My 16 year old son keeps on manipulating me or even lying to me. We have cought him out so many times that even the psychiatrist confirmed it. I can't carry on like this anymore. I do not trust him at all. I have 2 other boys and no problem like this which means it ends up me treating them different (and I have always believed kids should all be treated the same)
What can I do
What can I do
Posted in:
Mental Health, Anxiety & Depression, Parenthood Guilt, Behaviour, Teenagers, Tips and Advice
8 Replies
I'd hope you are treating them all the same by teaching them that actions have consequences and consequences will be enforced. Otherwise you're just sending another kid out into the world that doesn't think the rules apply to them.
Stick with it.
That is the point because all rules apply to all kids and him breaking them he gets treated differently because of his actions. I think you didn't understand what i was saying. So an example would be the other 2 have cellphones and he doesn't.
Which was exactly my point so I understood just fine. If he wants to be treated the same and have the same things he'll learn to behave in a manner to make it happen. Otherwise you're just rewarding bad behaviour.
What is he lying about? Sometimes that explains what the problem is. My stepsons lie about food all the time because when they were younger their mother controlled when they ate, they were always sneaking food behind her back and the habit has stayed with them. Overly controlling parents produce sneaky kids that lie because they want to avoid getting in trouble.
There are so many examples it started in grade 3 - 4 and he is now gr11. Just before new year he was telling me he want's to go to a party at a girls house for old years eve. The problem came in when the rest of the family realised he had mentioned another name previously so he was lying. It ended to be at a girls place and this girls parents i despise due to previous incident when he ran away from home amd I contacted her and asked her to please give me a call or message when she gets home to sort out my son. I am still waiting and about a year now. I didn't know where they live. To me that is not what a parent does and in fact borderlines kidnapping. So getting back to the story I refused for him to go after which I was told I am to strict and holding them back to much. I pointed out a few things stating my point it is in fact the opposite but please go jot down a list of all these accusations, he came back with nothing. But he was trying to manipulate me. Yesterday 5 days after last lying episode I went thru his phone (as it isnin my house I pay for the phones they are mine and i habe access to them). He was chatting up some guys on instagram. I have warned him aboit this before yet he still continued. Same reason the kids are not allowed fb as they share to much info giving access to online predators etc. I already knew who some of these people were as i read the messages but called my son in anyway asking him who these people were. He had an excuse on all of them where he knew them from. I flipped as lies are my biggest trigger point. I was so close in just smashing his phone as I had to listen to his lies.
What are you prepared to concede to? Is it worth continuing to.despise the other family when they may otherwise be a safer choice than unknown online predators/ friends? Does he have a personality disorder or social problem that contributes to his needing to lie. Is he good at ANYTHING so he can be commended or trusted in that one thing? If he is just seen as the lying kid? If so thats a hard thing to bear. If he is otherwise a good kid who has a problem.with lying well then he needs some kind of help with getting perspective from.a counsellor. As you have pointed out he is at risk so you need to do something differently to help him make a better choices for his own safety and self respect. As he seems to have lost respect from his family. Hard work to do yet. At least you know...
Honestly it sounds like you have little control over him. Your story is messy. Sounds like he lies so he can go where he wants and talk to who he wants not to be decieving. He's doing it do defend himself. Considering your reactions to these situations I can understand why he reacts back. How long was he gone and how old was he? Why did he run away? I think you need to turn everything upside down and figure out how you can be supportive while still protecting him so he doesn't need to lie. I used to talk to randoms when I was 16. I met alot of friends that way. I was lonely but I wasn't stupid and I made sure I was safe. Does he have any friends?
I think the problem here is your parenting style.
You don’t seem to be treating him like a young adult or giving him any freedom to make choices etc.
The example you gave of going through his phone because it is YOURS screams control freak to me.
It’s amazing how different children act when they are treated as equals, given choices and treated with respect.