Google was no help, so I am turning to you mummas! I am having the WORST time with my 18 month old
Back story, I had my first and was on my own from when those 2 lines came up. Which meant, if I was cutting raw chicken bub had to wait a minute. When he was 18 months old he would just sit in kitchen banging pots or hold onto me - NO SCREAMING. He also slept from pretty early on. I am a deep sleeper and would come to, get a bottle and resettle. Didn't go for even a year though.
2nd DS. He is my second, my partner's first and will probably my in laws only grandchild from day dot. Knowing this, I let them hold him that little bit longer while he slept as a newborn, etc.
Fast forward, DH asks them to have him at least once a week. They had both of them on the weekend so we could finish 5 assignments (he didn't tell me until after he booked, but appreciated).
We actually fought pretty bad today because I am sick of him regularly off loading the kids to his parents. I appreciate once in a while, but they are retired. Not up to several times a fortnight. We made them, we raise them. I don't want to burden them even if he asked/told me before booking would be slightly more acceptable. He NEVER tells me until it's "oh, mum is coming today to get him" or I would be at work and "He is going to mum and dad's, but they'll bring him back tomorrow arvo".
Anyway, his parents NEVER put him down. My husband NEVER PUTS HIM DOWN. He just points and grunts and they get what he wants or offers him toys/food. He is 18 months with barely 'mumma' or 'dadda' under wraps. (I work in disability, thought ASD? Nope, just not doing enough on our part).
He screams, my husband picks him up. He makes a noise and my husband is butter. He is 18 months and not sleeping through the night. I'm a firm believer in a few minutes to resettle, then a few more and work up over several nights/weeks.
He doesn't have a dummy (never has), no comforters. I swear people are his comforters! Childcare has said he is very clingy as well and agree with this, so I don't feel too crazy at this point
We are at the point it is driving us bonkers. I've had really bad mental health since this pregnancy, finally on top of it for MONTHS now. Now I feel a normal person bonkers, not my anxiety and depression.
We are looking to change jobs where hubby won't be home in the evening routine and I can't handle. My, now 5 year old, is easy, independent, good company to chat to. But this one screams from Dad walking out to Dad walking in. Then he is up in Dad's arms. I can't even pat him to sleep, has to be dad holding him for 30 mins. I'm not a total grouch, I promise, but I need to put the little one down to cook dinner or feed dogs or wee without him screaming bloody murder.
Help!! Whenever I bring up new routine, less grandparents (not to deprive them, but routine and saving them so it's actually enjoyable and not a burden) DH either fight or he agrees and then nothing changes.
3 Replies
I understand that their behaviour is frustrating but it can also be pretty normal 18 month old behaviour.
Not sleeping thru the night is also pretty normal at 18 months.
Is dad also not coping? Is that why he palms the kids off so much?
In order to move forward unfortunately you all have to be on the same team. They may also take offence and feel attacked when you mention it. So tread lightly/tactfully. So hard dealing with in laws esp when they will feel like they are well intentioned.
This is really standard behaviour and honestly, the way it comes across is that you just want an independent child rather than one you need to nurture and shape. Giving them those extra cuddles and love is 100% okay, it's okay to pick them up when they want it or to hold them that extra bit longer. They are only young once and it isn't going to ruin them long term.
Honestly, I would seek some counselling to be in a better headspace and understand all of this. It's so fortunate you have family support and I think it's healthy to "offload" them at times.. but if it's too frequent then that's also fair enough that you find it not okay.
Did you have any trouble bonding with your second? I know that post natal anxiety and/or depression can create this. I had it and didn't bond properly with my first. He is also a difficult kid. Someone gave me advice that worked for her which was to have a bath with my boy, and do this regularly. Sounds weird, but it worked for me. I felt that I was bonding and, even if he was still difficult, I handled it better.