I need some advise please ?
Me and my family of six go to my parents house a few times a year my kids love it so much .
My nephew who lives in the same suburb as my parents has autism and there are always fights or words said from him that is making it very uncomfortable to say the least .
He is 13 and seems out of control.
Here are some of the things that he’s done or said over the years ,
. He’s threatened to smash a cricket bat over my 3 year olds head
. He has said sexual things to my 14 year old daughter like he’s had a wet dream about her or that she dresses sluty or sexy
. He’s smacked my son so hard on the bum that he cried
. They were playing in the backyard and he references while my younger kids are around to stick it up my bum I love it
. When out at the beach he’s said to the life guard what are you looking at her for (my oldest daughter ) she hates you amongst other stuff
. He had some other kids around whilst at the pool and he said stop feeling my cousin up
. He screamed in my husbands ear
. He spits right near my kids to get a reaction
. He swears constantly
. He was going to jump in the river and my daughter said no that’s silly and dangerous don’t do that and he called her a Finn dirty rat to shut the f up and to go and f your boyfriend ( she doesn’t have one )
. We have lost a child at full term and he comments that no one cares and what he’s got is worse
. He accuses my kids of not liking their other cousins and no one wants our family around
. He tells my sister to F off all the time and he is constantly hurting us brother
. I could go on and on
So the problem is my sister blames my oldest daughter because she can’t let all these things go when they are said she sticks up for herself or comments back that it’s not nice or it’s wrong .
Then that starts the fighting back and forth .
My nephew lies and blames that he has autism.
My Dad says me and my kids just have to suck it up ignore it .
I don’t know what it’s like to have a child with autism.
But my nephew seems to have no boundaries no consequences no rules never has from a young age .
I don’t want my children around that behaviour but then they miss out on visits with their grandparents. And I don’t want to sound insensitive either .
Any advice ?
.
16 Replies
He sounds to be fairly high functioning but autism or not, making threats of violence, calling your daughter a slut and directing other foul language or sexual innuendos at people is absolutely unacceptable and it should not be tolerated!
You can discipline a child with autism, you can instill boundaries for children with autism. You can teach children with autism right from wrong! He's being let down by every adult in his life right now, they're setting him up for failure by making excuses for his behaviour! I mean, at 13 it's easy to let this stuff go and blame it on his autism but he'll be an adult soon and his autism won't be taken into account if he sexually harrasses a stranger, work/school mate or someone else. It won't be taken into account if he threatens another adult with a cricket bat. It won't be taken into account when he says the wrong thing to the wrong person...
Your daughter does not have to put up with any of this, none of your children do. If no one else will do anything about it, you need to step in and advocate for your kids:
Eg.
"John, please do not say sexual things like that to Sarah. It is inappropriate and makes her uncomfortable".
"John, please do not threaten Mr 3 with a cricket bat. It's mean and you are scaring him".
"John, you are making me feel upset when you speak about my baby that way. Please stop".
He's capable of understanding that and if standing up for your kids gets you a negative reaction, I would 100% stop visits until/if things start improving.
As a mum of children in the spectrum I would be mortified, ASD or not. It’s is not on and it is not going to be productive adult life for him if he is allowed to continue to act in this way. His parents need to step in and deal with it. ASD is not an excuse for inappropriate, offensive or violent behaviour.
My advice to you would be - have your parents come to your house if you cannot go there without him being there.
I don’t give a shit what you child has or if they are family. I would not have my daughter or any member of my family spoken to like that by anybody let alone a child. I would suggest distancing your family from him
It's not ok but explain to your daughter that he is rigid/inflexible so arguing will go on forever. So to say it once and then tell an adult.
Yes! This, please explain to your daughter that it is okay to be spoke to in an inappropriate sexual and derogatory manner because he is inflexible
Your being sarcastic I hope ?
Yes I am, just trying point out how fucking stupid the first comment was! I’m pretty sure the man that held that ladies head under the water at the lake and raped her was autistic, I’m sure trying to explain to her and her family that it’s okay because he is inflexible would go down really well! Sometimes you can’t fix stupid
Not every adult Male with ASD will go on to rape and murder women.
Reading into the corners court and findings of that case, he developed an unhealthy addiction to rape, a certain sub culture, violence and due to his obsessive/impulsive and inflexibility, it did escalate to a sexual homicide. There was a lot more information about the case and I think labeling ASD as a credible risk is incorrect here.
There's alot of immaturity on par with early highschool drama and bullying here on top of the sexual aspect of his behaviour. All of which shows social immaturity and inexperience. That comes from a lack of awareness on his part and a lack of social education from his carers.
He needs to re engage with Early Intervention programs and his family needs to put in a plan to redirect the behavior.
A little comprehension wouldn't have hurt here.
I don't think this commenter was suggesting his behaviour is okay because he's inflexible, more so that arguing with him isn't the best approach because he's inflexible. Giving this young girl the tools to express herself well and how to seek help to deal with his behaviour isn't stupid advice...
This is good advice actually and not at all condoning the behaviour or encouraging acceptance of it.
I don't know much about autism, my nephew has it but he is the polar opposite of this behaviour! He hates confrontation and it's hard to get a word out of him. I get all kids on the spectrum are different but I wonder if he's been misdiagnosed?
Regardless, they shouldn't be using autism or anything else as an excuse for this behaviour! It's disgusting. When he's an adult he is going to have to find a job and live his life just like everyone else and he is going to find life very hard talking to people like this and expecting to be exempt from the natural consequences like relationships ending, getting fired, getting kicked out of venues and having no friends.
Everyone else might like making excuses for him but you don't have to. I would be refusing to go if he's going to be there or at the very least go and the first time he acts up and it's ignored I would be leaving.
I have a child with Autism and I would be appalled if my kid was acting that way. Oh my god he’s be getting so much therapy and I would be making sure that I was with him at all times if he behaved like that so I could correct his behaviour even if it was at my parents place. Go and stay in a caravan park if it upsets you that much. Stay where he’s not going to be a constant and pay for your accomodation. Especially if your dad is saying you just have to suck it up. Becasue obviously he’s ok with him acting like that. Is there any chance he’s been abused? Some of the things he says are worrying. But His behaviour is foul and Autism is not an excuse to say those things. I know someone will jump down my throat for that but my brother behaved in exactly this way and I still to this day cannot stand him when he does it. Autism or not my mum never pulled him up and he turned into a awful kind of adult.
Someone up above has given some good examples on how to speak to him when this behaviour occurs but this is what every adult around him should be doing not just you.
My son has Autism and so do I. He is of that age too. One of the biggest issues is he thinks it's normal and socially acceptable because everyone is doing it at school, on social media and in gaming. So he wants to fit in.
But he takes it way too far. He doesn't think and when he is challenged, because of his age, he is extremely argumentative.
What I have said every time I hear language is make extreme eye contact and say "if I hear you say x again, you will have y taken away from you."
I also have told the school that if he swears, send him to the office immediately and tell him why.
I have also enlisted the help of a pediatric psychologist who specializes in Autism and Teenagers.
She has talked about boundaries and social awareness. They recognized that a lot of his behaviour stems from outside influence and lack of intervention from supervisors at school and at various times.
He should be supervised and corrected immediately and concisely.
I have told my son what he does and says sometimes are sexually inappropriate and can cause real life consequences such as the police getting involved, you not being allowed to see particular people, loosing friends, being told you're a bully.
He should be told that he is age that age now that saying certain things can get you charged with sexual abuse, harassment and lead you to go to jail or not get certain jobs. Even if it's a joke, he should keep his hands to himself, he should be mindful of what he says. I have said that he might have Autism BUT Autism doesn't mean that consequences do not happen.
You should tell his parents that the kids will be supervised from now on and that if the sexual innuendo does not stop, you will no longer allow the children to mix until his behaviour is modified.
It's all about education and he needs more than your neurotypical children. He doesn't get it.
ASD presents in so many different ways.
Wow what a worry.? Are you sure this boy hasn’t been abused or something.? It all sounds very odd. I would not put up with it. I wouldn’t allow my kids around him and your sister will find most people won’t. If she doesn’t do anything about it then she will be very lonely. He needs help and boundaries. I don’t think autism is a good enough excuse. It’s disgusting! don’t have your kids around them. Cut contact face to face and just communicate via phone or msg. See her when he is at school but other than that, I’d stay away!
You are your children's parent and you need to do what is best for them. If you can't see your parents without him being there then you may need to make a tough call. Autism or not your children don't have to put up with threats, insults and sexual comments. It's also not appropriate for your little ones to be hearing that either. The ball is in your court Mumma, don't ever feel bad for looking out for your kids..