Hi i have been in a relationship with my partner for just over 3 years. We have a 1 year old son and I'm pregnant. He has a 10 year old daugter and a 9 year old daughter to one one then has a 6 year old daughter to another woman. The older two have been raised how i would like to raise my children. With respect, bed time, to eat at dinning table, be nice and share. To eat breakfast, lunch and tea not just chunk food all the time.. The six year old is allowed to do what she wants, eat what she wants and go to bed when she wants. My partner his it in his head i hate his six year and treat her different to all other kids. Or I'm jealous of her or her mother. I treat her the same but she is naughty doesnt listen to the rules just sooks to get her own way. I have trued being nice and explaining things to her. I have tried keeping my mouth shut, just let her dad deal with her behaviour. She goes into my sons room touches his special items and moves them to where he can reach, even though she has been asked multiple times not to touch them. Gets on his toys she is to big for been aske multiple times not to. Jumps on beds and couches. She is coming between our relationship to the point i just dont want to be around when she is. Any advice?
Advice on how to treat step daughter
Advice on how to treat step daughter
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage, Mental Health, Behaviour, Kids
26 Replies
Oh god đŤ I just canât! Wait til your son is 6.. is all I will say.
Not all 6 years olds are little shits
I would hardly say the above behaviour is a âlittle shitâ. Harsh!
But her perfect idealistic view on parenting proves her arrogance! I wonder what her real problem is.
And three years in we have 1 year old and another baby on the way... Do people go into these situations with eyes closed or... what. So ridiculous! Maybe if youâd spent a little more time getting to know the existing children..
A 6 year old that is using her little brothers stuff is likely attention seeking maybe she doesnât get enough. Oh whinge she puts things down after being asked not to. You just described every child ever! At six she doesnât understand the implications. Explain it to her patiently and repeatedly.
You can not compare a 6 year old though to kids that are older as they have matured!
Iâve had 5 x 6 year olds over the years. They didnât act like that. Donât shame the step mum.
The biggest problem here seems to be that you're not on the same page in terms of parenting.
He's okay with the 'letting her do what she wants' approach, you (and anyone with a modicum of common sense) prefer an approach with boundaries and expect a certain standard of behaviour from everyone.
6 year olds are challenging, a lot of her behaviour does seem typical for the age group but it still needs to be corrected or addressed.
A 9 and 10 year old are going to behave differently to a 6 year old.
You are going to have to accept some breakages or your going to have to lock somethings away, or someone is going to have to play and entertain the 6 year old more.
Bored kids will look for things to do. It sounds like she might be quite alone stuck in the middle, with two older siblings from a different mother who are very close in age and a very much younger sibling.
Plus baby toys are incredibly enticing, itâs how they were built and designed, to attract children. So you are asking her to suppress an impulse to be a child. Iâve watched 5 and 6 year olds gravitate to baby toys on mass!
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Does she have her own toys to play with?
I think you need to take a step back a bit, she has probably got all kinds of things going through her head. She's no longer Dad's baby, she's no longer getting the attention she likely got from her Dad and older sisters, her new brother has all this cool stuff which she probably doesnt have and now she also has to deal with this new woman bossing her around like she's her Mum or something! Not having a go but I'm trying to see this from a 6 year olds view.
Dad needs to take the reigns, you need to step back. Get her some stuff that is just hers and try and continuously wipe the slate clean with her, don't hold grudges for something she did 2 hours ago. Try and spend some time with her, get to know her. The effort you put into your relationship with her now will help in the future.
The dad needs to set boundaries and set a bedtime for her to give structure. However please remember that children at 6 are still quite impulse driven. Theyâre nothing like older children.
Personally I donât think thereâs naughty children, thereâs behaviour that isnât liked but the child isnât that behaviour.
Maybe do a parenting course!
Learn about child development.
Most importantly be consistent!
Take ownership of what has happened in this childâs short life. Be aware of the applications of a young child who may not feel settled in your home. Learn how to make her feel settled and at home.
Has she got a room with special belongings? Or she a visitor in your home with no specific things or space.
Yes she has all that always has. I have been round children all my life. Done child care. I have helped raise my two neices. My partners older two had these rules he inforced them when he had older two. Hadnt seen older two for 8 months because they were sick of being yreated differently to younger sister. That has been the same the whole time o have been in the picture. I feel o have been stuck in the middle. From original poster
So why does he treat his third differently?
He has said he had a better bond with her. I understand it would be hard for yougest sister as she is an only child on her mum's side. But i have my own child we are trying to teach and have routine for. I dont want him hating us because we want structure for him
But you had your child knowing how he raises the youngest child. So you knew the deal, You know his parenting style.
Iâm not saying his parenting style is correct, it sounds like he has some work to do. But you knew what it was and knew it wouldnât match the way you wanted your children.
People donât just magically change a parenting style because a new partner is on the scene. He likes the way he is raiding his child so the chances of him being motivated to change that is pretty low.
So youâve got to come to a place of acceptance, because you accepted this before having kids, by having kids. So now he thinks you are picking on his child.
You need to be prepared to make some big compromises and when joining a family you have to come to a place of acceptance that you are co-parenting with people who may not follow your parenting ethos and you have to be ok with your child having some influences that you donât agree with.
Thatâs what being in a blended family is like.
I get that im from the same situation with my family. He tells me to teach her so i try. I try to explain things to her so she understands. Weight wise to big to be on toys wheels could break. Your brorhers star trophy isint a toy. The edges on it could hurt you or your brother that is why they are out of reach. If you have to climb to get then its not for you to play with it and about safety but it seems to go in one ear out the other. I leave the room come back in 5 shes doing it again. I dont know what else to try as her dad is happy to discipline our one year old and older 2.
Have you told her what she can play with and see, have you said to her, letâs go play a game together.
Have you hidden the trophy?
Does she have her own ride on toys, a trampoline?
Do people play with her?
You canât expect her to react the way you want her to, when she has no experience of her bio parents parenting her (according to her). Even then some kids take longer, have different personalities and learning styles.
Oh gosh....
firstly ignore the step mum haters. Trolls!
Secondly I feel for you. Thatâs really hard when youâve got one child continually upsetting the apple cart for what ever reason. Youâve been with him for 3+ years so youâve experienced the older girls at the same age and know what is reasonable.
The biggest problem you have is that you and your partner are in different pages about how to raise her. Thatâs what you need to sit down and address. Until you do thereâs going to be resentment building until you have an explosion.
It might be helpful to go to family relationships Australia or a similar organisation as a couple to help you sort through the issues and come up with strategies to suit your blended family.
Ignore the haters. Youâre a good mum trying to get help. Take care
Bloody hell to the ones saying 'you should do this and you should try that'.
That's not her child ! The father is. He's the one who should be disciplining, teaching etc .
I totally agree, that dad is the problem here. My experience tells me though getting dad to change when the child is 6 is unlikely.
To me it sounds nothing like he is closer to this child, just lazy.
But I felt I should give the OP some tools to cope with this situation.
I personally think Dad is an asshole in this entire scenario.
On another note, you have a guy here with three kids to two women and youâve been together a short three years and have had almost two kids to him. So for him, thatâs 5 kids to three women. Didnât you want to wait and see before adding to the brood? Didnât you want to see why this guy has been unsuccessful in the past? I donât want to judge, but his track record isnât the best. Donât you worry youâll be the next baby mumma In the mix? So he has a 9 and 10 year old, then a six year old, youâve been together three years, this seems to be the time where it falls apart for him. Wasnât there any red flags that you should take it slow? If youâve been together three years, have a one year old, that means you got pregnant to him only after about 18 months, youâre a much braver woman than I.
I know the 6 years old mum she cheated on him. And other mum moved on quickly and could of been cheating as well . He can be a good guy and great dad. Just hard when I've only actually been a mum for a year. For 3 years his older two have said im there step mum. It means alot. Im just in a hard situation trying to keep my family together no matter how blended it is
Also, Im always wary of blokes that have kids with every woman theyâre with.
Good luck, thatâs a lot of baggage to take on and to add to it so quickly.
You can't just keep telling a kid what not to do. You have to tell them what they can do. Interesting, exciting things. Things they choose. Things you're involved in too, positively reinforcing her. It does sound like you don't like her.
I am so sorry. I really feel the predicament you're in.
Three children (and their significant adults) share your values.
And then there's a forth child, whose other household and parent does not share your values. That's really tough.
You then have that child, one child that doesn't "fit in" and that exacerbates the problem for her and for you.
Her dad really needs to get onboard... It's your (as in yours and dad's) house, your rules. And these need to be followed. A child follows rules at school (i am assuming she doesn't climb on the furniture at school) and can do the same at your place. Dad needs to step up and support you, and this also supports the child by ensuring good choices and behaviour.
You could try red choices and green choices and consequences...
"What you're doing right now (jumping in the couch) is a red choice. You can make a green choice and stop.
Green choices =dessert, movies, dates etc.
Red choices =you miss out.
Then she is directly responsible for her own behaviour.
The other children fit in because they understand and follow the rules.
Unfortunately, there is another parent, that with or without knowing it, is undermining your values by parenting differently.
Sorry if this is long, but I struggle similarly... And found making the child responsible for their choices of behaviour took the onus off me.
Dad definitely needs to step up! It might be worth dad talking to the childâs teacher to see what the childâs behaviour is like at school. If she can follow the rules at school, then she can follow the rules at home. If there is the potential that the child has an undiagnosed condition, the teacher will be able to assist with the steps needed to obtain a diagnosis. If there are no underlying issues, the teacher will also be able to pick up on the lack of rules and boundaries at home. My boys are both teenagers now, but 10 years ago when they only went to their father every second weekend, daycare always knew when my youngest had been with dad. I would walk in on Monday afternoons and one of his educators would look at me, and say âheâs been with dad at the weekend, hasnât he?â
This step mum really needs to get dad on board, and enforcing rules and boundaries now. It will only get worse as she gets older, when puberty hits and she enters the teen years.