Different love for my children

Anon Imperfect Mum

Different love for my children

I am struggling to even verbalise this but I keep thinking time will change this and so far it hasn’t.

I have two children, 2 years old and 11 months old.

And I just don’t feel equal love for them, no matter how much I try.

I feel like the worst mother in the world but my second daughter just doesn’t make my heart feel like it’s going to explode the way my first does.

Don’t get me wrong I treat them the same and I love them both more than my own life ,and would do absolutely anything for either of them, but I have this nagging feeling of guilt and I am getting kind of desperate because I want to have the same feelings for my second that I do for my first.

My second child is so much more cruisy, she’s the sweetest little thing and everyone adores her. I just don’t know what is wrong with me. I list all the things I love about her, I spend extra time with her to try and bond in case that’s the reason, but I feel like such a bad person and I don’t know what to do.

I’ve talked to my husband about it and he said that from the outside it appears that I favour my baby, but I think that is me compensating for my lack of feelings.

I’m thinking of going to therapy to try and find the reason why I feel differently about them as it’s eating me up.

Has anyone experienced this and did it go away? Did you find a way to fix it?

Posted in:  Parenthood Guilt

10 Replies

Anon Imperfect Mum

I think the hardest thing about parenting is feeling the natural urges to one but making the actual effort to be loving to the other I ne whatever way you think you are lacking.
That shows that you do love them but relationships are different and feelings do change. As long as you're fair in their eyes it's the best you can do.

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Anon Imperfect Mum

I think you are over thinking this.
Ask any parent with more than one and they will tell you that the next child is different. It’s not that you don’t love them, but you have had all the firsts with the first child.
By the 2nd you are relaxing, less anxious, less excitement as you’ve been here before. Each subsequent child gets less photos taken etc.
Its not a lack of love. It’s just different.
You said yourself, you love them both more than your entire life.
Also as your 2nd child grows and develops hobbies and interests of there own and start to shine in other ways to there older sibling it helps!

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Anon Imperfect Mum

Really normal. At 11 months, they don't interact with you or show their personality the way your eldest child does. It will change.

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Anon Imperfect Mum

Dont over think it! She is more independant which is a good thing.. we all felt like this either prior to second birth or after it runs its course and front forget a mothers heart is so big it can love a hundreds kids the same value .. just enjoy them both let the feeling go until it runs its course !

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Anon Imperfect Mum

Me.... but I’m the opposite.

I feel this way about my second child, that I have extra connection that I never had with my first.

I’m not sure if it’s because our first was a complete surprise and our second was planned, but I too feel like the absolute worst human and I’m forever trying to compensate for it.

I unfortunately don’t have an answer for you, other than time.
The older my eldest gets, the more we talk and I’m starting to feel my chest ignite again.

Your not alone, but I will also add that anxiety and stress do amazing things mentally to us.... I think this is part of the problem.

Good luck Xx

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Anon Imperfect Mum

I struggled to connect with my second child and then when he was about 18 months old something clicked. Somewhere deep down I always feared he would die and I wondered if some of my problems came from me keeping my distance a little so I wouldn't get so hurt, such a ridiculous thought because had anything happened to him I would have been broken.

Oddly we had some family photos when he was about 12 months old and when I look at those photos I can see that I loved him but I didn't recognise it at the time.

I now have three children and I love them all very deeply but in three very different ways.

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Anon Imperfect Mum

Maybe an unpopular opinion but I do believe we have “favourites”. More so I say because we connect with each of our children in a different way. It may not look like it from the outside but I know I didn’t bond with my 1st child like I did with my 2nd and 3rd.
Between my husband and I, we get along with our kids in different ways. All of my kids are boys, 6, 3 and 4 weeks old. It’s obvious to us but not to any other family or friends.
He favours our first.
I favour our second.
And we both equally favour our third at this point.
The love is still there and we would absolutely do anything for them, but we “speak the same language” as the ones we’re closest too 🤷‍♀️

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Anon Imperfect Mum

I think you have a different love for them because they have different personalities and they need different things from you

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Anon Imperfect Mum

This exact thing happened to me. I honestly think it’s an anxiety disorder and not as real as you u think.
Believe it or not you actually do love them the same you just don’t know it. Love grows, and you’ve had extra time with your eldest and gotten to know them. Dont think about it too much just carry on as you are, loving them both and making sure your not overcompensating too much on your second as it can lead to jealousy from the oldest child (also happened to me)

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Anon Imperfect Mum

I think this is completely normal I have 2 kids I don’t love my daughter any less than my son but it’s definitely a different love.
I don’t think anyone can really explain it I just put it down to he was my first he made me a mum changed my entire world and made me the happiest I’d ever been my daughter is beautiful and like you said I love her more than life itself but it’s very different we experience different things with our kids they are both very different and in turn love them very different. Don’t be hard on yourself as long as you love them it doesn’t matter how!!

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