My brother has just been released from prison after five years - my parents and other brother hid this from me until they knew I was coming to watch a show he was also attending. My sister in law, whom I have a strained relationship with has arranged for him to stay with her parents. He has been in and out of prison for 15 years for meth related offences including theft and violence, but has been a drug addict for over 20 years. He has made no efforts to have contact with me for nine years and we have never had a good sibling relationship. My husband and I have decided that we don’t want contact with him to protect our 6 year old daughter. In the past before I was married my home was burgled by my brothers associates and my parents were threatened by gang members for drug debts. My family are convinced that he has changed, can’t believe I won’t see him and claim that he will now be present at all family gatherings. I now have to sit alone at church and feel I will need to avoid small family gatherings. He is having contact with my young nieces, they told my daughter this even though my brother denied this saying they met only twice. I’m so scared that I’m the only one who can see his risk and it’s bringing up so many bad memories. Professionals rated his risk of re-offending as over 70%. Does anyone have advice on how to set boundaries so I can still have some safe contact with other family or get family to understand my choice?
10 Replies
You can’t expect your family to cut someone out of there lives. Even murderers have support people. Having no support network is a guarantee of reoffending.
That doesn’t mean you owe your brother anything, that doesn’t mean you need to have anything to do with him. You set the boundaries that make you sleep at night.
But you also have to respect the right of your family to hope that your brother does better.
So my advice would be, to maintain your boundaries for now. If he really does prove over time that he is doing better maybe it will be time to lower your boundaries. That might mean sitting with your family at church (a fairly safe space). As he continues to prove himself, perhaps you could start to see your brother in other safe spaces.
If he doesn’t prove himself you just have to hope that your parents are happy to catch up with you privately.
If he hasn’t changed over the last 15 years I doubt very much he will change now. I know there is no way in hell I would be letting my child around a convicted criminal with drug and gang associates, family or not. Blood doesn’t mean you owe him anything. From why you have written it seems you know very well that he is a danger to any body he is around. If your family can’t see that then thy is on them, I’m sure they will figure it out when the same old threats and break in happen. Junkies don’t change
Can you just go along anyway but choose to not have anything personally to do with him? I get that what he's done is pretty crappy but he is your parents child and they are not going to leave him out just to please you. As long he's not violent you should be able to put your issues aside for a few hours!
The problem is though that I don’t want my daughter to have a relationship with someone I judge to be so unsafe and she would find it confusing seeing her cousins interact with him at family occasions. It would end up causing tension and conflict and spoiling the event.
I also don’t want them to leave him out I just don’t want anyone to get hurt as when he is on drugs he steals anything he can get his hands on
I'd absolutely have nothing to do with someone like this family or not. My own adult son is just like your brother , and is not just a junkie but a violent one so I had to write him off years ago to protect myself and his younger brother from him. Follow your gut, especially since most ice addicts carry violent tendencies and severe anger issues during comedowns.
Suggest he get booked in to a forensic psychiatrist. Most drug addicts are self medicating to manage an undiagnosed condition if you look at the stats. In fact, stimulant addicts (entrenched addiction) have an incredibly high comorbidity with unmanaged adhd. Once treated, lives get turned around. Similar studies for pyroles disorder which is comorbid with adhd quite frequently.
Other than that, you need to accept that you can't decide whether your family love and support him. You can have boundaries for yourself and your children though.
He was diagnosed with ADHD in the past and given medication, which he then sold, however I don’t want to be involved in any aspect of his life as last time he was only out 12 months before re-offending. I do agree I can’t make the choice for them but it’s still terrifying waiting for what might happen to family.
Let his parents support him and observe from a safe distance, you’re absolutely doing the right thing.
You are doing the right thing. Just tell the straight that you won’t be attending any future family events if he is there but they are welcome to visit your family at your home or any time he isn’t around.
You’re doing the right thing.
Know it’s hard to not attend family event because of him and it may feel like your family are choosing him over you.
They Probably think they have many years to catch up on and if they don’t give him a chance no one will and he will end back where he was.
I would just let time do it’s thing, stay away. Ask family to come over to yours for a lunch/dinner every so often but let them know you don’t want him spoken about around your daughter.
I have a brother similar just never been to jail, I’m lucky we live 2000km away but when we go home I make sure my children stay away from him.