Its been 2 years since going 50/50 week on, week off. At first i struggled and then i was ok, i missed them, but i was ok. I did things for myself, saw friends, dated etc.
Now i don't want to do any of that. I miss my kids every second. I go over my week with them and pick apart everything i could've done better, been kinder, been less angry, let them have that extra half hour at bed time, listened to thier stories a little bit longer. I cant socialise with friends or date because Im so sad that i cant be with my kids when im not with them.
On my weeks with them im 100 percent mentally healthy, i keep on top of the house work, i kill it at work, i kill it at uni, i go and see friends with the kids, keep on top of the washing, my self hygiene, the routine. Im happy as eff when i have them.
When theyre picked up i feel overwhelmingly sad. And guilty. I dont shower, i call in sick because i cant get out of bed, i eat alot, i don't get full, i just keep eating. If i go out with friends i count down the minutes at what can be socially acceptable to go to bed. Im really struggling and as more time goes by and the more i realise that this is forever, i miss out on 50 percent of their lives, forever, the more i struggle.
Anti depressants dont help, healthy diet and exercise dont take away the feeling in my chest. What do i do.
7 Replies
This isn't about your kids, it's about you and your mental health. Is there an issue at their dad's? Safety/wellbeing? If not, then I don't think the circumstances will change. Also, this is good prep when they are teenagers and will want to get away from you as far as possible. You can't use the kids as a crutch for your own mental health. Speak with your GP to start off with and get a mental health plan. Speak to a psychologist to work out strategies on the "off" week.
How long did you try antidepressants for? It could be depression. The happiness you feel when you have the kids could be more of euphoric, like a fake happiness that keeps you in a good state of mind while they are there then bang, the euphoria goes away so you are left to feel the way you normally do. Could explain if you've been snappy at them too. If it really is not depression then you need to get professional help to get through this, relying on your kids for happiness is not healthy and they will pick up on it one day, then they will feel guilty for leaving you which is unfair on them. Have you got any pets? I love my dogs, they are my kids when the kids aren't home. Well they are my kids even when my kids are home, they are probably my favourites because they aren't assholes 😂
Time for a psychologist. I think you know this isn’t healthy and in the end your kids are going to work out that mum is miserable when they are gone and start to feel guilty when they are away from you and I don’t think you want that.
To be honest it sounds like your self worth and identity is wrapped up in your children and I think a psychologist can help you unwrap that and help you slowly start to enjoy your time apart.
The fact that you used to be fine and went out socialising and having fun on your off weeks makes me feel like it's more then just a mood thing and you need to seek some help for coping mechanisms and try and adjust your frame of mind.
OP HERE UPDATE
It was my idea to go 50/50 because I've always believed the father has just as much right to access their children as the mother. For those saying "be grateful" I am grateful, im very happy my kids have such wonderful role models. BUT this doesn't make me miss them less and just because i miss them doesnt mean I'm going to end 50/50 out of spite.
As far as im concerned him having them as much as me is irrelevant. Im struggling with missing them. Theyre 2 completely different things.
It's pretty normal to miss your kids, I do 50/50 as well. It can be difficult at times I know. Try to look at the positives, your children get to have a good relationship with both parents, you get some time off to do things that light you up. Sounds like you are getting some form of anxiety if it's affecting you so much you can't go to work. I did a lot of councelling with a psychologist and I found that helped me a lot. Time to move forward with your life. Your kids need a mum that looks after herself when they are with her and when they are not with her. Keep going mum. Don't be too hard on yourself. Remember to tell yourself how proud you are of yourself for everything that you do.
I’m the opposite. My daughter just spent 4 weeks away and had Christmas and her 4th birthday away.
I also get a kid free mother’s day every year because it’s my exes birthday.
But I do FaceTime my daughter twice a day when she is away, and always have and always will.
I just do things for me I read. I engage in events that I couldn’t go to if I had her. I go and spend time with my family. I go to the movies. I go to shops put headphones in and just have a look.
I lie in on the weekends and cook.
You need to work on who you are without your children, they are on loan and one day they will have lives of their own and you will be stuck in the same situation. Set goals at the beginning of the time they leave and achieve them.
Write a letter everyday and read them to them when they come back.
You have the best of both worlds stop being sad and embrace it