So I’m angry and I needed to vent and get any advice please. My ex left me about 4-5 years ago now and I’ve been the sole parent of our son since. I moved and he was paying child support, calling and visiting ect.
Well before COVID he lost his job ( which I found out was because of his behaviour), and then become sick so I was understanding and allowed him to not pay whilst he got back on his feet. Since then nothing! Like nothing at all! I have to chase him to call his son! Like contact random people to try pass on the message to call! And no child support payments.
Then I lost it! I text and called him every name under the sun as I was and still am angry at how selfish he can be! I sacrifice And give me all and all I ask is he picks up the phone!
So he response and we call each other names and he then tells me his moved into a place with his new ( unemployed) partner, and he has a business to start in 2 weeks! Wtf!! So you can party and socialise and find a new partner, you can start a business but lie to me and not talk to your kid or pay to help him!!
So sorry long post, I then said I’m done! I am, I want to cry and scream! I told him I want nothing to do with him at all and that it’s not faor on his child and I don’t want his kid to do anything with him anymore ( child has given up on own dad too). What can I do? He has basically abonded his own child so can I legally apply to have him removed from his custody and rights denied? ( I know it’s harsh and yes I’m angry but honestly it’s been years and years and he just hurts me and my son with his lies. How can you find a partner and start a business but not pick up a phone to say hello?, not want to help pay school fees or be part of his life)
What can I do? I don’t even want child support from him anymore I just want to live life without him.
7 Replies
Please keep your child out of any beef you have with your ex.
I do know what you are going through, trust me, my ex picks his kids up once a year or two to take them to a funeral for a few hours so he looks good in front of the rellies because otherwise they would all ask where his kids are and how they are going and he wouldn't be able to answer. And he can't make himself look bad. But still, I keep my mouth shut, I let them go. One day they will work it out for themselves and they will know it was never me that kept their Dad from seeing them, it was all him. If you stop your child seeing his Dad then in years to come this could all come back to bite you and your child could even cut you out if they believe you kept their other parent out of their life.
You will get his tax return when he does it. His partner not having a job is none of your business and didn’t need to be mentioned. Him starting a business is a good thing for your child in the long run.
You sound very angry. But you can’t put your child in the middle of your temper tantrum. No you cannot make him give up his rights 😂 he still does and always will have just as much right as you do to your child. Because it’s in your child best interest. You need to grow up and not lash out and send abusive messages when life doesn’t go to plan.
Stop contacting him! If he wants contact with his son let him do it. If your son wants to contact his father, allow it. Your son will eventually work out for himself who was there for him and who wasn’t. DO NOT BAD MOUTH HIM TO YOUR SON! No matter how angry you are feeling, your son does not need to hear it. Make sure he is not nearby if you are venting to someone. Get CSA to collect on your behalf. You are more likely to see the money this way.
You need money to start a business. That's interesting... both "unemployed" yet starting a business.
But honestly, best policy is to allow your child access to his dad. It may not be the way you're use to or like but it's not about you or your ex or his girlfriend.
All you can do is control your actions and how you support your child during this quite stressful period we are all living with.
Take a breath and don't buy into the drama. Stop chasing him, stop the name calling and just be the best role model towards your little guy. He might have his own opinions but how much does that reflect on your frustration? Kids see their parents anger and think "oh, I have to be that way too."
If it directly impacts your child, like if dad promises to call him on his phone but then continues to not do this without open communication, ignores his child's methods of communication, then your child will develop his own views.
Like my own son gets frustrated that he can't go to his friends and says it is annoying because his parents are split up. He says that on his own accord because he knows that his dad is unwilling to have him associate with anyone but over the phone when he's with them. I get it that he views that our sons time should be what he wants... but our son is growing up and almost old enough to say "hey, I have plans dad, so can we catch up next week?" Or "dad, I have to work Saturday, can you drop me off?"
We are at a different period of life skills from you. But the best thing you can do is keep control of how you present your anger and how this projects on your child.
In terms of court, unless you really really have to, try to keep this out of the courts. Sole parental responsibility is very hard to prove in terms of your situation and you have control of the situation anyway.
Take a breath.
Youre angry and you want to 'do' something to get back at him.
Just remember his relqtionship is between him and his kid, and thats what its all about
You dont get to be done. You do get to draw lines in your own communication with him. And I suggest you do that. Just stop communicating. If you want cs, claim it, if not, dont claim it. Contact with the child can not be completely cut off, however a schedule can be formed and expected to be adhered to. You can be inflexible when he doesnt meet it.
Leave the child support in the hands of the child support agency. If you put him on agency collect, they can collect any arrears from three months back from the date you request collection. That way if he stops paying, or gets a good job in the future, they can collect arrears years down the track.
As for the contact, stop chasing him and avoid confrontations, especially when you’re angry. As a magistrate once said to me during one of my ex’s prolonged absences, “we can’t order a reluctant parent to see their child”. In the long term, no contact is better than sporadic, or disruptive visits that are spent with a resentful or belligerent parent. One day his maturity may catch up to his child’s and he may be able to repair that relationship.
In the meantime, focus on yourself and your child, and let the agency collect the child support as Centrelink will reduce your family tax benefit if it’s your choice not to pursue it.
Just to add , I appreciate the feedback. Yes I’ve calmed down now.
Ive never witheld a relationship between him and his child and never will, and never have said bad things in front of him either ( I’m very against bad mouthing a parent). Also I don’t believe there’s any shame ect about his child not being there, that was his choice too and as new partners came and go the bond grows further apart.
I know I added about the new unemployed partner, and that was because it’s a new one every other month and he can support her but no his son. That was annoying me! And the starting a business was the same ( yes he needs money but I’ve been lied too, and supported him and not received any help when he apparently has a job and enough to start a business... I’m sure you can understand that I make sacrifices and believed I was helping him and he had a job all along! Plus enough to start a business and support his partner, I’m sorry but my child is always first before a partner and sorry if you don’t agee. I’m not hung up on him either, Not the relationship. Trust me I’m way over that bridge.
It’s okay I’ve calmed and I’ve accepted that I am the sole provider and carer and that’s great, he will miss out and regret it. I will not cut ties but I won’t chase him to keep them either.
I’ve gone through CSA now and waiting on any payments. Has been no more contact ( I text to apologise but left it at that).
Thanks ladies for your honest feedback and help.