Hi lovely ladies,
I have four children, they have seen a lot over the years.... my husband can talk to me quite horribly, puts me down, is verbally, mentally and sometimes (though not recently) physically, emotionally abusive. I have put up with this for a long time, I suppose iv just learnt to deal with it. It has gotten better, since I stopped drinking. I was a alcoholic. But I have been sober now for 3 years. He says it’s all my fault if anything goes wrong in our life.... I don’t know why I’m writing this I think I just needed to vent... one of my children is also mimicing his behaviour as well so that concerns me as well.
5 Replies
Try couples Councilling. Past traumas are hard to overcome in a day so ongoing therapy for a time could really do you both the World of good
You’ve grown, don’t let your past define you.
Sounds like you’ve outgrown this relationship, do what you have to.
Getting sober, you must be incredibly strong, you can do this.
You don’t want your kids becoming him, do it for them xxx
The thing with learning to deal with it, is that the kids in turn have no choice but to learn to deal with it.
Then when their little brains are good and fucked they reach adulthood and have to choose their path.
Some will choose partners the same as an abusive parent. It's all they know so it's normal. The cycle continues.
Some will choose to not be a victim, instead showing those abusive behaviours. Again, doing what they know. The cycle continues.
I am the child of one of these relationships and it has left deep marks that no amount of working on myself have healed.
On paper I'm successful. Long term partner, child, well paid job, well respected in my field, complete financial independence, houses, cars and a pretty comfortable life. In reality I'm a worthless failure.
You see, I took the second option.
I did what I knew. Until I knew better of course but I did what I knew.
Imagine being a good person on the inside but doing atrocious things because you didn't know better. The guilt I live with every day is crushing.
Don't do this to your kids. Make one change right now that teaches them better. Expect better for yourself so that they learn in turn to expect better. Of others and themselves.
The blaming you is called gaslighting which is a form of emotional abuse.
It is a toxic environment for yourself and your children. Please look at getting help to leave.
Do you really want your children to grow up learning that this behaviour is normal? Meaning they will continue the cycle and either abuse or be abused themselves. Is that what you want for your kids?
I can totally relate to this on nearly every level. We too have 4 children and have been together a long time. We had a strong marriage for the first 8 years, loving, supportive etc.. Then one day my husband had a fall out with his family and gradually over a 4 year period he became abusive and toxic towards me. He also enjoyed gaslighting me. My children witnessed things they should never of had to endure when it was the peak of abuse. He was a raging alcoholic and that is when he turned and the abuse got real bad. I reached a point after a very bad abusive weekend and I kicked him out on his ass (had to trick him to get him to leave but once he was gone I changed the locks and took out a DVO) We were separated for 18 months, it was absolute torture. The kids behaviour was awful and he and I always fought over them. After about 12 months in to separation he begged and pleaded to come home, he attended AA regularly so I started by inviting him to dinner a few nights a week to monitor how he was. I was completely broke the entire time and too shattered in my confidence to be fit enough to find a job. I ended up getting diagnosed with PTSD and had to attend councilling. He said it broke his heart watching me go through that but I didn't trust him and I just couldn't believe he would be so abusive towards me. He wrote me many heartfelt letters, put flowers on my door step, cried when exchanging the kids. Anyway... We have been back together for over two years now and I can honestly say that we are back to best friends and happy. Our kids are much happier too. I didn't want to give you advise because there is kids and abuse involved but I wanted to share my story. I hope it helps x