My partner and I have been doing long distance for almost a year now, having known each other for some time before we started dating. It has always been long distance, but we are looking to change that soon (emploment permitting) (edit to add that by soon I meant 6 months or so away, not right this moment). My children have met him but there are long breaks between visits. Each time he has visited he has stayed with us for atleast a week. (Except the first 2 times where they were with their dad and just met him at a park). They have spoken to him on facetime or on the phone many many times. They all like him and he is very patient and kind any time he interacts with them, and shows genuine interest in their interests and lives. He once sat and payed full attention through 45 minutes of my 7 year old taking him about velocoraptors and when that was finished asked if there were other dinosaurs that Mr7 finds that interesting <3
There are factors that mean if we close the distance he would have to move in with me and not his own place locally. I worry that change will be far too much too fast for my children. 2 of my children are autistic and change is always hard, and this is a big one. We have been speaking about it casually for a little while so they're aware it is a future plan, but I still worry about how we will navigate it when it actually happens.
My ex husband and I get on very well. It's not perfect but I think we rock this coparenting thing. My ex is supportive of my new partner moving in with me and has expressed that he is happy for us, but he is also wanting to be cautious about the kids reactions.
The three of us would like to work together to hopefully have the best possible outcome. My ex-husband suggested that when I officially tell the kids that my partner is moving here that he can be there too, and show is support but also be an extra bit of love there for the kids if they need it in that moment. My partner has said he would not want to be there as he doesn't want the kids to feel like they have to hold back or try not to offend him with any reactions that may happen. Which I am thankful for, as I feel the same.
How else can we help support them emotionally and prepare them for such a big change? What should we do and what shouldn't we do? Any advice or personal experiences would be helpful.
5 Replies
Is it possible for him to take a short term rental for a few months and ease into moving in? Visiting for a week or so and moving in permanently are two different situations. Start with a couple of nights a week, the every two or three weeks increase a night until he’s there every night. Also move his belongings in slowly as well, so it’s not a huge change all at once.
Don’t move him in!!
Special needs kids, new long distance guy who you’ve basically had a few holidays with.
You don’t know his patience levels, he’s never done the day to day, tired, home from work, squabbling kids.
As for your relationship, it also hasn’t done the day to day either.
You need a good foundation, face time, phone chatting, none of it is real life.
Don’t let him move in for convenience, it’s all for the wrong reasons.
What are the factors? If he can’t support himself, he shouldn’t be moving.
Plus he’s living in a new town.
Let him establish himself independently where you live, get his own rental, job, get established before transitioning to being a family.
This is a really bad idea, if you rush it, it will not end well.
If you want this to have a chance and give it a really good go, give it a year of him slowly getting to know the kids and even you.
Dating, having fun, enjoying the getting to know you phase.
Don’t go straight to married life, it will be a disaster for all involved.
Get the rose coloured glasses off, be pragmatic, you have kids who rely on your judgement.
Dont do it. If he can't support himself there for a few months, you will also feel that he doesn't have anywhere to go if you want to take a break, a breather or separate. Dont take him on like that just to save some money, it's a terrible way to start a relationship. And you already know it's not right for the kids. Because it's not right. It's forced due to situation. There are other options.
Don’t make a big deal if it, tell them he is coming to stay for a week and once he is there ask them if they would love it if he came to live with you all, get their reactions and see how they feel.then slowly he can move in and they will be prepared for it. I’m sure they would love it.