How do I deal? I have been blessed with 4 beautiful kids. My brother and his partner have none. When my first child arrived she was warmly received but as the family got bigger it became less and less so. Sure they always bought gifts on birthdays and Christmas but they were given months late as they’d not attend the parties or even visit us. If we were lucky the kids would get a text on the day. They would never hold the babies when they were little and refused to babysit the one and only time I ever asked them. I finally called him out on his poor behaviour late last year and it didn’t go well, things have been strained but polite ever since. They never said anything but I suspected they were having fertility problems and the kids and our relationship took the brunt of their hurt. Now they have announced that they are pregnant and I’m genuinely happy for them and obviously said as much. I will love my niece or nephew dearly and be a far better aunt than they have been to mine. It’s just I still feel hurt for how my kids and I have been treated by them and I’m finding it hard to process. I don’t want to minimise their pain through their fertility struggles but well it’s now been 8 years of them being cold and absent and they have zero relationship with my kids and it hurts me. Now that they are finally in a situation to empathise and understand should that excuse them from everything they’ve done up til now? How do I deal with these hurt feelings?
14 Replies
Not everyone wants to baby sit
I don’t go to a lot of my nieces birthday parties and sometimes they don’t get their present till a month or so later when I see them, everyone has busy lives
And as for not holding the baby, well maybe they aren’t comfortable
I think they have been a bit childish, if the only reason they were like this is because they couldn't have children of their own. But on the other side of it, some people are really bad with this kind of thing, myself included. I have been so hit and miss with my nieces and nephews birthdays. I would never say no to babysitting though, unless I was working or sick. I think you should let the past go, start again. Get your kids excited for their new cousin and get them to give them a gift. They might start being more involved now and they may even say sorry in a few years when they realise how important birthdays and extended family are.
Get over it!
She's asking how to! Rude bitch!
I personally don't think it's a big deal... I think it could be more a case of the fact you and your brother grew up and have different, busy lives. And so what if they arent/weren't at the baby stage when you were... they kept their distance because it was obviously right for them.
I think your expectations are high of your brother. My brother never goes out of his way for my kids, but I know he would be there the second I needed him (probably not to baby sit for something minor but I'm talking, he would come and save us if we were in trouble or something) and he is protective over my kids if anything bad were to happen... everyone is so busy these days, it's so hard to go out of your way to visit people ect ect.
It’s not an auntie or uncles job to babysit! In fact being an aunt or uncle shouldn’t come with expectations at all.
I would never call my sisters out because they did or didn’t do something that I perceived as an expectation. Cause there shouldn’t be an expectation.
The op said ‘one and only’ I doubt that babysitting was an expectation if in 8 years with 4 kids it was only asked once. Sounds more like it was an emergency/desperate situation and they still declined.
Yes, but there are also other expectations she had that they didn’t meet.
Sometimes family is close, sometimes they aren’t. Sometimes people remember sometimes they have there own stuff going on that we have no idea about.
Honestly, the fact that the brother and SIL haven’t told about the fertility issues makes it sound like they were never that close but OP had expectations that they were.
How sad so many of these replies are. I come from a strong family and we all attend birthdays help each other out with babysitting and the cousins have a ball together growing up. I think the modern world is becoming far to ‘busy’ with the wrong priorities. As for the OP I can only suggest being the bigger person and using this as an opportunity to build the relationship now that they understand your situation better. Good luck
I'm sorry to say this but I kinda think you're over reacting. No one is obliged to hold your baby nor are they obliged to buy presents for the kids. My brother lives over 2000km away so they only time my kids see him is at Christmas every second year. We may facetime with him every couple of months but that's usually a very short interaction as the kids get bored. As for presents he may get them something when he comes to visit but otherwise it's rare. Does that mean my kids love him any less or vice versa? No! They are all over him when he is here and they enjoy his company. He isn't a kid person but that doesn't make him a bad person and the short amount of time he gets to spend with them he enjoys. I should note that my brother and I are extremely close so it isn't as if we dont have a relationship.
As for them having fertility issues, as many woman know you dont necessarily have the most rational thought processes when you're in a bad place emotionally and they may have felt like you have been rubbing your family in there noses and may have needed to distance themselves from you to cope. The other thing you have to remember is that this is likely your issue not your kids. Has a lack of aunt and uncle impacted their life negatively? Probably not - many kids dont have any so this sounds more like you missing your brother more so than anything else so perhaps you need to be a good sister and approach him without expectations of anything to do with your kids and try to rebuild your relationship with him first.
And lastly please dont use the babysitting thing against him - I know it was only once but the only person obliged to take care of your children is you and some people are not comfortable looking after other people's kids - I have my own kids and dont like looking after other people's kids especially if there is more than one.
I think a lot of commenters here are missing the overall picture the OP was trying to describe and that is that the couple were uninterested in her kids because they couldn't have any of their own which is hurtful to have someone close to you do, it feels like they are taking it out on your kids, which isn't fair. Hopefully now they will have a more mature attitude and give their nieces and nephews the same recognition they would want their own child to have from its aunts and uncles.
Honestly, you just move forward.
I know that it hurts when people such as aunts/uncles/grandparents that should want to be involved in your child's life simply aren't interested (for whatever reason) but you can't force anyone to have the type of role in your children's lives that you envisioned. Even if you could, kids grow to sense and subsequently resent those type of relationships that are based on feelings of obligation rather than genuine love.
The new baby may be a step towards healing these relationships but if it doesn't - just remember that at the end of the day your brother is the one missing out.
I don't think you should judge his actions on what you believe a 'good' aunty or uncle should do.
I understand you feel hurt for your kids by they're inactions but you've never experienced infertility so can't empathise with what they were going through. Right or wrong perhaps pulling away was a type of self preservation for them?
You can't get back the time that's gone nor can you make them behave in a way you believe they should be. All you can control is your actions and how you choose you behave with your new niece or nephew.
I totally understand where your coming from. It’s funny how people expect you to make endless time for their kids when over the years before they had kids they barely made time for yours!
8 years is a long time. You know have a choice 1. Just be the Aunty you had always planned to be. 2. Mirror the way the have treated your kids..