I'm a full time mum to a 4.5 year old. She's never met her dad.
Her dad was a narcissist, almost a psychopath his mother hinted things about it. He had no feelings what so ever for anything. Hence why he doesn't care he has a daughter. He was mean to the animals bullied people left right and centre at work.
So my daughter she is ADHD/ASD. I 100% sure she is ODD. She never does what I ask. Always manipulates plays me and people against each other. I've seen her go up to our dogs and pull their hair and run off.
When she plays with her toys she plays so meanly and awful. Always angry.
I've seen her grab a childs painting at day care and rip it up and throw it over he shoulder and run off while he was standing there crying
Today I bought her a new dressing gown I got the size up so it came down longer. I told her to not go out side in it or on the bike. She did both and the dressing gown got caught under it and ripped. I was up set got her off the bike and she just smiled like she was pleased she had up set me . I told her we will have to bin it now and she didn't even care just "okay go on".
I don't feel connected with her. I'm over it. Shes never nice to me and I'm always angry at her now.
What do I do? Is she like her father. Is there some way I can find out if she is like him?
15 Replies
I do think 4 year olds are capable of thinking of others feelings but I also think it's normal if they don't. For some kids it takes time. Focus on feelings whenever you can and always get her to remember a time she might have felt the same as the person or animal she has hurt. "Oh the poor dog! Remember when Jack pulled your hair at daycare? You didn't like that, did you? It really hurt! Jack was being really mean, wasn't he? How do you think the dog feels now you did that to him, the same as you did?" Fuss over the dog and make a big deal, even discuss a possible vet visit. If she can sit still long enough to watch a movie put on sad kid movies and talk about the characters and how they are feeling.
I think you need to stop labelling, and start building towards happiness.
Enrol in a PPP parenting course, follow the guidelines (They’re awesome) and start building the foundations.
Wowza. I think your approach is all wrong. 4yo's are actual arseholes, especially if your approach is wrong. Read some gentle parenting books or do some courses. Or even youtibe has some helpful parenting videos.
And start tackling her behaviour. She's probably NOTHING like her father but it's a fear you've instilled in yourself and now that she's going through a trying time, it's heightened.
You're her mum, guide her, set the foundations and be her role model.
Children often play roughly with toys. They often stamp them about and bang then together, it’s perfectly normal behaviour.
I agree make a big fuss of the dog when he gets his hair pulled but also if she tries to cuddle you in the process say that you’re looking after the dog because he got hurt. Encourage gentle hands in all aspects and praise goes a long way. Try not focus on what her dad is and on labels because she’s a different person than him. Focus on the positive not the negative and you should slowly notice a change.
It’s not easy and you’re doing well.
Let’s say for arguments sake, she is a psychopath, whIch I very highly doubt.
Children’s brains are still forming, teach her empathy, do what the others have told you and she won’t become one.
There have been studies that show psychopathy can be treated in kids, this is older kids who have showed real signs, not what you’re talking about and they have been successful.
I never suspected my child of psychopathy but I always made a big deal when they hurt someone or if someone got hurt to teach empathy, it’s so important. Everything is exaggerated when you teach little kids, make it a really big deal.
I’m sure she’s just being a four year old, but to make you feel better, it is in your hands, you can teacher her the right way.
Studies have also shown psychopaths that grow up in loving nurturing homes end up being the brave, fearless firefighters, aerial ski champions etc not murders.
It’s a complex thing but if this is eating you up inside and you look at everything she does and compare it to a psychopath, the best thing you can do is see a child psychologist so they can tell you what is normal. Four year old behaviour is very entitled and selfish, it’s all about them at this time and it’s up to us to teach them through each developmental stage.
I also feel this psychopath thing could stop you forming a loving bond with her, I think a professional could help with that and ease your mind. I’m sure most people who have a child with a psychopath have had these thoughts and worries, I’m sure what you are feeling is normal under the circumstances. See a professional. Good luck......
Kids can also be extremely manipulative.....without being psychopaths.
Also,, just to add my experience ( different poster here) studies show that psychopath children 'can absolutely' be murderers when still raised in a loving well adjusted home. I should know as I bore a psychopath child , a son, who is now an adult who murdered animals and has attempted murder on humans. He was always the odd one out and his siblings were raised the same as him in a caring, loving Christian home and have all grown up well adjusted , respectful, hard working adults. All, except him. Psychopaths and are born with a few wires loose. Its almost, always, no fault of the rearing kind.
Almost .
I’m so sorry to hear your story, I imagine sadly, you’re an expert on the subject.
Big hugs.
I don't mean this in a patronising way but do you have an adequate understanding of typical child development? Do you have adequate understanding about your daughter's diagnosises?
Typical 4 year olds can be impulsive and non compliant at the best of times, your daughter having the additional challenges of ADHD and ASD would certainly be heightening those issues.
As an example, a neuro typical child might see a dog and think "I really want to pull his tail but I probably shouldn't because I might get in trouble or I might hurt him".
A child with behavioural disorders who struggles to control their impulses might be completely overwhelmed by the urge to pull the dogs tail with thoughts like "go pull his tail, go on, do it now, DO IT".
Is she getting any therapies and treatments? If not, I'd definitely be looking into that because early intervention is so beneficial!
I wonder what you do in terms of discipline though?
When you saw her pull the dog's fur, what did you do?
When you saw her rip up the daycare child's picture, how did you deal with that?
The dressing gown incident, aside from telling her that it now needed to be thrown out, did you give her any real consequences for her disobedience?
I also think you need to throw this psychopath idea away, it sounds as if her dad had his fair share of struggles too that he probably never got the proper support/treatment for. I also think that perhaps your relationship with him has had a lasting effect on you which is probably now hindering your relationship with your daughter, so some counselling and therapy for yourself would be a good idea too!
I think you need professional assistance. Definitely those examples are red flags for ODD but they won’t diagnose it until much older. Look into behavioural therapists.
The term psychopath isn't a clinical one. It is layman's terms for antisocial personality disorder which can only be diagnosed in adults, by a specialist who has worked with the person long term. Although it can't be diagnosed until adulthood, some traits can be present by around 15. Your daughter is 4. Get the thought out of your mind or it will impact on her environment and self perception.
I thought psychopath is very much a clinical term, a part of cluster b personality disorders.
Psychopath, sociopath, narcissist and I think even borderline personality fits into that cluster?
There is a very real list of symptoms and psyches definitely diagnose it.
I’m not sure where you got that from?!?!
Maybe contact a child psycologist. There are many things behaviours like this could be... it could also be that yiur 4.5 years is at the arsehole stage. I've been here 2 times now and if it just a stage, it will pass.
The rough play and lack of empathy could be a sign if autism however yiur child may just be anxious and not sure how to handle this feeling so acts out in otherwise. A developmental assesment could be a starting point.
Maybe contact a child psycologist. There are many things behaviours like this could be... it could also be that yiur 4.5 years is at the arsehole stage. I've been here 2 times now and if it just a stage, it will pass.
The rough play and lack of empathy could be a sign if autism however yiur child may just be anxious and not sure how to handle this feeling so acts out in otherwise. A developmental assesment could be a starting point.
I really struggled reading this. The connection between mother and daughter is not there. The natural mother instinct is in fight mode. No diagnosis or label is going to change these dynamics. Take a step back and start seeing from a view as if you are a helicopter looking in. Look at the landscape of this relationship. Go back to the basics and rebuild a connection. Find what makes your daughter tick, find her strengths, allow her to be herself. Read books together, play ball games together, do puzzles together. Find your connection and enjoy the wonderful joys that children bring to your life.