I think my step son (4.5yo) has ADHD or somthing along those lines... hubby wont listen and refuses to take him to see someone because he believes ADHD is just "bad parenting" and "doesnt need some quack to put a lable on him" and im not exactly on speaking terms with the mother. He used to live with his mum full time but recently is now with us because "he just became too much to handle".
I have 4 other children... some older and some younger and by far from "perfect"... but none act or have ever acted this way (not above normal anyways) so im a little confused and concerned.... here are some of the odd behaviours...
*Repetitive questions...asks the same question 10-20 times a day even after the same answer has been given from myself or dad.
*Asks questions he knows answer too
*talks ALOT.... if no one listens he will talk/say it to himself... or if told to hang on for a second if someone is already talking he will whisper it to us... its as if he HAS to say it whether someone is listening or not.
*Easily distracted
*always "buzzing" and gets bored of games and activities pretty quick
*Very possessive over his dad.. refuses for him to pay attention to any of the other kids.. other wise he cracks it.
*Nail picking/biting to point of bleeding
*Attention for good or bad behavior (i.e will 'brag' to dad when he gets home if hes been naughty)
*Struggles with simple direction (cannot ask him to do more than one thing at once and will often get distracted along the way and forget what he is supposed to be doing somthing)
*Gets reactions from siblings (will annoy them to get a reaction out of them, I.e put his foot on them and refuse to move it or run off with a toy they are playing with)
*Possession obsession, everything is specifically someones (mostly his) and no one else cant touch it.
*Attitude/back chat when told to do something
*Puts everything in his mouth, i.e picks up left over food at parks.
*Destructive at times
*Struggles understanding what hes done wrong or why he did somthing (will ask him why he was sent to his room or put in the naughty corner but he cannot tell me what he did wrong, will just start rambling on about nothing to do with the reason he was sent there, I.e will talk about what games he played yesterday or the colour of birds)
*impossible to punish... wont react... tried all types of punishments (smacks, time out, sent to room, taking away toys) 90% of the time there is no emotion for getting told off just a blank face.
*Excessive laugh loud and high pitched
*Makes Odd noises
He starts school next year and i truely believe if we dont do something soon he will be forgotton about in the education system and this will only just get worse.
Help... . What should i do?
Do i just stay out of it and let things run its course and hopefully wait for the teachers to have their say next year?
Or do i push further with the hubby? (He's EXTREMELY stubborn)
I refuse to take him to a pediatrician behind hubby back.
22 Replies
I can already see how the responses are going to be for those post. đ¤Śââď¸ Get ready to be made to feel like shit and less than as a parent. Also this will probably all be your fault or you will be told to make this child the centre of attention and you and your kids needs to back off. You are a step mum, you will get no help here
Yep, dad needs to step up and itâs not OK to leave this in step mums hands!
ADHD sounds unlikely. ASD sounds closer.
Can you really be with some who thinks known disabilities and disorders are due to bad parenting?
You need to push harder. Hopefully school will speak up too. You also need to make sure Dad is actively parenting, itâs easier to ignore things when you are leaving the heavy lifting to step parent.
As a parent of a child with a diagnosis or two, itâs not acceptable that he is ignoring that his child needs extra support, wether thatâs because the child needs trauma support, psych, OT, speech and language therapy or whatever.
Many if not all seem pretty normal and age appropriate! Maybe a little immature but I wouldnât jump straight to ADHD.
I would spend time on his emotional health. Is he feeling abandoned..
I would also evaluate your own patience towards this behaviours maybe a little skewed as you have 4 of your own children. Thatâs a lot on your plate!
Dad probably thinks the child will grow out of but i , personally, wouldn't be with a man who didn't give a shit about his own kid. I wouldnt want want the disruption affecting my own kids as it would simply be too much for me, and as a step mum there's nothing you can enforce, so there's really no other options if he isn't onboard with your concerns.
One thing I learnt on our journey to get our DS diagnosed with ASD is that a list of behaviours can't diagnose as kids are all different. It could be ADHD, ODD, ASD, or a combination (multiple diagnoses are common). You already recognise that there is something that needs help. A peadeatrician is needed to decode it.
The education system can't do much. Teachers will not have an effect on your husband if you don't. They won't flag it anyway.
Unfortunately, parents need to be ready in themselves for the diagnosis & you can't force it on them. I can only suggest you try to remove the stigmas surrounding special needs & make getting his child help a positive thing rather than a negative 'label'.
You're fantastic for being so concerned. Ignore the poor parenting stuff you'll come across. I still cop it & DS is better behaved than most kids!
I reckon he sounds like ASD/ADHD. I have these and I was just like that as a kid.
Personally, Iâd recommend a GP appointment for âschool readinessâ theyâll ask you questions like this, and gives you a chance to Input any questions.
Itâs usually standard for NSW schools. I had to do it, and No concerns with my sonâs behaviour
Iâm going to ignore that you are step mum. You are custodial parent so itâs kind of irrelevant.
I agree with other comments. Sounds way more like ASD to me. You are going to have to be brave and advocate on the childâs behalf even if the dad sticks his stupid head in the sand. Sadly I see this regularly when one parent does not want to acknowledge their childâs struggles. Take the list you have compiled here and go to the GP. I promise you if itâs not picked up prior to school it will be by mid year kindy (if not before).
Will she actually be allowed to do this as a parent who isn't legal? Not being funny here, but if she has to sign for anything, im not so sure she would be allowed to, it could come back and bite her later if either of the childs parents have an issue with it .
If he is listed on their joint Medicare card she can absolutely take him to the GP.
most likely it will come back to bite and thatâs why I said she will need to be brave but rest assured she is acting in the childâs best interests
Sounds like this poor kid has two lacking bio parents and youâre the only one looking out for him.
You would think bio mum, rather than shipping her kid off, would look for answers.
You have enough kids to know whatâs in the normal range.
Maybe very well be due to neglectful parenting, or could be a diagnosis, but youâll never know until itâs investigated.
You have two options, advocate for the child strongly enough to get him help or say stuff it, dadâs an idiot and walk away from the whole mess.
Good luck lovely, with whichever road you go down.
Would be hard to respect your partner, moving forward.
Or 3. Get him into kindy or prep and get them onto pushing dad towards whatever path the kid needs.
Yeah true, there is always that option.
I also deeply respect the fact that the majority of this post is about the childâs behaviour, despite the mother being clearly lacking.
You had reason to rant about bio mum but chose not to.
Step mums on here making a big deal of such little, trivial things and here you are, with reason to be pissed and itâs all about the child.
You, my friend, are an amazing woman â¤ď¸
He sounds just like me.
Itâs NOT bad parenting.
I am an adult with ADHD and Aspergerâs syndrome. I was almost identical to that list as a child. Most of it still describes me well.
Itâs not the parents fault if a child is neurodivergent and itâs not caused by parenting. It just is what it is.
Sheâs not saying itâs anyoneâs fault. Sheâs saying his father doesnt recognise the child struggles. Parents sometimes feel a sense of shame or embarrassment or even failure around diagnosis and will avoid it. The important thing is to get the diagnosis which will lead to support for the child and the family.
Well done for taking the time to try and address the behaviours you are seeing. It sounds like the child has gone through some sort of trauma in his life which has issues of its own, however, trauma mimics symptoms/signs of ADHD/ASD. Dealing with some mother issues may be the first place to start and see if there is any difference. If hubby isn't on board, next time you're at the GP you could mention your concerns and see what they say. Labelling a child isn't helpful, but getting a label to enable you to help the child is. As a step mother (full-time) of a child who had trauma issues and has been diagnosed ADHD/ASD/ODD, the best thing we ever did was advocate for the child. The support available when you actually know what you're dealing with is great and completely necessary to ensure your relationship lasts and the child is able to develop and happily participate in life. You could also speak to a kindy teacher and see their thoughts on the behaviours they see and experience.
To be diagnosed with ADHD it is a questionnaire that both parents will fill out, and normally the school. This is then analysed and the Dr will give medication.
To be honest it all sounds very normal for a kid who has recently changed homes and is feeling very insecure in their body. I would be chat to the GP and ask for a referral to a childhood therapist who can help work through how the child is feeling. They will also be able to administer the ADHD check.
I have been teaching for 15 years in special ed, and this is a very generalistic statement, but how your husband is feeling is VERY normal. No one wants there to be something different with their child. He may have a lot of resentment with his ex and blames her parenting for the 'bad' behaviour - also VERY normal.
You can always go and chat to a GP by yourself, explain what is happening - without the child there- and they can advise you on the next step.
It sounds like ASD possibly even Aspergers- itâs all under the same umbrella now.
Specifically the lack of empathy.
Is he attending preschool? A preschool will pick up on these behaviours and sometimes itâs best coming from another person. Your husband sounds like heâs in denial, this is common for fathers in my experience. An occupational therapist wonât be able to give a clear diagnosis but he should really be assessed and start therapy as soon as possible đĽ. To start the ball rolling youâd be best seeing a paediatrician or GP to get a referral to your local hospital- the waiting list for assessments are huge though đĽ
I personally think Oppositional Defiant Disorder which has a high co-occurrence with attention deficit hyperactive disorder.
Good on you for being a kind step mum and caring for your child.
Have the kinder flagged anything? Maybe you could talk to them and see what they say. It might be better coming from them. They can refer him for assessment.
Have you considered giving him another year of 4 year old kinder? Again talk to his kinder and see what the teachers say. I gave my daughter a second year at kinder, yes she is older than some of the kids (turns 7 in September) but it was the best decision we could have made for her. She had a speech delay that affected her confidence. An extra year at kinder let her catch up on speech and confidence. She is THRIVING in prep this year. She is ready to learn and is much more resilient and all round ready than if we had of sent her the previous year when she was âmeantâ to go. You will have to get a school exemption from the government but itâs easy enough, especially will support from the kinder.
I would absolutely start with the kinder teachers and go from there.
Good luck mumma