked Facebook to find she had not only announced I was in labour hours before, but had uploaded 15 photos of my daughters and announced her name, weight, time of birth and my room number!
I have had 3 more babies since then, due for another in 4 months. With the other children she hasn’t been included at all. She was one of the last to know I was pregnant (so she couldn’t announce it for me like baby #1). She wasn’t told I was in labour or when the baby was born until after we had both settled and I was ready to announce it myself. She hasn’t been invited to the hospital she is made to wait until we are home and settled, and she isn’t allowed to bring her random friends to visit with her that we have never met. My partner and I are getting married soon. We will be eloping, she also won’t be told about this until after it’s done. She has limited contact with myself and my children. Is this really the relationship you want with your daughter and grandchildren?
I had a similar experience. Mine was told but decided to just bring everyone to the hospital just in case. They phoned through to me in labour asking if they can come in I said no so they sat right outside listening to everything. Then the midwife said better let them in as they've waited so long and I wasn't ready at all. Oh and they also posted the news and photos and tagged me, which, to the OP, that means it was announced to my friends when I wasn't even present in the conversation. Which is why we ask others not to tell now, news travels globally instantly these days.
They weren't told anything the next time until well after.
Looking at this post now I see she is similar to this poster in that she thought she was doing the right thing, just completely regardless of breaking my expressed wishes. And as everybody here has said, theyre quite normal and common wishes.
You are over reacting.
This is your daughter and partners child. They get to set the agenda. If your daughter needs anything from you she knows how to use her mobile phone. I’m sure you’ll get a phone call to say all went well.
It never occurred to my mother that she would be any where near the hospital when my sisters and I had babies, she understood that the birth of a grandchild is not about her and her role. It was about the mother, the father and the new born baby. Im sure if we’d asked for her, she would have come, but that is very different.
Your daughter having a baby isn't about you but that post was ALL about you. Step back, refocus and support your daughter in the way SHE needs, not how YOU think she needs.
It's not about you!!!! I had ex in-laws that did not give a crap about how I felt. I specifically told my ex that I did not want anyone in the delivery suite. He did not have the balls to stand up to his parents. They came into the delivery suite (after I gave birth) but couldn't even give me the respect of being able to have a shower and move into a room. Another I sat at 22 nude, with a sheet over and blood everywhere. May have contributed to why they are now ex
This is their experience. Let them take this journey how they feel most comfortable. I understand you're disappointed and what you thought might happen did not but you need to make peace with that not panning out because your sweet grandbaby will be here before you know it and life is too short to hold grudges over things you have no control over.
In all honesty after the messed up birth and the shit that followed with my first (currently only) when I go for 2nd I want my best friend there. That’s it. Not even my partner. Of course this won’t happen and my mum, sister partner and best friend will all be there but I’d love to have the power to day no.
Yes 100% you are overreacting!
It is her baby not yours, grandparents seem to feel some entitlement with grandchildren like its their right to tell people and be in on every detail... Your 80yr old sister will find out when there is a baby born, it's not like she'll never be told. I had my mum in the room for our first but for our second it was just my partner and myself and we made sure no one was allowed to come until our son had met his little sister first! Waiting at home or at the hospital makes no difference.
Saying you don't want anything to do with the baby because of this is just childish, having a soon because you don't get tour own way! There is still an amazing little life on the way for you to love and protect and spoil be happy about that!!
Kinda harsh saying you don’t want to be involved with the baby who is the innocent party in all of this. I lost my grandparents when I was very young and never really had any. So be grateful you are still around and hopefully healthy to spend this time after she or he is born with them. Pregnancy can make you very protective and put up guards she is probably just wanting time as a family of three before welcoming him or her to the world and everyone else. As when you do there’s no going back!
No. No. No. Leave them alone. Don’t pressure her or ask her again about it. If she wants you when it happens, she will ask you and then you can go, and that includes after the baby is born. I had constant arguments with
My mother during my first pregnancy about this, and I was scared she was going to turn up at the birth my whole pregnancy. Even after my son was born via emergency caesarian with me being knocked out, it was all about her. She got to have the first photos ever with my son. And any photos with him on that day are with her. I understand you are excited, but no. My mother told some of her friends I was pregnant before I had told my employer, and they posted on Facebook. This is her pregnancy, please rescue you and supports her in the way she wants you to.
No. No. No. Leave them alone. Don’t pressure her or ask her again about it. If she wants you when it happens, she will ask you and then you can go, and that includes after the baby is born. I had constant arguments with
My mother during my first pregnancy about this, and I was scared she was going to turn up at the birth my whole pregnancy. Even after my son was born via emergency caesarian with me being knocked out, it was all about her. She got to have the first photos ever with my son. And any photos with him on that day are with her. I understand you are excited, but no. My mother told some of her friends I was pregnant before I had told my employer, and they posted on Facebook. This is her pregnancy, please rescue you and supports her in the way she wants you to.
I made this request, and had both MIL and mother not listen and come into my birth, and it was awkward, caused resentment, and hubby and I can never get that time back. We even had a massive fight with MIL about it, as she shared intimate details with people. You are being selfish and self indulged, not something your daughter needs around her during this time. Stop making her pregnancy and birth about you, has a you don't truly value your relationship with your daughter.
I'm going through the same with my daughter. I have known for years she was poisoned against me by one of the inlaws.
She lied to me about when she was being induced saying that she didn't want anyone to visit for 24 hrs. That's all ok till I see a fb post by this particular inlaw thanking my daughter for letting her be there to welcome her son into the world.
Im just broken at this and many other things they do to rub things in my face. 5 months later I doubt myself, I'm afraid to say anything just in case she gets mad at me. When I see posts that hurt me I tend to shut down for a time because I'm afraid I'll say something.
I don't think I can forgive her. I love my little Grandson to bits but the way my daughter looks at me with distaste I wonder if it's worth it. He will be bought up to feel that way about me to.
Being a grandparent is one of the worst things that has ever happened to me. I've never experienced such self doubt and loathing as I currently am. I understand how this poster feels. 😭 X
I'm not sure if I hate myself more for shutting down on everyone or because I'm too gutless to stand up for myself.
It's her choice; her body, her baby.
If she wants you there, she'll let you know
It's her choice and her body and her baby.
She'll let you know if she wants you there