Hi IM’s,
I recently found out im pregnant #4 total shock! My husband has two teenage children from a previous relationship 20 and 17. We have a 6, 2 and 11 mth old. Im 6 weeks pregnant and husband wants a termination😔 I do not feel comfortable with that decision. He has had 12 months to get the snip ✂️ 3 referrals later and a bit of laziness on his end and 2.5 seconds later well surprise im pregnant!! We have always been very blessed with falling pregnant feels like we only have to look at each other. He feels he has done his part and in the last 6 weeks booked a appointment and is on the wait list. I feel he has had over 12 months to get organised (have been on his back about it and did say numerous times “ we are playing with fire”)
I myself dont handle contraceptives very well break through bleeding etc been on many many pills over the years and 3 implanons and nuva ring.
3 c-sections and one ectopic pregnancy with removal of one fallopian tube. Ive done my part with surgeries! It was ONE responsibility he had and agreed too! I will resent him if i choose to terminate which i am not comfortable in doing! I am pro choice but in this situation i feel its not worthy of that decision... but this is his baby too and just so sad we can not get on the same page😔
I guess my question is has anyone been in a similar situation themselves and can share their experience..
Im hurt he feels this way and i am in shock also i just think its a blessing,( had sex once) and it takes two to tango and we pull up our socks and get on with it!
Thankyou fellow IM’s😘
21 Replies
Sorry but birth control goes both ways
If you weren’t on anything and he didn’t get the snip then you don’t have sex
Or you use condoms
Birth control is both of your responsibility. You were both being neglectful in that department. But I feel your in a catch 22 situation. You both want completely different things. You want this pregnancy he definitely doesn’t. You will resent him if you terminate he will resent you if you keep it. 6 children is a lot and I can completely see where he is coming from. This is a situation that could have easily been avoided with a condom. What’s more important to you, this embryo or your husband and family?
I have no judgement. It’s similar to what I went through with my last child #3. He wouldn’t get the snip and I wasn’t on contraception.
He wanted an abortion I wasn’t sure what to do. I went to the doctor and set a date then backed out of it.
He adjusted and She’s 9 now and loves her.
It’s the hardest decision to make. Do what is right for you.
If he's the one that didn't want more then he should have organised the snip when you fell pregnant with your last child. If you don't want to abort then don't but also consider that the child may be resented by your husband. I also think you will have a fairly good age gap if your youngest is only 11 months, its not like you're bringing him back to the baby stage because you're already in it. I think you need to have a serious chat, don't play the blame game about whose fault it is just say well we are pregnant, I want it, you don't, what are we going to do about it?
At this point it doesn't actually matter who was responsible for contraception (it's both of you by the way). It gives neither of you any more say than the other realistically. If you want to keep this child and he doesn't and it is a deal breaker for one or both of you then that is the decision you both have to deal with. You both need to sit down without blaming one another because as you said it takes two to tango so you're both equally to 'blame' and try to come to a decision then move forward.
Everyone is so judgy about the contraception. I'd feel the same if its casual sex but it's not, your husband would be aware of the reasons that you dont use contraception therefore should pick up the slack to help. I dont use contraception because it messes with my mental health - my husband knows this therefore always wears a condom and we have had no accidents (yes yes it's not 100% I know - were waiting for an admission date for the snip). I'm sorry that you're in this predicament just didnt like everyone attacking you for a mishap that cant be undone now (in the sense of protection) which wasnt even the help you were looking for. I hope things become clearer for you and your husband soon.
Thankyou so much for your honest reply.. its a tricky situation everything will turn out ok hubby has a very kind soul and loves his kids so will just need to be patient and take time. He will continue the snip and I will also get tube tied in theatre. Double precaution taken! For the judges out there!! Thankyou again as i said in my original post takes two to tango and didnt help with previous comments getting reminded about condoms and responsibilities- sex ed talk was not answering my question of any similar stories (Except one which i appreciate) 😣
You don’t need double protection, you just need one 😂😂😂. You didn’t get pregnant on contraception, you weren’t using any.
A pregnancy isn’t a surprise when your doing nothing to prevent it.
Ladies, come on, what's with the judgey judgey... We all fall pregnant the same way :)
To the OP, in my experience deciding whether to continue or terminate a pregnancy is one of the hardest things you will ever have to decide. I think once you have been a mother it is even harder. Again, in my experience the dad gets his opinion and input but the final and binding decision has to be yours. You are carrying the child and it's your body and mind that both the pregnancy and abortion impact. Finally, some wise words passed on from a friend to me many years ago - do not have any child if you are not 100% committed to raising this child alone. Because when TSHTF it's the mum that normally is left with primary care giver.
I have had 2 terminations in my lifetime - one at 17; one at 36. Both to the same father. The first was relatively easy to process mentally - I was still at school and the impact was obvious. I also wasn't a mother, so the potential of that baby was a naive concept. The second I already had 2 children and my marriage was collapsing. While I think of the 'what if's' still; I also know that I needed to be available for my living children and that 3rd child would have impacted our survival emotionally and financially.
Best wishes toward with your decision. I hope you and hubby can have some frank discussion and find common ground. Hugs.
Thankyou and I completely agree 😊
This is such beautiful and thoughtful advice.
Birth control is both of your responsibility. My husband agreed to a vasectomy but I booked it. He was working long hours so I helped. If he wants a termination (which sounds reasonable given 5 kids already including some being adults), you need to decide whether you are willing to risk damaging your marriage and divorcing because he can't handle another child. He needs to whether he is willing to risk your marriage if you get a termination and resent him. You both have a serious conversation you have that needs to consider the long term consequences.
Wow so many judgemental women here. Let's just bring awareness to the fact that not every form of contraception works for every women. They all have some serious side effects. I do feel for op if her husband didn't want any more getting a vasectomy should have been a priorit. He is an adult and can make his own medical appts. Had he of done it 20 months ago the likely hood of this happening would have been slim.
Op has already said it take 2 to tango so there is no need for a complete sex education talk when she only asked for advice. Judgement is half of what's wrong with this world and maybe if half of you followed by the rule of you got nothing nice or valid to say then say nothing, or maybe if anything teach yourselves to be kind. Goodluck op
My 4rd child was a big suprise. We were using contraception- but obviously something went wrong. My husband wanted a termination. He was adamant it would ruin our 'perfect' life. Our other kids were older and baby-hood was behind us. I booked it, then couldnt do it. This was a baby... like my other 3...how could I vacuum it away because it was an inconvinience?! Suprise Baby turned 1 a few weeks ago and is the apple of my husbands eye. He absolutely adores everything about baby. He often says he cannot imagine our home without this bundle of unplanned love.
I would be keeping it. I could never live with that decision. Just me. It was obviously meant to be.
You don’t need a referral for the snip and there are places that can do it for under 300 bucks after the Medicare rebate. There’s no need for him to be put under or even receive a twilight sedation. He could drive himself home after it.
I would be interested to know how old your husband is considering he has adult children and your kids are so young
I was in this exact position a couple of weeks ago. I knew my husband was wanting to terminate though he did give me the final choice but I could tell he wouldn't have been happy to keep the baby. He wanted us to go to talk with someone at a clinic too. I eventually made the decision that I couldn't go through with it and would rather keep it at the risk of him leaving than resent him and have us likely break up from terminating. Sadly a couple of days later I had a miscarriage which has been hard but given us the chance to ensure better contraception for the future
I was in this exact position only my third pregnancy.
Very unexpectedly fell pregnant after the sudden and unexpected death of my mum.
My partner was very pro termination. I was not. After weeks of sitting on it and thinking it through non stop, one night I had a breakdown and made my decision that I would keep the baby and deal with him resenting me.
Our daughter is now 4 months old. He has made it clear that he still had no say in the matter and that he holds some resentment towards me but he loves our girl incredibly much (She is his 4th). I have absolutely no regrets. She has been the missing link to our family. He has now had the snip.
Have the baby!! Do not and I mean DO NOT kill that baby. You already don’t feel comfortable with the idea and once it’s done there is no going back.( I have had a termination biggest regret of my life)