I don’t know what I’m writing and I don’t know why I’m writing. I’m just lost. I’m just so unmotivated to do anything. I get irritated if my kids ask for a snack or help. I feel as though I shouldn’t be a parent. They deserve so much better then me. My fuse is so short. I snap so quickly if they don’t listen and I yell and say horrible things to them. I don’t want them to be fucked up like I am but they probably will be because of me. I can’t help it. I try and be better but I just can’t. It’s so exhausting. I have no help or support. My husband works heaps and his fuse is as short as mine so I feel like our kids are just doomed. The kids grandparents treat them like an option and visit once a month even though they live very close. They visit their other grandkids a few times a week. My kids just deserve better all round. I just feel like I’m failing miserably at being the best I can be.
My babies are my world and I can’t imagine life without them I just don’t know who I am anymore or how to fix me.
Lost
Lost
Posted in:
Parenthood Guilt
5 Replies
Have you spoken to your GP? Sounds like time for some help from a psychologist.
I could have written this. Exactly. Word for word. A few weeks ago I literally broke down.
I realised I'd been taking on everything myself and not making time for me. I was stuck inside four walls everyday with no purpose except doing things for everyone else. When I needed help, I only got unsupportive answers from family. No help. Everyone beating me down with comments on how they're so glad their kids are older now & they're free, so my life is crap for having dependent children. Everywhere I turned I was absorbing negative information, being made to feel useless because I'm currently an SAHM. No positive comments for giving up my career to care for a disabled child. You eventually begin to believe it.
I also wasn't getting enough sleep or exercise. I was even finding excuses why I couldn't go for a walk early on a Sunday morning - I felt it wasn't fair to my non-morning person DH who worked long hours, to get up & deal with the kids' breakfast.
I'm improving now. I'm taking that walk - DH is happy to sort kids out. It's small, but I have something to look forward to. I'm worrying less about if there's washing to do or crumbs on the floor and playing with the kids. I'd almost missed realising how much affection they give me! Once school/kindy is back I'm going to study something small & undemanding to improve my skills & get out more by using cheap/free council run exercise classes. I'm stopping the 'but I don't have time' and 'X needs' and 'the washing' and putting myself first occasionally. You need to do this to remind yourself, and your family, you're worth it.
You sound exhausted and burned out. I think a conversation with your hubby to try to carve out some time for you each to relax and reenergise so that you can feel better. That could be going for a walk, spending an hour in the bath with a book, watching a movie, doing a craft, etc. Anything that fills your metaphorical cup. Perhaps a chat with your GP too. It could just be being exhausted, but make sure your iron levels etc. are good.
Just know also that you're not alone and you're not a terrible mother. We all have times where it's too much. Last night I had a huge meltdown after a huge week at work, as well as looking after the housework. Hubby did lots yesterday as he was home with our daughter but I got home and there was a bunch of stuff that still needed doing. All I wanted to do was wipe down the kitchen after loading the dishwasher, take out the bins and finish folding the washing so that I could finally sit and decompress from the day. Hubby was making beds after stripping them all and washing sheets. The thing that tipped me over the edge was my daughter asking me to come up and get a tiny bug that had flown into the bathroom and landed in the bath. She was yelling for me so I stopped what I was doing and went up to see what the issue was. When I saw the tiny bug I told her to scoop it out and stop being so dramatic (she's nearly 9) and went back to cleaning the kitchen. She kept yelling for me to get it out and I just lost it, yelled at her to "shut the f**k up and f**king deal with it herself" and then cried my eyes out as I collapsed on the floor. I was just done. It wasn't her issue with the bug that was the problem. It was the build up from everything throughout the day, and the past week. I felt stretched too thin and I snapped. I felt awful for having yelled and cursed at her, and I apologised, of course.
You aren’t lost, you are exhausted. Parenting is exhausting, having no help is exhausting. I know because I am that person also. I am worn out, tired, mentally exhausted and drained. It gets better as the kids get older. Speak to your husband and explain it to him. Speak to the in-laws and ask them if they could have the kids one night during the week for you and your husband. Try to involve them and make them feel like it’s ok to be involved. Sometimes especially if it’s not your parents,they take a step back. Tell them you are exhausted and the kids just need some time out with people who aren’t so stressed out & enjoy their company. Tell your kids why you are like this. I tell mine all the time that I don’t mean it but I exhausted and a bit down because I don’t have anyone around and I get so lonely and sad and don’t mean to take it out on them. I make sure they know, it’s not them. It’s like pressures and no time out.
Sounds very much like depression, it sneaks up on you and before you know it you feel hopeless and lost. Please go to the doc and do the mental health questionnaire. You may just need some meds for a while and/or counselling to get back on track and change some patterns that have become habits. You’ve got nothing to lose and owe it to yourself and kids to try something different. Hugs x