Recently my 11 yr old daughter has been purposely left out of her group of friends.
They are a group of 3 girls - with one girl only having joined their friendship group last year. Since then the newer girl (let's call her R for now) has slowly pushed away the other girl (lets call her E) away from spending time with my daughter.
While they all seemingly get along with each other more often then not my daughter is not invited to hang out with them. This isn't a small thing as E would spend a lot of time with my daughter with her spending more then 3 out of the 5 school days at our place after school with my daughter and A lot of the school holidays at ours (to the point where many times she would eat dinner with us and was like part of our family).
The straw the broke the camels back was this weekend when we had invited E and R over for a sleep over. When R had to leave E had asked her parent if she could go to R's house as well (even though she had agreed to a sleepover with my daughter - granted there was another young girl who was over as well so she wouldn't have been alone). E's parents said no so she said she wanted to go home. I was furious at that point I thought that this was so incredibly rude of her to do that especially when my daughter had asked her to sleepover (however i didnt say this to her). My daughter asked her politely if she would reconsider staying as she would really like her to stay so she could spend time with her. E agreed to stay and actually stayed until late in the afternoon the following day.
Now it comes to the next day when they are at school and when I pick her up she has told me that R has come up to her at lunch time and accused her of forcing E to stay after she left. I was so furious at hearing that because I had called up her E's mother the night it happened and asked what time she had planned on picking her up and when I went back to tell her what time she had decided to stay. I messaged both parents of these girls after I had calmed down and had said I didn't appreciate my daughter being accused of something she didn't do. R's mother did not think that she had done anything wrong as her daughter had "not spoken" to my daughter at all today. However E's mother was more understanding and spoke to E about that had happened.
While I don't think that E really wants to make my daughter feel bad I feel like R has a very tight hold on E and is trying to keep her for herself. Her mother likes to excuse her behaviour by saying that she's been bullied before so R knows what it is like. E has been my kids friend for almost 4 yrs and thinks of her as her best friend but is very upset that E doesn't think the same. What can she do to keep the peace? And is there Any other way I can get across to R's mother that she is alienating my kid from her friend.
9 Replies
It's a power play old as time itself, I had similar with a group of girls almost 30 years ago. It reached bullying behaviour and I became a loner carrying hidden knives.
At the time I was incredibly sad and lonely but that was my family doing nothing and me not knowing what to do.
You get your girl to make new/more friends.
Those girls back in the early 90's aren't a blip on my radar anymore except I became the "anti-bully", I'd see assholes picking on other kids and I'd be into them so they forgot their target and started on me. After so long I didn't give a shit anyway and that's followed me into adulthood - as we know these behaviors aren't restricted to kids.
In the mid 90's I met a chick as crazy as I am and we've best besties since. My tribe was there, I just had to bounce for a while before I found it.
I don't think there's anything you can do. They're teenage girls. You can't control them, or their friends. R's mother probably isn't going to care unless it's her daughter being wronged.
I'd be encouraging your daughter to expand her social circle, maybe try new activities & not be too dependent on one friend, & learn that people change - it sucks but it will happen throughout her life.
I'm sorry there's no magic answer, friendships can be tough at any age!
You are never going to win this one and trying to get another parent to see it from your point of view is never going to work. Besides the point the girls are 11 so at this age they really need to sort there own friendships out.
What I’d be advising my daughter to do, is expand her friendship circle and rely less on her current friends.
If she could make new friends she would but she attends quite a small school and her grade only has a small amount of girls so quite limited. The only thing I can tell her is to be kind to R and E. She's going to a different school to them next year so we probably will lose touch with R but I think we will try to keep in touch with E.
Cant she make friends with girls,of other year levels?
If it’s a small school, she must know the year 5s and 4s.
First of all I'd like to welcome you to the hell that is pubescent female friendships. Strap yourself in for the ride sister 🤣😭
Secondly, R's mother is a lost cause.
Believe me, you can't reason with a person that is unwilling to even consider that their child might not be behaving in the best way. Seriously, your energy is better directed elsewhere!
E was incredibly rude - I'm thinking a few lessons in manners and keeping to promises/plans have probably been missed somewhere along the line. God I'd be horrified if any of my kids did that! Your daughter must've felt so hurt, rejected and I'm guessing a little embarrassed. Have you spoken to E's parents specifically about this incident? That's something I probably would do.
In future, only ever have E and R over to your place individually. You know the saying "two's company, three's a crowd"? I'm convinced that saying came to be because of pre teen girls.
Lastly, I think the best thing you can do (as I previously mentioned about where to focus your energy) is to give your daughter the tools to navigate this difficult aspect of friendships by empowering her. Help her recognise and express her feelings when her friends aren't treating her right and also by teaching her how good friendships are supposed to feel (spoiler - friendships shouldn't be hard, they shouldn't make you feel bad about yourself 😉) I'd also Encourage her to broaden her social circles.
Something I also tell my girls is that you don't have to have a "best friend", that label puts on a lot of unnecessary pressure, especially for girls at such a tender age. Having good friends is what we should be aiming for!
I'll also throw out there that you should try not to get over involved. This will be a fundamental life lesson for your daughter, so it's important to guide her but not go jumping in to micro manage (as much as that is tempting lol).
I try not to get to involved in her life however R has hurt her in the past before. I try to stay out of it as much as I can and try to give her advise on how to handle it.
Like I said before my kid goes to a small school with only a small amount of girls in her grade so is quite limited to who she can make friends with. So she tries her best to keep peace with R as she seemingly controls what E will do. As she would really like to stay friends with them both even though they may not treat her the best.
Also I spoke to E's parents and they agreed that it was rude of her to want to go stay with R even though she had been invited to a sleep over at our house and that she wanted leave because she didn't get her own way.
I'm just hoping she makes some decent friends when she gets to high school
I work
In a school and we always say girls and friends don’t work in a group of 3
Needs to be two or four or some one is left out
Talk to your daughter about how not all friends treat us right, and that it’s ok to have more friends, encourage her to try a new activity whether it be after school or at school lunch time,
And Rs mother is just poison and you can’t reason with that
I’ve got 3 daughters and I can relate.
Especially one daughter.
Had an R friend and a few E’s during primary school.
It was incredibly hard as some of the E’s were bullies and those were dealt with through the school luckily. But don’t rely on just R as her best and only friend in the world. It’s a small school but on the weekends and holidays have each girl (not just R & E) over and have fun activities so she can bond with other girls too.
I’d keep in contact with R’s mum but E’s is a lost cause but still keep in contact, it’s funny how if you befriend a parent the kids become better friends too.
It wasn’t until high school and a whole new bunch of girls to make friends with. My daughter made a whole new friendship group, but only after a lot of daily encouragement to continue in another friendship group (R&E were at our high school too) it was hard at first bonding so I’d have some of the girls over. My daughter at times still felt like the 3rd wheel when they’d kind of pair off but I’d have to continually tell her to not sulk and just sit with someone else in the group and not be clingy. A lot of life lessons. She’s also had false gossip from one of them she had to deal with who has now moved away. Another was too clingy and I used that girl as an example of what not to be as it just repelled her.
The group has grown and over the years she has formed many great friendships not just one bf.
My daughters experiences has made her a great friend others now appreciate.
All you can do is ride this last year out. Ask her to look around and see what girls or boys are alone and befriend them.
Talk about it for 20 minutes a day and say no more today.