Need advice on how to deal with my boyfriend having his 1st child with a one night stand. He and I have been together for 4 years. We broke up for a 4 months and got together again. A week after we were back together he learns the one night stand he had while we were broken up turned out pregnant and that she was keeping it. I have been wanting a child for a year and a half with him, we were going to start trying when this curveball came in. We had to put it on pause to figure out how we were going to deal with this. The baby was born 2 weeks ago, she has forbidden me to even see the child. We are waiting on the DNA test which we should be getting the results this coming week. I have told him I no longer want to wait to have our own kid which he was understanding and said we could start trying. However, she has been difficult in dealing with whenever it concerns me so I am not sure what the future can hold or how to handle certain situations. I'm still upset over the fact I no longer will have his first child and for us to experience everything together since he's already getting to experience it with this child. He gets upset whenever I bring up a valid point and thinks I'm against the baby or negative towards her. However, I am not, I just want him to be aware of all the options and I want what's best for the child since she is in her early 20s and not very mature and wasnt prepared for the child even though she wanted to keep it and do it on her own.
20 Replies
As an outsider looking in:
Don’t bring a baby into this relationship, yet. From what I can tell you’ve broken up and reunited in the last 12 months. That’s NOT the time to be having a baby.
It doesn’t sound like either of you have reached out to a relationship therapist to make sure your relationship is actually back on track or to work on how to cope and manage the extra complication of another baby.
Don’t make any decisions until you get those results back. If it’s his baby, I’d be out of there. Sorry, but you are going to need a truck load of therapy to get into a healthy mindset (your current toxic idea is to race to bring a child into an already messy situation in order to balance things out, that’s not going to work) and he is going to need to develop some strong healthy boundaries and be prepared to take this babies mum to court to assert some control so he doesn’t have to see his child at the other woman’s house for the rest of his life.
If it’s his baby, your life is going to be messy until these kids are 18! You need to think really hard and long about that. It’s not something most people can do without engaging in some pretty toxic thinking themselves.
If it’s not his baby, I’d be insisting on couples counselling for 12 months, make sure everything is stable and then start to plan babies.
This. I’d be out.
You broke up. There was a reason.
Navigating a reconnection with the added stress of establishing co-parenting with new baby. While you resent its presence in the first place. Not going to be a good time. Move one.
Oh god a jealousy baby. What a mess. The other option is to leave it all behind and move on? Once you add your own baby to the mix nothing will be easier but that will be very much harder to do.
Run. For his sake, the innocent child's sake, and your sake.
Obviously he didn’t love you enough to keep it in his own pants whilst you where possible working things out, run for the hills! U deserve way better!
Do you really think trying for a baby with him while he's awaiting the paternity results of a TWO WEEK OLD BABY conceived during a fling is smart?
And seriously, where is his head at to even agree to having another baby when he's in his current predicament? He could potentially end up with 2 babies under 1 year old to two different women.
I don't think either of you realise how hectic that's going to be, especially if baby mama #1 continues to be difficult.
Yah, stay out of it. Calling the babys mum immature and stuff and bringing the topic up with him all the time is so disrespectful. Its their kid, not yours, you're really going to have to learn to zip it.
You can both still have your own child sonetime. You havent missed out and because you are upset by him already having a baby during your break up, it absolutely does come across that you resent that baby in a jealous way. You clearly aren't ready to be his partner just yet until you can learn to stand back and not interfere between the 3 of them.
If you're finding you can't just accept this and stay out of it then you really should consider calling off the relationship for good.
He's got a lot going on, on his own plate atm , the last thing he needs to hear is you screeching and bleeting on about what 'you' want and how 'you' feel.
Let him come to you if he needs a listening ear instead, and never judge any decision he chooses with his own child. You don't have to like any of this if you don't want to but it's not your place to say so if you do choose to stay.
If this is someone you want to spend the rest of your life with.... work with him right now to establish a stable relationship with both his child and child's mother, if proven to be his. Trying for your own child right now while he's still trying to rap his head around everything is not going to work, it will be highly likely he'll run for the hills from both children as it's all happened so quickly.
I don't think you're getting the true story, just based on her reactions. If this baby was truly conceived from a one night stand she would have no emotional connection to your partner and would be open to including you in the babies life. For her to be so against you I can guess that they had a legit relationship and he left her for you. He probably left you for her to start with.
For the love of god, don’t have a child with this man. You sound so immature and nowhere near ready to be somebody’s mother. If you couldn’t deal with him having a baby, you should have walked away when you both found out. Instead you stayed together and now demanding a baby because she got one out of him first
You sound jealous, petty, immature and like you would most likely be spiteful towards this baby. There is no reason at all that you need to have anything to do with this child or her mother. You’re not her stepmother or family to this baby. Your dads girlfriend. Baby will most likely stay with mum full time where dad can visit until she is old enough for visits or sleep overs.
She absolutely has every right to be a part of the babies life if she continues a relationship with the father. If fact, the only way they can continue a partnership is if she loves and accepts this baby as a package with her partner.
And that’s up to the mother and father, not her
What do you mean be by “be aware of all options?”
Can you please clarify.....
I hope you aren’t proposing taking the baby away from it’s mum or him walking away?
The only option I see, for a person with character, would be to support mum and baby and be a positive presence in the child’s life, with the most suitable custody arrangement for the child (which may change as the child moves through life).
If you love this guy, take the new baby option off the table, support him, don’t add an extra burden and help him navigate his new reality.
This is make or break time, stick together, support each other and you will come out stronger than ever.
If you can’t do that, move along because that precious little girl can’t have a bitter, resentful woman in her life.
Cut your losses and run!
This will ALWAYS be a bone of contention in your relationship. You'll never get those firsts with him back by rushing to have your own child. This is toxic and riddled with jealousy, not to mention you will be battling this child's mother for life. Is it worth it??
What was the DNA result?
What is the outcome of the test? and how is your relationship after the results?
Regardless of what you think and how this baby came into the world he is the baby’s father. There are no other options. It takes two to tango, who cares about the Mum and how old she is.
The fact that you think there are options for him Makes me think you’re never going to accept this baby and I believe you should move on and find someone who you can have your first with. I don’t think you’re ever going to be able to treat this baby as anymore than a ‘product of a one night stand’. Please don’t be around this child, you will do lasting damage and they will notice how you treat your future kids in comparison to them.
Your partner is already noticing it. Time to cut ties and move on. You can’t do this to an innocent baby. It’s not their fault how they came into the world. You were broken up.
Couldn't agree more!
Yep, she needs to get her head out of her arse. So much judgement towards a mother because she is 20, but can’t see how she’d royally screw up her own potential child by rushing to have a child with a guy immediately rather than waiting for things to settle down at least.