Parenting Plan for an Absent father- Long story short My Childs who is almost 12, absent father has touched base with us AGAIN after 2 years of no contact. He has never met my son and has contacted me on and off since the age of 7 (before this, no contact at all) He now wants to meet son. Son is not intersted to meet yet but is happy to have phone calls and see where it goes. After an extremely abusive phone call regarding money and wanting me to return child support money to him as I'm "stealing" his tax return... yup you read that correctly... I told him not to contact me directly again as his intentions are not pure and are only money driven.
Mediators have been in touch to discuss a parenting plan and I have an upcoming appointment. I have spoken to a couple of agencies that i was referred to by mediators but no one really knows what I should be expecting as far as making an arrangement as its not the "normal" situation.
Can someone tell me that may have had an absent parent want to be apart of their life what is reasonable as far as building a relationship and what the parenting paln looked like?
I expect it will take a couple years to get to long unsupervised visits or overnight stays ( He also lives in another state) to start with I thought phone calls, then move on to facetime, then onto supervised visits then short un supervised visits and increase the length of time with vistis but according to father I am unreasonable and he wants to meet him when he is in town in 3 weeks. Son doesn't want to meet in 3 weeks or maybe ever accoding to son.
My concern is he has come an gone over the last few years and never moves past email/phone contact with me before dissapearing again then tax time I hear from him again if he backpays me, so I do not want to rush it. Worst case is son meets him, likes him and then he disapears again which will only cause more damage than good and I am left to pick up the pieces.
3 Replies
Having walked this path as well, the mediator wrote orders my child wanted. Yes, what my child wanted. I was told at 12 the child decides, and contact is at the child discretion.
Given the fact he’s in another state and almost all of our borders (from state to state) are closed how does he propose meeting the child in 3 weeks?
I’m in QLD :)
You and your son hold all the power here. From personal experience the courts aren’t going to force a 12 year old to see someone.
At this age this is all up to your son and so it’s your job to continue to advocate what your son wants.
So stand your ground. Even if you do agree in theory, you can’t force your son to participate.
I assume you aren’t doing face to face time with your ex in mediation. So state your case, your aren’t against a relationship but that has to be built slowly so your son learns to trust and feels comfortable, so that has to start with phone calls regular phones calls at set times, then FaceTime and then they meet in person for periods of time.
The mediator won’t want to force a 12 year old either. They are generally understanding.
II'd be looking at regular calls, messaging, supervised visits etc as you listed, making sure these can be regular, not necessarily time scheduled but at least on a regular basis. Allowing your child to message or call at any (within reason) there's no build up, getting anxious, will he ring will he not?
Of course your son is going to be hesitant to meet a man he has never met but from my experience come the teenage years / puberty they will have so many emotions running through them in regards to their relation ship or lack of with their father, so many questions they want answered.
For me, children didnt see their father for almost 10yrs, he's priorities were elsewhere, involvement was scarce. As soon as they got social media they went looking and he was one of their first "friend requests", their relationship grew from there. He would travel interstate to see the boys, 1yr later the children travelled to his. Their bond will never be like that of active parent but it exists.
I won't lie, I held onto ALOT of resentment against the father, being left to raise kids on my own while he did his own thing popping in and out when it was convenient but seeing them actually have a father/ son bond brang (happy) tears to my eyes.