Am I the bad guy in this situation, I’m due to have my first baby in less than a fortnight. It’s a terrifying and exciting time.
I haven’t been able to travel back to where my parents live all year due to covid. I’ve decided to travel to visit them once first vaccinations have been done and had a chance to kick in. Bubs will be just shy of 12 weeks old give or take a week by that stage.
My parents are already upset that I’ve said no to travelling for Christmas due to covid (despite there being minimal cases where I live) and the fact I wouldn’t have been able to start vaccinations yet.
My parents have suggested that when we get there they take leave from work so that I can leave the baby with them during the day so I can attend booked appointments and meetings without the worries of a baby (I should state that this is my first baby and no one was really sure if I’d be able to have children so I’m being extra cautious).
At this stage I’ve said I’m not comfortable with that, which has upset my parents which has caused the following comments and comparisons “but we’re the grandparents”, “we’re allowed to spend time with our grand child”, “Your sister left her newborn with us for the day multiple times”. For the record however, Its not just them i feel this way about I don’t want to leave my baby alone with anyone.
As a first time mum I’m already feeling anxious about so many things and then there is the added stress of travelling across the country alone with a baby and leaving her at such a young age. I just don’t think I have it in me, I mean my opinion might change when she’s here and I’m dead exhausted but i won’t know that just yet. However according to my parents and partner I’m being unreasonable and ridiculous.
So am I the bad guy for being over protective and unreasonable?
29 Replies
Nope. Only do it if you need to, would feel better for some time away, and you’d think the baby would be well cared for.
Extended family don’t get 1:1 time with a baby just because they demand it. Screams of a lack of boundaries.
Uck i hate all this. Why do people stress new mothers? You do it when you feel ready. You leave them if you feel ready. You might not and that's fine. What your sister did is her business. Remind them its your first baby and you have the time to take it slow and thats what best for you, its not about them.
Each parent is different. I have babysat my Granddaughter from the day she was born, every single day and shes 1 year old now and I still have her every day as her mum needed the extra support from my husband and I.
However my other grandchild who is 3, ive babysat a total of 6 times since his birth because his parents prefer to do it all themselves.
The only right way is your way. Not your sisters , or your parents. Your the mum so your way is unique to you and your reasons are individualised to your own comfort level. It's not for them to dictate and state what they wish to happen. Your baby is not their child.
Kinda same goes on this page where if Grandparents don't 'step up'and continuously babysit and raise their grandkids, they're labeled as shit and uncaring. Same goes this way too. They are Grandparents, they are not the parents. If they can't help out all the time they too shouldn't be expected to.
They will get over it they are a little bit selfish atm due to their own excitement, just keep standing your ground.
Ask them to offer again in a years time, I'm sure you will jump at the chance. No one wants to take toddlers anywhere 🤣. Newborns are easy and you will probably still feel the way you do now about leaving them, not many new mothers are comfortable doing that. Poor form of them to be pushing the issue, they should have offered then left it at that. They should know what it's like.
Why are vaccinations at 12 weeks and not 6 weeks?
You do you, but if it was me I would be jumping at the chance for a relationship with grandparents and finding a way to make them happy :) I’m pretty confident once she’s born and you are exhausted you will change your mind and want some time to yourself like they’re offering.
My kids were having sleepovers from 8 weeks old with grandparents - it worked great for us and allowed me to maintain some normality of myself because once they arrive, you lose a lot of yourself!
Vaccine schedule where I am is from 6-8weeks then we’ve been advised to wait an additional 2weeks for them to settle and kick in. My baby will be 6 weeks around Christmas and the Doctors will be closed so no chance of doing it sooner.
I had my baby at similar times and the doctors still operate as usual - they are really only closed on Xmas day and sometimes boxing day :)
That would depend on different practices, everyone I've ever been to are only open weekdays, some are open Saturday's.
You know they don’t have to be done at the doctors? Most councils run community vaccination clinics.
Start small and build. Take up their offer while your there and go grab some sleep or shower...
It is your decision ultimately but remember they have been parents before. You can judge if they were good or not etc
Also that they are trying to be helpful. I’m sure it’s not meant to cause this much stress. You have likely hurt their feelings too and hence their reaction.
If you're breastfeeding it won't be an option anyway unless you express which can be much more complicated than it sounds for some. Maybe just say it's a lovely offer and you'll consider what's best at the time. For now you're anxious and can't plan that far in advance when you don't know what you're in for.
The thing about grandparents is that they have no rights what so ever to our children. They are there because we allow them to be. If your not comfortable leaving your newborn with them, then don’t. You are under no obligation to let them or anybody else babysit. Just because someone else was happy to leave their newborn in their care means nothing at all. Your baby, your rules. Don’t let them guilt you now otherwise it something they will be doing forever to get their own way. Grandparents can be extremely manipulative to get what they want when it concerns grandchildren
I kinda worked on the assumption that as a new mum with 0 experience, my MiL who had raised 6 kids already (her youngest is 18 months older than my son) was a much safer bet anyway lol.
I didn't leave him overnight for many years but I knew if I needed a break to take a shower, duck to the shops, go to town for an hour or so etc he was in great hands.
She's probably a bit more current in her knowledge then.I know many grandparents who support putting honey or brandy on dummies or in formula, sleeping on stomachs, letting cats sleep with newborns etc.
And thats probably what theyre saying when they say 'we had your sisters baby lots as a newborn' but it comes across as pushing their agenda and comparing that she's better.
Communication through it is tough, just stay polite, thank for offer and maintain your own decisions.
I'm a grandmother of 5 garandbabies between 1 & 8 who I regularly baby sit. And those old fashioned things you described sound more like Grandparents who today would be in their 70's and 80's and not practiced these days. I'm a young Nanna and still 40 years off the age of someone in their 80's and not even I would put brandy on a dummy or allow tummy sleeps etc ... I'd never leave a baby with anyone in that age group. An older child yes maybe, a baby definitely not.
It usually people in their 60s in my experience.
There are idiots in every age group when it comes to whacky parenting ideas!
Agree. I know 20 year olds that think the family cats sleeping with a baby is cute.
Regardless, my point was that while first time mums seem to always have that "mine" mentality, that I recognised and appreciated the help my MiL could offer.
The OP hasn't mentioned any dangerous care, or any reasons at all except that she's not comfortable with it. It's just a reminder to her that she doesn't have to do it all alone, that if it hasn't crossed her mind yet, her PiL could well be more than capable and rather than to shut them down completely to take some time to think about it.
This group exists due to the loss of the "village" but I wonder sometimes if it's the village that's missing or if people have forgotten how to deal with each other and prefer the anonymity of the internet.
I agree people are very territorial about their babies these days.
Parents can be such a great asset, they’ve been there, done that.
My mum was a great resource.
Just consider that and take a wait and see approach.
For me its a hard no. But thats me. I feed on demand when theyre that little. If bub is older and on a good feeding schedule and i needed the break even for an hour and i trusted my family member 100% to do it how i do it then yes. However ive always taken my newborns with me everywhere until they were at an age i was more comfortable to leave them. Instead of letting them guilt you. You could use phrases such as. “I understand your want to spend time with my baby” “i will see how i feel after ive had the baby” “i am not my sister, i am me and partner and i will make decisions based on how we feel” “if i feel like i need a break, im sure youd be the first person i would call”
Maybe just dont go there at all and make them come to you in your space and say youll only accept so many visitors at a time.
So many people out there that think theyre entitled to your baby!! You need to put them in their place.
They sound like typical excited but slightly overbearing grandparents.
Don't feel bad for creating boundaries and saying no to things you aren't quite ready for or comfortable with.
But on the other token, be careful not to push away people who want to help. Having grandparents who want to be involved and hands on is such a blessing. I was 17 when I was expecting my son and all I got was my rellos telling me how much they WEREN'T going to help me/babysit for me etc because I got myself into this mess.
So I personally would have another chat to your parents and say something like -
"I apologise if I hurt your feelings, I can see you're trying to be helpful and supportive, I do appreciate that. I'm just not ready to start thinking about baby sitting and stuff yet.
If you'd like to take some leave when we visit so you can spend more time with us and bond with the baby, that would be really nice and maybe we could re visit the idea of baby sitting closer to the time".
I'd also have a chat to your partner and just let him know that you're already feeling a bit overwhelmed and vulnerable, you need his support right now, not to be invalidated.
I upset a few people with mine, I have no regrets and they all got over it lol. Do what makes you feel comfortable but I like the suggestion of just saying 'we will see' and not giving definite answers until the baby has arrived as your feelings may or may not change. I do not agree with babies being handed around in general as I have seen many mums struggle later on and wonder why their bubs are so unsettled. I also know of a couple of times the babies have become unwell from well meaning relatives. Some women I know have used breastfeeding to their advantage or had them in the baby carriers asleep and attached to them so they do not have the constant requests for them to be held. You will know best for your bub and they are only little for a short time, I'm sure her grandparents are not going anywhere :)
Number one rule when you become a first time mum.. follow your gut instinct!!! If you aren’t right with something do not let anyone else make you feel guilty about it. This is your child now and your choices. You are responsible now for all decisions, not your parents. Coz I can tell you now that it gets a whole lot worse. Do not let them compare you for what your sister has done. You stand up to them now and say straight out what you think. It gets worse and some parents think they have the right just because they raised you. My mum is like this. Thinks she can butt in all the time. I do not allow it. We argue but I don’t care they are my kids and not her decisions to make. I also don’t let her watch my kids much. She goes opposite me. Please listen to your gut once you have this baby and don’t let anyone ever guilt you and don’t let anyone ever make you do something you don’t want to. We are all different and raise kids differently. You will get a lot of advise and guilt thrown at you. Take on some advise that you request but ignore the rest. So many know all’s out there telling you how to raise your kids and what to do. Ignore when it’s not needed. You will find out who to share advise with and who not. Stand up to your parents. What if something happens while the baby is in their care.? You’d never forgive yourself or them. This is how I feel anyway especially at that age.
No!!!! If someone was going to do selfishly try to pressure me into doing that with my baby I wouldn’t go visit them at all. You do what feels right to you.
No you are not being the bad guy or unreasonable! This is your child and no one has any rights to them. They had the chance to be parents and parent their way. Now it is your turn to parent your child however you see fit.
Our first born is almost 3 and the only time he has been away from us was when we had our second child. He was 2 years and 2 months old at the time. He was with my MIL & SIL for 6 hours during the day while bub was being born. And I have only spent 3 night away from he while I was in hospital and he was with Hubby
I will freely admit I am not very good at sharing my babies and people (family or not) were lucky to even get a cuddle in the early days/months! So in my opinion nope you're not being unreasonable. My kids are 18,15, and 8 years old and I have no regrets. There is plenty of time (when you're ready to share) for everyone to get their turn.
I was the same as you. My son never left my side till i was ready for a break. I was always so anxious of anyone holding him. Listen to your gut. After all its your baby and you don’t need to explain to anyone why. Grandparents parenting is always different to our parenting ideas. Especially to do with sids risks. Can’t even remember the amount of times i had to say something about the dangers. Coz they are always like “oh we did it with you and you survived”
Go with your gut. Otherwise you’ll be fighting for custody with the in laws like me.