Just looking for support from those who have been there.. not opinions from the unexperienced..
I have a 10 year old son, and a 4 year old. ( same dad, 4 year old never knew his bio dad and has been raised by my current partner since about 12 months old)
My 10 year old son recently lost his father.
Unfortunately his father and I separated 4.5 years ago. I re-partnered and have recently had a baby (5 weeks) in this time.
Initially we tried to co- parent.. but due to his father's mental health, drug and alcohol abuse and continuing abuse towards me and inability to provide basic needs ( was having visitation where-ever he was living at the time, often couldn't do overnight etc which our child wanted desperately more time)
Visitation ceased upon court order and my son didn't get to see his dad for about 18 months prior to his passing :( this was due to concerns for his wellbeing and safety.
We checked in regularly with dad, but also knew nothing changed in terms of his father's drug and alcohol abuse, mental health and living arrangements.
His father passed just before Christmas in a terrible accident possibly suicide we will never really know..
However after the funeral recently .. I am really worried about my son. Naturally I expect him to grief and be sad or angry.. but how do I help him through this..
My son has additional needs so he often hangs on things that upset him.. He has expressed he no longer feels happy, that when his trying to have fun he feels sad or angry and he worryingly walks around with the world on his shoulders, he walks very slump and unergentic and generally reminds me of the elephant from Winnie the pooh. And I am worried about him.
Early days, but life has to go on and I can't let him sit in his black hole for too long before pulling him out.
He ready sees a counsellor who is away until early Feb.
For anyone who has a child who has lost a parent... what does it look like, how do you help them not lose themselves and continue to grief but not go backwards or lose sight of their own life..
He told me he wants to kill himself to be with his dad weve talked about this, and isn't the first time in his short life he talks like this. He already takes medication and actively sees a pediatrician.
I guess for me, i dont want to take away from his right to grief the loss of his dad,but I also don't want to sit back and watch him fall into a great depression.
I know for him it is hard and that he lost all this time that he will never be able to get back, and that he can't understand why his dad couldnt get better, and why he couldn't be with his dad.
14 Replies
This will affect him forever. He probably needs a team behind him, not just a counsellor but psych appointments as well. Christmas time is hard when you can't see your kids. Why did 4 year old not know his Dad, not even supervised visits?
Our 4 year old didn't know his bio dad due to ongoing suicide attempts it was agreed ( our 4 year old has some serious health issues) that it would be just better for everyone if we focused on his treatment, dad agreed to this too and the court documents where signed and it takes a really big person to admit that maybe they have become someone who just isn't fit to raise a child.. we hoped things would get better but it did not.
This is lifelong, it’s not going away any time soon. He needs more than a counsellor, he needs a psychiatrist and psychologist, as a team.
Did he at least talk to his dad over the past 18 months?
Kids adore their parents, no matter their flaws.
Sadly no they did not talk. He would try to call but often dad was hard to reach. In the end he didn't want to talk but now wishes he could.
My uncle is on the spectrum, he's in his 50s but has the mentality of a child.
When my grandfather died he took it really hard too, not immediately but about 12 months later because I think it took him time to process it all properly. So I daresay your son is still very much in the confusion stages right now.
It's good that he's already under the care of some professionals, because they will be able to offer you a lot of help and insight. He probably does need some very specific grief counselling though and as others have mentioned, some ongoing treatment with a child psychologist. Possibly some other therapies too but that's something you should talk to his drs about.
Good luck x
If he is threatening to kill himself you take him straight to emergency for a mental health assessment. It’s not worth the risk.
Slightly different situation, but my son also has additional needs. He had barely started high school when his great grandfather died. Four months later his grandfather died. He struggled with his grief. He was also starting to struggle with his feelings in regards to being different as well as being at a new school with a lot of kids he hadn’t been through primary school with. As soon as he started saying he didn’t want to be alive anymore I had at the GP to get a mental health care plan and organised counseling. After the first counseling session I dropped him back to school, but two hours later I got a call asking me to go in for a chat. He had told another student he wanted to hurt himself. I called the GP and they were going to fit him in between patients, but by the time we got there they had decided it would be better to go straight to emergency where he could be assessed by a mental health team. At the hospital he was taken in virtually as soon as I’d finished giving all the info. Once he settled in a room and basic obs were done I was taken to another room to give a complete medical history to the emergency doctor and explain why we there. I then got sent out to the waiting room while the doctor and nurse had a chat with my son. I got called back in while they contacted the mental health team. During all the waiting they checked on us regularly, encouraged me to get food and drinks for myself and my son. I was reminded constantly that I need to look after myself so I can look after my son. When the mental health team came in I was able to stay with him. They asked a him a few questions and pretty much just let him talk about everything that had been happening, the good and the bad. We were eventually sent home as they deemed him to not be a risk to himself or anyone else. We were sent home with contact numbers for both my son and myself if either of us needed additional support. They came up with a plan with my son of what he can do to help himself and who he can talk to. He sees his psychologist fortnightly, although due to Christmas/new year and his psychologist having holidays it’s going to be six weeks between the last and the next appointment. It’s been five months (nearly a year since his great grandfather died) and he has his good days and his bad days. I’ve been told it could several years before he is fully out the other side.
That is amazing care! Refreshing to hear, our local mental health is completely useless. That kind of intervention saves lives, well done to all of them right from the friend through to the mental health team and yourself of course.
It's January! This happened a month ago? His counsellor has gone away ... shouldn't he be seeing another one? He is grieving and it's going to take a long time for him to get through this there is no quick fix. He needs more professional help. I know a girl who found her mothers dead body when she was 5 and that situation is a bit more traumatic but the loss is the same. He is going to need ongoing professional help through his childhood you can't just expect him to get over it. Let him be sad, show him photos, talk about GOOD memories. Let him know it's ok to be sad.
We live in the country.. closest help is 4-6 even 8 hours away... we have locum support.. we do what we can with what we have ! Short answer There isn't another one.
Video call? I live rural too, they should have arranged someone else
The clinic has been unattended. I did try to call, left a message. They are on holidays
Start showing your son lots attention. Make sure he knows that it is ok to be sad and when he is he can rely on his family being around him to support him through it. In my experience the sadness will pass but the lesson the he can always rely on you wont.
Start showing your son lots attention. Make sure he knows that it is ok to be sad and when he is he can rely on his family being around him to support him through it. In my experience the sadness will pass but the lesson the he can always rely on you wont.
As others have said this isn’t an overnight thing.
Making sure he feels completely free to talk about his dad. Having a special space for him to place photos/things about his dad. We have been looking at for my daughter having a picture printed on a doll so that she can carry around.
My daughter is 4 and I suspect on the spectrum. Lately non stop about her late poppy, who passed before I even met her dad. She is always saying she misses him and wants to die to be with him. We have also just experienced the lost of a great grandmother and the same use of dying to be with them.
I encourage her to talk about them all the time, they walk to daycare with us flying over watching us and keeping us safe.
Make dead not a taboo topic but just an open one. We all experience lost in life. Some loses hit harder than others. Sometimes you never heal.
Make sure he knows he was loved by his father even though he couldn’t always be there.
Also get some story books on loss.
You are doing a great job x