Hey sisterhood. Looking for some guidance, advice and professional mental health/legal guidance support outside of strictly my lawyer.
I’m really truly struggling with the Co parenting relationship my ex husband and I have. I want to be friends and negotiate and communicate but he won’t have a bar of it (not sure if him or girlfriend).
Disclaimer: I left him and we have both moved on. So this is not about anything except the kids.
But I guess there are two parts to this question.
1. Am I in the wrong for expecting he have the children in a block, rather than all over the place? For example Thurs - Monday...rather than every second weekend and then alternate tuesdays. It really affects my children and it takes a good two days for them to readjust. I try to make it clear he can have as many nights as he would like with them, but that is needs to be in a block. I don’t think that he is considering either the children’s emotional well-being or mine. I need to be told if I’m being unreasonable. I just want stability. Up until the last month he hasn’t wanted anymore than every second weekend and refused to complete mediation (at the time I wanted 50/50 custody...I now no longer feel this is in the best interests of the children but he isn’t asking for this either)
2. What sort of mental health support and guidance can be found for healthy relationship and co parenting advice? I find I am so emotional towards the situation, I am very vocal when I am struggling and need help or in regards to any sort of parenting matter. He meets everything with coldness and harsh words and “not my time to be a parent, not my problem” when I ask for extra help. I need to learn to control my sadness towards the situation. I often become so emotional that I can seem unstable. I find it very hard to let go of the promise to be friends and raise our children the way we said we would. I long for a friendship with my kids step mum. I feel so much love for both of them that I end up so angry and frustrated at the version they have painted of me in their head. I feel like I am truly having trouble grieving my expectation of what my children’s lives were going to look like.
P.S I was given a section 60i and have attempted court ordered agreements but haven’t followed through as things just seem to work out. I have placed $ in trust with my lawyer to get the ball rolling but I so desperately just want him to have a face to face convo with me to work this out. We haven’t discussed the children or spoken at all in person since December 2018. His partner gets out of the car at pick up & drop off and he doesn’t get out. It makes me feel sick for my children that they can’t see normal human interaction. I feel like I healed from my marriage breakdown so quickly that I just can’t understand why we can’t all be friends
25 Replies
If you want some professional mental health and legal guidance support outside of your lawyer, this forum is absolutely the wrong place to ask.you will get opinions. But nothing professional. Seriously, don't look here. Go back to your Lawyer.
A psychologist. You cannot control them, you cant control what others think of you, relationships go two ways you cant make it something its not. And trying is hurting you. Get to a psych to help with your thinking about it.
As for him chopping and changing, not unreasonable of you at all. Say no. He gets what he gets when he wouldn't mediate. No changes.
I dont think your being unreasonable however. There is also another couple to consider who maybe can’t manage the block that you seek.
Break ups a tricky.. could you maybe start with an email or letter and express to them how you would like the situation to progress to a point where you can Co parent in a fun and friendly way.
Sometimes, friends just isn’t going to work.
Are you in WA ? Because 60i is complicated and there’s different sorts - so ensure you know what it fully means from your solicitor before proceeding.
Also, log all communications, and just ask “what time do you want the children for ? And why do you not what them in a block! What works for you ?”
Try and settle out of court - it’s cheaper. Even ask your solicitors to communicate if that makes it easier.
As for your mental health - time to seek a professional there too! A councillor is a great way to start - and it can be a great way of releasing your emotions.
So you want him to have them every weekend? No that’s not reasonable. No wonder he has the shits. Every second weekend and an alternative night during the week is good. The children will adjust.
I agree with him, you are a single parent now - learn to parent without him on those days. Co-parenting refers to including each other in big decisions, major issues or communication on where the kids are up to NOT calling to complain the kids won’t eat their dinners.
Their not going to be your “friend” whilst you behave like this. Get some counselling.
No, no where did I say he needed to have the children every weekend
Can also see why I was told not to post here because it’s just opinions. I have never asked him for help because I haven’t coped with motherhood specifically - I have asked him to have sick days to help with the kids so that I don’t have to take them all the time, when I was in hospital for two weeks due to my eating disorder my mum had them because my mental health isn’t his responsibility (no, but his kids are etc). He is rigid and unreasonable. I gave up after the first 6 months of asking for his help before my parents - I always thought I was doing the right thing by offering him time with them while I needed to work, travel for work or spend time in hospital when sick. Shared parental responsibility has to come in somewhere?
Forget him, I rely on my parents for everything, they’re wonderful ❤️
There’s nothing wrong with that, he’s a dickhead, stop wanting something from him that he isn’t willing to give, when you ask, you just give him more power over you.
I’d be seeing a psychologist.
If it’s your time with your kids and you need help or support you need to find supports other than the kids dad. He isn’t your partner anymore (and was probably a shit one when he was) so you need to stop reaching out to him.
You sound like you come on quite strong so I think it’s smart that he keeps his distance for now.
Does he actually want more time with the kids or was he happy with the every second weekend? I don’t think you are being unreasonable in wanting the kids in a block of time but it’s unclear what he is asking for.
He’s not your support person anymore, so don’t contact him when you’re struggling.
Contact a family member or friend.
He clearly only wants every second weekend and a day in the off week, this is a pretty common custody arrangement, you can’t make him parent more than he wants to. As sad as that is, it’s the truth.
I agree, see a professional to help you navigate your way through learning to solo parenting, it’s a tough gig, an adjustment, but you will get there.
When it’s all over, your kids will see who did what for them and when they are amazing adults, you will take pride in all you have done.
I also wouldn’t spend money on court, just maintain the every second weekend and one day on the off week. That will probably be the result anyway.
Every second weekend plus a day through the week is a pretty standard arrangement. You can't force him to have the kids more often than he wants them - that's not good for anyone but especially not the children.
The kids will adjust to this arrangement with time and your support.
Being friends isn't always a realistic goal in terms of co-parenting. It sounds like the best you can aim for at this stage is civility, as long as they're not seeing you guys fight and carry on, they'll be okay.
I'd really recommend you look into seeing a psychologist to help you process your emotions and all this change.
Best of luck
Sounds like she just wants him to add the the day to the weekend he has. By the way he does 2 or 3 days out of 14 so lets remember who the shit parent is here.
And if the odd day during your week doesnt work for you or makes it harder as you get to deal with the unsettled kids on a school night, say no.
A lot of us have been through it, yes most men end up only wanting limited custody.
If you focus on that, your resentment builds.
Yes thats true, get on with parenting and concentrate on your own thing. Just the way some people are talking to this woman. Also, she has the insight and ability to self reflect honestly, and the want to coparent healthily, thats a plus not something to use to attack her.
Yes, you’re right, that’s true.
Yes I posted and I just want him to add the extra day to his existing weekend
Thank you for understanding my side. I run a business and work full time and I also have to be everything my children need 12 days of the week. None of us operate healthily when my 4yo is a wreck
I doubt this has much to do with his GF.
You do understand that just because you've both hooked up with other people that the old hurt from being dumped isn't necessarily dealt with? As the person that did the leaving you had a longer time to process what was happening, it was all by your choice.
I'm not saying that any of it is wrong or right, or anyone's fault. Just that it is probably a bit unreasonable to expect to be great buddies.
I missed that, good point, she left him.
If my ex had of tried to be friends with me after the break up, I would be the same as the husband.
Just because he has a gf, doesn’t make having his family torn apart, hurt less (not blaming op for leaving).
Thanks for the replies ladies. I understand with limited information it can be hard for people to get.
I just want him to tack the extra day onto the time he already has. I’ve made it clear he can have them as many nights as he pleases, but that it has to be in a block.
My 4yo especially struggles to adjust with the changes between homes. I started a business once we separated as he refused to help and I needed to create financial stability for my children - business has boomed and our whole world is turned on it’s head when they return from their fathers. My 4yo is an emotional wreck. I’ve gotten him into psychologist to help ya work through the adjustments and changes associated with moving from home to home but it’s just too much on us as a family unit (the three of us, not my ex, can’t speak for him) to have to go through that emotional crap every single week. He didn’t want this extra time until recently, I’ve had to sort this on my own and make a life for us and now he thinks he knows what’s best.
Background. I left him, as I was 16 and he was 22 when we met. I was under coercive control. The possessive and controlling nature of the relationship was intense. I lost 60kg and the resentment and bullying became awful so I left. The first day I wore a dress above the knee, I felt so beautiful and confident..... he told me he never wanted to sleep with me again and that it’s no way for a wife to dress. We separated the next day. I understand he may be hurt, but I love myself and I love my children more and this is unhealthy co parenting.
You very clearly have a lot of baggage from this relationship that needs to be dealt with. Also need to consider that working full time and running a business is not in the best interest of your family or yourself at the moment. Money is not everything. Single mum of 5 and I’m well aware of how difficult it is financially
You do have to make a life for yourself, we’ve all been there, when you seperate, you are now single.
Everything is on you, the sooner you accept it, the better off you’ll be.
We’ve all had that resentment, but don’t live there, move on from it.
It’s also not his job to worry about your mental health, his only concern should be the kids, you’ve broken it off (rightly so), now you need to completely cut the apron strings. I’ve been here too, he’s no longer anything to you, he’s just your kids father, you need to entangle yourself. These guys don’t care about the welfare of their kids mother, it’s just how they are, so don’t expect it.
Do you really think the solution to the four year olds behaviour is one extra day with dad?
I feel like there’s a lot going on in your home, and rather than addressing it, you’re putting it all on the custody arrangement.
I think family therapy is the solution, for you and the kids.
I also don’t think you’re in any state to be in a relationship, you mentioned in your post you have moved on, but I don’t think you have fully, psychologically, it really does take a while.
Longer when you’ve been in a toxic relationship.
I actually see a lot of myself ten years ago in your post, you need to realise, not everyone has your heart or caring nature.
If you couldn't have a healthy relationship when you were married, why on earth would you expect to heave a healthy relationship after you have dumped him? It's just not realistic for many people to have a healthy co-parenting relationship. Lots of promises are always made during the break-up.....you can't hold anyone to them. I get that you are grieving the life you thought your children would have. That's tough. But you need to let go of your expectations. Treat your ex and his gf like a difficult coworker. Interact as little as possible and expect nothing.