My 4 year old has sensory processing disorder and doesn’t regulate. He lashes out, screams and pushes when he gets too excited, frustrated or angry. His peers are happy to play with him most days but are understandably wary sometimes. He has been excluded by other parents - he never gets invites to parties, or play dates, parents are passive aggressive when they see us or the do things like cross the street to avoid us. I get it. My kids not where he needs to be. He has regular OT and the behaviour always psych says his behaviour is within the realm of typical. We are doing everything we can to support him but people judge us. It’s horrible. How do other parents deal with being ostracised? It feels so horrible. We have his behaviour to deal with and all the judgement, hostility and unfriendliness as well. I don’t know how to handle this.
19 Replies
The tricky thing here is it’s not nice watching your child bear the brunt of another’s frustration/anger etc.
We teach our children to avoid people who don’t treat them well. It’s not about about his diagnosis per say. But the way he treats others and I understand that is a process and a journey that your working on.
I understand how that would come across as you feeling judged.
But I’m not prepared to offer my son up as a punching bag either.
As a parent whose been on both sides of this my biggest piece of advice is to change the way WE speak about THAT child.
When my kids come home (as they often do in Kindy) and tell me “oh billy was so naughty to today, he got in trouble and hit people, broke this, kicked that” I don’t say “oh he’s a bad kid stay away from him”
What I do say is
“Oh that’s no good, poor Billy he must be having a really hard day - what else happened?, who are his friends? could you invite him to play with you?” I teach them empathy. To think more about the situation than take it for face value.
Your child will never be a punching bag if they have boundaries and are taught to speak up
I always encourage my child to be kind to everyone! However I also reinforce that if someone is unkind or violent towards him that he calmly ask them to stop or remove himself. Empathy has limits when your child is being physically hit punched kicked etc... I do however encourage 2nd,5th etc chances and take them as you find them on any given day.
Further I discourage him from talking about others. I encourage to focus on himself and his behaviour! Not gossiping about whether Tom dick or Harry was naughty today!
It’s not gossip it’s just kids telling you about their day. “Alice brought her doll, James wet his pants, Sam had a bread roll at lunch” I hear it all LOL
But it is your son judging others behaviour. When he comes home and tells you as you put it THAT kid was naughty today..
Yes because he’s 5 and is in kindy and he’s on the spectrum so he says it as he sees it. What I’m saying is it’s our job as parents to reframe that for our kids so as they grow up they look a people a little more deeply.
Kids get whats happening in the class, and they see just how 'naughty' the child is. They debrief to their parents after school, that's totally natural. I also flip that script and say Poor Jilly, sounds like she had a really hard day today. I bet she didn't like that either. Some kids find it really hard to be at school, or to xyz Etc etc.
Thank you! Kindness is very much appreciated and valued. This is how we talk too - I have an older child and I love that he thinks about what a struggling child is going through.
Wow “we teach our children to avoid people who don’t treat them well”. How about we teach our children to recognise when another children is struggling and love them anyway. We aren’t talking about deliberately hurtful people here. This is about a little boy with a disorder.
Righto. So because he has a disorder my child should be ok with the physical assaults dished out! Are you kidding? That’s like encouraging women to stay with abusive partners. Yes I encourage my child to move away from someone who is hitting kicking spitting etc I do however encourage him to try playing with them the next day and treat it as a new day.
Are you fucking serious? You want to compare DV to a 4 year old having trouble regulating? Showing your ignorance. Fuck me im out. You are exactly the sort of parent the poster is referring to.
I must be ignorant because I don’t see why a child should have to accept being physically assaulted by anyone! Period. That is not ok.
Absolutely right. They don't have to be ok with that. They should be taught to protect themselves and as the above poster said, to start every day fresh.
It does get tricky in classrooms when the majority become tired of being hurt or disturbed and it can flip into a group mentality against the kid, and that would need to be dealt with. Encouraging acceptance and kindness daily is really important. And it is a really hard line to expect little kids to navigate.
At the end of the day the goal is to teach this child that they can't hurt or push people at all. They can't scream at children. They need to be taught coping skills and to use them independently.
This will take time, and they will get there.
Meanwhile, the other children need to be taught that everybody has struggles and they are all learning as they grow up but its never ok for someone to hurt you or scream at you.
Absolutely and that is our focus - he needs to manage his emotions better. The kid stuff is hard - he pushes when overwhelmed, other kids don’t give him space even when he tells them he needs it - they are 4, personal space isn’t high on their priorities so they don’t get it - and the cycle continues. The kids are kinder than the parents. I completely get it, no one wants their child hurt. But do adults have to be nasty to him or us? The hardest thing about being a mum is I wasn’t prepared for the nastiness.
I’m not asking anyone to offer up their child as a punching bag.
But it would be nice if people could show compassion, and not be nasty to a child or the parents of a child who clearly is struggling. There is a difference between telling your child not to play with someone and being hostile to the child and parents.
I’m not bothered when a child doesn’t play with him but I am bothered when adults are passive aggressive, tell him he is horrible or invite 60 kids to a party and the only child from the centre is him.
I get it. My sons friendship circle was very small. His siblings and the neighbors kids. I just concentrated on helping him build those relationships, where I knew the parents and they understood. I’d accompany to parties and be completely present and avoid difficult situations (leave if it was getting too full on).
Are you in a playgroup or sporting group with other kids with similar issues? I found this really helpful
Thank you. We do the same. We are never far away, we see the warning signs and we remove him. He is given consistent messages - feelings are ok but we don’t hit or push anyone ever. I’m told it will get better in time but it feels overwhelming especially when adults say nasty things to him or talk about him negatively in front of him. Do you know where I find a playgroup like that? I’d love to hang with some mums who get it.
Our boy is Dyslexic with ASD traits.
We do not get invitations to parties, I do not think it is about him personally, its more I do not hang with his year level mums.
Our girl has something every few weeks, buttt I get on with her mum's really well.
They are in year 3 and 4.
My hubby is ADHD...trust me, he is enough to deal with alone.
Our boy had a friend who is a tricky character, lovely boy, but gets excited and hurts others. He doesn't mean too...our boy doesn't like the rough play, he avoids him now because years of being pushed over and run into has got old for him.
Plus dealing with a very full on dad, our boy has no more room in himself for the tactile boy.
You might feel judged, but everyone is just trying to get through their day.
Lots of factors to why people are treating people the way they do.