Please post on FB as soon as possible I need some advice and I can’t talk to many people
I made a crime stoppers report a few weeks ago when I had a few red wines. It’s been referred to a detective to investigate. I’ve been asked to go in to the station on Saturday and give a statement which can take between 6 and 8 Hours. They would have the view to arrest him straight after the statement.
This is about a guy who was 28/29/30 at the time and I was 14/15 who sexually abused me. I was being physically abused at home and I rang a friend one day and her phone diverted to him. He earned my trust and we met the week after, and we had sex. It was
My second time. He knew how old I was.
This continued for a few years, and I never said that I didn’t want to. But I was a child as well, and I had a choice between severe physical abuse at home or going away for the weekend and seeing him.
Over time he then filmed us having sex on webcam and live streamed it - often with thousands of people watching at any time as they had been ‘mirrored’ from different computers.. I don’t know if these still exist or not or if police can find them. He never used condoms.
He was never physically abusive to me and would often step in and take me away when the physical abuse at home was too much. He called the police one day when my head was bleeding. He offered for me move in with him and he would pay school fees for a private school.
Instead he went guarantor for a small unit for me to live in which I stayed in until I met my daughters father when I was 15, who chased him away. I moved in with him shortly after.
I’m in so much conflict about this. I have been asked a few times, did I consent to this? I was a child and didn’t have the capacity to consent, but I also knew what was happening. Also, he has a daughter who is grown now who I don’t recall him having access to when I was around. He has a young son now and is married to someone who looks really young (like a teenager / but my fact checking shows that she isn’t). He told me that he was sexually abused by his father when he was a child.
What if he has never done anything to anyone else and I’m destroying his life? What will the impact on his wife and child
be? What if he is abusing others and I’m not saying anything?
I live with severe PTSD. I have been hospitalised in the past and see a psychologist regularly. It interferes with every aspect of my life - My relationship with my husband, thoughts about my body, fears for my children and that the world is a terrible place, feeling different and dirty and not like others. He wasn’t solely responsible for all this harm, my parents were too, but he certainly contributed and compounded the pain.
Then there are the fears of it going to trial and the impact that will have on my life, stirring things up. Answering repeated questions about the details of what happened would be so traumatising.
Plus, what would it achieve? Do I really want to be responsible for putting someone in jail who in their own sick way was trying to help me? Am I just perpetuating trauma? I feel so guilty.
I now have a 13 year old daughter and I can’t even comprehend her in the same situation.
I am now 33, so this is many years ago which is an added challenge.
6 Replies
You did the right thing beautiful lady, don’t doubt yourself.
Do you have a daughter?
I want to imagine your 15 year old daughter being filmed having sex with a grown man, with other disgusting adults watching.
What would you do?
Guess what, you deserve that same protection/action you would give her.
You were so very vulnerable and he is such a revolting predator.
Your parents were abusive, acted abusive, you knew they were rotten.
But him, he was a mindfuck, your saviour, your abuser, your rescuer, he never hurt you physically, his damage is all psychological, probably worse.
That’s why you carry so much guilt and confusion.
The guilt is his and his alone ❤️
You’re very brave and strong xxxx
Isn't it a shame you can't have your parents charged too, they failed you big time. Go and see a professional for advice on this, going through with a charge could make things worse for you, especially if he is just going to walk out of court at the end of it which could happen. Best of luck to you x
He took advantage of a young vulnerable teenager. He was the adult and he used his ‘white knight’ image to manipulate you.
Um...sometimes the lines can be blurred for sure with these things....but the filming and streaming the sex concreted it for me. He took advantage of a young girl who needed help. Not his kind of help though...honestly it made me feel sick reading about him offering to take you in like a parent while exploiting you. You are a victim. You are doing the right thing. He is a monster.
As someone who has had to watch her child walk the path of police investigation im going to be really honest - it’s going to to be brutal. You’ll have to speak about it numerous times, tell your story, draw pictures, then go to court and go through it all again. The police even warned us straight up that the mental impacts of the investigation and trial can be just as detrimental.
I’ve no doubt what he did is a criminal offence and he does deserve punishment.
For your own sake, speak to a psychologist specialising in this area or victims of crime support to help you decide how to move forward.
I can relate to how you're feeling so much. When I was 15 to 16 I was molested by my then stepfather. I kept quiet and moved out to live with my father shortly afterwards. I didn't think to tell my mother as she always put men before her 7 children. She had two babies to him and I didn't want them to be affected.
A few years later my younger half sister spoke up to my mother about inappropriate sexual behaviour towards herself. She said our step father had tried to get her drunk, she was 15/16. My mother kicked her out. I felt the worst I ever had. I could have prevented this but it never crossed my mind that he could pray on my sisters I guess because I didn't understand that it was him not me that caused it.. I still stayed quiet, I didn't want the drama, I didn't want to stir up old memories.
I got on with my life but struggled internally for so long.
I am a happy well adjusted person now. I have a loving family of my own, but upon telling my husband (I tell him everything), he has demanded I seek "justice" and speak up. I don't want to for so many reasons, it was so so long ago, why stir the pot?
I had to ask myself what would be best for ME.
I don't have much contact with my mother but we are amicable. I want to keep peace with her just for the sake of peace. She is what connects me to my younger half siblings.
What I'm getting at is that you need to decide what decision to make based on how it will effect YOU and you only. If the decision to speak up will help you find peace then DO IT. I decided speaking up would only impact me negatively as I'd have to re live it, face him, go to court etc. Follow your heart....