Why are daughters who avoid contact with their mother always the bad guy? I was molested as a child by one of my mums boyfriends and when I told her she first tried to convince me he was just trying to be a good dad and then tried to convince me that I had mental problems (she threatened to put me into a mental institution if I didn’t keep “my lies” to myself). She has told me multiple times that she never wanted a daughter and that I ruined her life by being born, if I didn’t do what she wanted when I was a teenager she would punch me and she has always criticised everything I do, she even tells me my in-laws hate me and barely tolerate me because of my kids .Now that she’s getting older she has decided I am required to take card of her in old age because I’m her daughter,when I tried to break contact with her she did everything she could to turn people against me, she called family members and my in-laws saying that I am a pathological liar, a bad mother and “look what she’s doing to me ,she will cut you out of her and the kids lives too if you don’t go along with whatever she wants “ she even called my husband and told him similar including that he deserves better than me and despite knowing why I don’t want contact with her and the type of person she is my husband, family members and in-laws all tell me I’m in the wrong and no matter what she has done she is still my mother so it’s wrong to try and cut her out of my life. I don’t know what to do anymore, everyone gets angry at me if I try to keep her away but my mental health can’t take much more of seeing her.
Is it ok to avoid family for the sake of your mental health
Is it ok to avoid family for the sake of your mental health
Posted in:
Life Lessons, Self Care, Behaviour
12 Replies
Holly crap, do we actually have the same mother. I could have written this word for word. The only difference is that my partner 100% supports me on taking a massive step back from my mother. I haven’t cut her out completely but I do live at the other end of the country so that makes it’s a little easier to avoid her crap. You are not a bad person, nobody can tell you otherwise if they haven’t lived with a parent like this. It’s soul crushing and exhausting. You need to do what is best for you, but expect her to kick up a massive stink. Your mental health is more important than anything else, please don’t ever forget that
I desperately wish I could live as far away from her as possible but my husband won’t move away from his family, it seems like no matter what I do I can’t have any peace if I see her she’s horrid to the point where she will tell me if she ran into her ex and if I don’t she goes on a campaign to get everyone angry at me, it’s even worse now a family member gave her my 13yo email address and she contacts my daughter telling her that I am horrible to her
I wrote the other comment on standing firm. Get your daughter to block the email she uses.
Record audio on your phone whenever you are with your mother. If challenged by anyone play it to prove you're not lying. Ask if they want to be responsible for you putting up with that every day. My H had to do this in a work situation. They back-peddalled really fast.
Explain, show evidence, dates, if you have it, stand firm & make your choice, because you'll be the one living the life. Get professional support because people will have a go at you, but I've learned it's easy for people to spout opinions and pressure when they aren't the ones doing the work. You can't live according to other people's opinions & if they believe her lies they don't respect you so you're losing nothing. In fact, some family are probably afraid they'll land the job if you don't do it.
I've already told DH if he even thinks of moving his father in here if mil goes first I'll move out with the kids. He understands as in laws have made my life hell but he's easily guilted. There'd be a big fight because SIL is too selfish & the family will try to guilt us as 'that's what you do' but I won't budge. Except to move out. My mental health wouldn't survive.
Stand firm. You protect you. If people are open to listening to your facts they will, it reside they aren’t worth your mental health.
To answer your question.....
Yes, it’s a complete sentence, yes!
No explanations required.
Everyone says no is a complete sentence, well in this case, so is yes.
Those people are poison, if others want to drink the kool aide, and there will always be people who will, doesn’t mean you have to.
Stay strong, no one infiltrates those boundaries, stay no contact with this woman.
This means when anyone mentions her to you, you tell them you don’t want her name mentioned to you every again.
If they can’t respect that request, then they were never your people.
Cut her out - my husband has done this with his mum for similar reasons. No one questions him. Record her or take screen shots of the messages she has been saying to you. Cut her out and then if any other family members have a problem with that show them what’s been said or written and say you are not putting up with it any more!!! Block her number and if renting move house and don’t tell her where to. It is abuse and you need to stand up and shut her out.
Yes! And it I were dealing with a mother like this I would have cut her out as soon as I could.
She is not your responsibility. You definitely do not need to take care of her. Mother or not she is toxic to you and your mental health and I would not be allowing her near any grandchildren.
If everyone else thinks she is great then cut them out too and let her be their burdend. They can care for her.
Its never wrong to cut toxic people out of your life. How much you choose to tell others or justify why you are doing so is entirely up to you. Other family members preferring to believe the lies that the other person is spreading is an awful situation, but ultimately is beyond your control. All you can do is surround yourself with those who are supportive. Stand your ground, and can I suggest seeing a counsellor or psychologist who deals with trauma? This is a heavy burden to be dealing with alone, especially if those closest to you who should be supportive are buying into her manipulations.
I severed contact with my mother for a prolonged period of time due to her abusive and manipulative behaviour. We have since reconciled, but I have no regrets for doing so, and if anything it made her stop and take a hard look at what she had been doing to our family.
Cut her from your life. If you lose other people as a result, accept it and move on. The woman allowed you to be abused and then threatened you to keep it quiet when she was supposed to be protecting you. Walk away. If you are questioned tell people you have made your decision, and you are comfortable with it. End of discussion.
You can cut her out completely if that’s what you need. I keep reasonably distanced from my mother I only see her when necessary & with my siblings there as a buffer. Do not feel guilty. She is 100% in the wrong!
It sounds like your mum has a personality disorder and part of that is a skewed perspective of you as her daughter and life in general. While ever it is like this there is nothing you can say or do to change her behaviour. As a consequence of her behaviour, you have a right to distance yourself. If others bring up the topic with you and what she has said to them, have a set response “Thanks for your concern, I would like to keep this issue between Mum and me.” Then explain to your husband to be healthy for him and your children you need time out from your mum until further notice. You can even say you don’t want to talk about it with him - if you wish. Make a mental boundary. Pretend you have a glass barrier that deflects her comments and demands back to her. Don’t let it soak in. Ignore any correspondence you have from her via others or digitally. If she comes to your house, go out. She can try and control you all she wants but she can’t ultimately run your life. Also do not speak ill of her to others ( it will put you into a negative mindset). Others will see how nasty she is towards you and how you don’t speak bad of her. Remember respect can not be demanded, only earned. And you must go and get some professional counselling for your past and present issues with her. This will help you move through it and move on With a healthy mindset. I speak from experience from the other side of a similar situation.