Am I being too protective? I have 4 kids, the eldest is 11.5yrs (she looks 16! 173cms, boobs, not your average 11yr old!). She is starting to want more freedom. Like going on sleepovers (which I don't do), going to the shops with her friends etc. I think 11 is too young to just be wondering around. I let go the other day and let her go to the park, about 500m away from our house, with a girl and 2 boys. Strict, 1hr and be home. So she was 25mins late and turns out she walked an extra km to go get drinks and donuts. I was at home with her younger siblings. One who's just had very serious health problems. If I had to go get her for whatever reason, I would have had no idea where she was. I don't agree with 11 year olds just wondering around the streets. She thinks she has a horrible childhood because of this. Yes I have issues. I have trust issues. I was unfortunately one of those kids that was abused. People are married to people their whole lives and have no idea that they have been abusing kids. Older brothers abuse younger siblings and their friends. Yes this happened to me. I control what it is I can control. I will stop the cycle of abuse from happening with my children. At what point do I start to let go?? My husband thinks I'm too protective... Don't really think you can be with stuff like this. They get bumps and bruises and fall down and dust it off, I'm not a helicopter parent, but this is different and I can't get passed it.
10 Replies
As someone that was abused I can 💯 see and understand where you are coming from. My oldest is 7 but already looks “older” as I did. I know what he body has install for her. The same as mine, tall, tanned, hour glass shape with large breasts by 11-12 years old. BUT we need to let go, we need to give them some freedom. It’s terrifying but if we don’t we are only going to end up with sad kids that end up being sneaky kids. Yes she lied to you and shouldn’t have been late or gone off where you didn’t know she was. I would be furious! But you could also use this as a teaching opportunity about respecting the rules.
I very much believe that kids do need to be given the tools and opportunities to become well rounded and independent young adults. At 11, that's about the age most kids are ready to start that journey.
I do think a lot of parents make the mistake of giving too much independence too soon. Transitioning is important.
What I feel is a fair amount of independence at that age (and I have 11 and 12 year olds myself so this is what I follow).
Walking or riding to/from school.
Spending an hour or so at home alone.
Going to the park with a few friends.
Being dropped off at the cinema with mates then being collected afterwards.
Absolutely always must be where they say they're going to be. If they're late or go elsewhere - they lose privileges.
Things like using public transport and going to the shopping centres will be something I'll consider once they're in high school.
So, I think the main issue with what you mentioned is that you gave your daughter an inch (quite a fair inch) and she took a mile. That really does suggest that she's not mature enough to be doing anything.
It's imperative that she understands that you need to be able to trust her to be where she is meant to be and to make smart choices if she wants you to loosen the reigns a bit.
Good luck Hun, don't forget this won't be the first time she'll feel like you've ruined her life. You wouldn't be doing your job properly if she was allowed to do whatever made her happy. You have her best interests at heart, she's just too much of a teenager to grasp that yet but she'll thank you one day!
My eldest was 11 (nearly 12) the first time I let him go to the shops with a group of friends, and it was on the proviso that someones parent was going to be there as well. He had a basic talk and text mobile phone for emergencies. Before that he was allowed to walk home from school once or twice a month after seeing me at our meeting point while I waited for his younger brother. We live about 700m from the oval entrance to the primary school with the high school next door and closer to home, so there are always lots of high school kids walking past our place. Once he started high school I started letting him do a bit more. He was nearly 14 when I let him start catching the bus to the library after school for a couple hours to do homework, then I would pick him up. I’ve done similar with my younger son, letting him walk to and from school with his brother, walk around the shops together, before now letting him do things on his own.
I have consequences for not being where they are supposed to be or being late, as well as not answering their phones when I contact them (I ring them when I finish work to let them know I’m on my way home).
I'm sorry about all the horrible things you went through. Its not fair and it certainly doesn't make you a bad parent. However, our kids need to be able to grow, develop, take risks and live their lives. You don't want your children to grow up and become paranoid too, do you? You want them to understand risks, yes, but they also have to live their own lives.
The thing is, whilst she is 11, you may have a little bit of control, but then when the teenage years hit, that control can backfire. The more you control older kids, the more they rebel and go the other way. She will learn to lie even more, sneak out and get ujp to all sorts of trouble, whilst knowing this behaviour drives you up the wall (teenagers turn into little buggers lol).
Anyhow, can you sit down and talk to her. Start off small - small independent activities like shopping with a friend at a shopping centre (whilst you have a coffee for an hour or 2), park with friends for 1 hour and just progress it on.
Your past cannot dictate their lives. My mum tried that with me for a while. Our relationship is still strained 25 years later. I just lied, skipped school and did whatever i liked.
I think you should see someone, the issue is you, not her. Walking to the park and shop is a pretty normal 11 year old thing to do. She was gone an hour and a half. That's not long. Your anxiety is not going to get better as she gets older because I don't think this has anything to do with her age, you're worried about her being abused and that won't go away until you get professional help.
Really.? My son is 11 and no way I’d let him walk to the shops. I guess we all parent different and our kids are different but for me. I think it’s too young. Maybe 14-15 I’d let my son.
My youngest is 16 and they have been able to walk to shops, parks and school since my youngest was 6 and eldest was 10. They have all survived quite well, I guess it depends where you live and how independent you would like your child to be. My kids have always known what to do if someone gets injured or if they come across bad people. I couldn't imagine waiting until 15 to let them walk places on their own, they are old enough to work at this age and only a few years off being an adult. They would also need to get themselves to and from school at some point or would you stay home forever so they don't have to?
I don't think you're being overprotective at all. She's 11, that's still a child. Abuse or not, they don't have the cognitive maturity to think ahead or make smart choices.
If she wants freedom then she needs to earn it, and at 11 that would still be some time away.
Can her friends come over to your place? Do you have somewhere they could hang out with 'privacy'.
My son is 11 and he isn’t allowed to go anywhere by himself. The most he has done is ridden around the block on his scooter where I can see him the whole way. My son has also just started going to play at friends houses for the day. I don’t allow sleep overs either and nothing has happened to me but I do realise how easy things can happen. I will do all I can to protect my kids weather they like it or not. So no you aren’t over reacting. Your daughter is only 11. I think maybe 14-15 they are much more mature to go or the shops or movies With a friend. Don’t feel bad for it. Stick to your guns, you aren’t over reacting. Better to be more protective than not. Only takes that one time for their lives to be destroyed.
I was abused by my uncle and cousin.
I don't do sleep overs (much to other parents annoyance)
But we do let them play with kids in the street, go to the park alone. They can ride to the shops. They catch a bus home from school. (The little bit of independence has helped with 2 occasions where the bus has had issues)
My 2 are a girl and a boy very close in age, maybe that is my security blanket.
But I think a child is more likely to be abused by a family member then a stranger.
No strangers ever looked like abusing me, but those 2 family members were from opposite sides of my family.
We also hire Apprentices, they NEED independence in the working world.
We can tell the cottonwool kids over independent kids as a 1st year by 4th year it is a huge difference between the two.