I'm dating a guy who I'm absolutely crazy about. It's only been a few months but I've been single for years because I'm extremely picky about who I date. I have high standards and really need to connect with someone to even consider dating them. Well, this man checks all my boxes and we go together so well that I'm pretty sure he was made just for me. We've already said we love each other, he's met my family, and I basically live at his house. He's in the miltary and he's deploying in a couple weeks which is already going to be super hard for me because I've never liked the idea of long distance but he's worth the wait. That's not the issue.. the issue is that he found out a little over a week after we started dating that he got a girl pregnant before we met. It was a girl he was really close with but had no romantic feelings for but she is basically in love with him. In fact she was so upset that he didnt want to be with her that she moved to another state. They are on good terms and she is keeping the baby. His ex wife couldn't get pregnant and she went through IVF for 3 years with her ex husband and couldn't have a baby so this is definitely a miracle child. He wasn't happy at first obviously because it was a shock and he also thought I would leave him but he's so excited now and honestly I am too. I've been struggling with cervical cancer since June so I don't even know if I 'll be able to carry a baby to term. I've dated single dads before, I love kids, and it's never bothered me but for some reason this is so different. All I think about is the intimiate moments their going to have. The ultrasounds, talking to her belly, the birth... it makes me feel like he's cheating and i feel so selfish even having negative feelings towards it because I want them to enjoy every moment of it. I guess I'm just wondering if anyone has been in a similar situation and how did you cope...? I'm going to stick it out and stay with him and yes I'm sure he doesn't want to be with her. she knows about me too.
17 Replies
If you see a long term future with him and you are both in this together, go along with him to some appointments and try to get to know her as well as you can. This can be the start of an AMAZING co-parenting scenario and you have the opportunity to be a really big part of it :)
But don’t be offended if she doesn’t want you there. This is her time to enjoy being pregnant and a mother. She may not want an audience at her appointments. To co parent successfully the first thing to understand is that this baby has two parents and you need to learn and except boundaries.
This is not a solution to your possible fertility issues.
It’s important to be realistic.
This is going to be long and difficult and challenging and even if you try and make friends with the mother, the chances of you being friendly co-parents are extremely low.
This situation is not for you. And that’s ok.
That doesn’t make you a bad person.
Once the baby arrives it will get worse because the norm in these situations is that Dad visits the baby frequently at the mothers house, until the baby is older. The chances of you, your guy and the mother all hanging out at mums house amicably (or mum even allowing you at the visits) are slim to none.
I’m saying all this as a mum who had a child with a man I’d broken up with and although he wasn’t in another relationship I know how things work etc it’s incredibly stressful for everyone, emotions are high, hormones and sleep exhaustion and then you have a knee dad who just wants to bond with his knee Baby. The chances of you being involved in any of that is low to none, especially with Covid.
Be realistic, this isn’t a romance novel that you can love someone through and having a connection probably won’t help you when he’s visiting his child at her house.
Its going to be tricky at first and her emotions are going to be all over the place.
I'd suggest maybe getting the mother a pregnancy related gift (voucher for maternity clothing or a sleeping pillow etc) and maybe write a letter. Have her know that you don't want to step on her toes but outline how incredible successful and wonderful co-parenting could be for the child and that you only want to support, care and nurture. It may not be well received initially, who can say - especially if the relationship is still young. However it also could be well received - she may need the support, she will probably need time to process and its going to be very small steps when the baby is born as it really does need its mother first up but could develop really well long term. There can never be too many people to love a child.
The thing that worries me for you is that you’re already having issues in terms of feeling somewhat insecure (intimiate moments their going to have. The ultrasounds, talking to her belly, the birth) these things have yet to happen and you’re already feeling a little cheated on because of it. When they actually start to happen those feelings are going to be so much stronger and so much harder to deal with.
How does he propose to have this level of involvement if she’s moved states anyway? Is she coming back? Cause it doesn’t sound like she will want to if she left because she’s in love with him and he’s not in love with her.
You’re only a few months into this relationship and while it all seems perfect right now (and I wouldn’t expect it to be anything but) this is a huge situation that requires a delicate nature and time.
I wish you the best of luck moving forward with this but it’s going to be hard work
You need to understand something. You will be tied to this child and their mother for the next 18 years. Its not all rainbows and kittens. Its not a fairy-tale. Its years taking a backseat, so that the needs of a child are being met - their emotional and physical wellbeing is of the uttermost importance. Its bloody hard work.
I've been a full time stepmum for the last 10 years. I went from no kids to 2 kids in a blink of an eye. I wouldn't change it for the world. These "kids" are not so little now and we are all incredibly close, but you need to know that jealousy, insecurity etc will destroy the relationship. Only YOU can answer the questions to see if you can tolerate to be not the most important person in your partner's life. Will you tolerate your partner rushing to be by their child's side at a moment's notice? Will you tolerate your partner taking on the financial commitment for the life that they helped to create? Will you treat the mum with respect, ensuring you guys can have a productive, non-toxic co-parenting experience?
It's a huge commitment. A child's life and wellbeing is at play here. I'm not trying to be negative here, but just something to think about. This is not going to be about you, but about a child.
It's normal to have insecurities and jealousy in a situation like this. But this is something only you can fix by changing the way you are thinking. Your relationship with him is only new, there's no solidarity yet which makes it harder. You might not even be together for a long time, or maybe you will. You don't know that yet.
So for now take things day by day. The child will be a part of his life forever and so technically, will she. You just have to change the way you internalise your emotions over this.
I'm going to say you're not being as fussy as you think you are, if youre holding on through this. Maybe it just takes a while to meet someone else, you can still do it. Don't place too much importance on the fact you found him, there's still a lot of time and choices to make if this is the one for you.
I'd worry less about scans together and more about him being a coparent with this woman for life. They will grow to respect each other and be partners. They will raise a child together. You will take on the cost of an extra child. He will pay child support and put his everything into this child, that's hard for a lot of 'second wives' to handle as it will directly affect your home life, finances, schedule, freedom, costs, priorities.
I think it's very normal for you to be thinking these thoughts at the moment. I would have been. The thing is, those concerns aren't actually the problem. You're now in a 4 person relationship. You, hubby, hubby and mum. If you want to buy a house together you will have less borrowing power as hubby will have child support. He gets a pay rise, child support increases. You will be step mum and if you fall in love with the child and separate, you lose the child. You need to consider if you can handle those things
This is either going to be the start of a wonderful amazing life or its going to lead to heart break mostly yours.
She will either accept you as his partner. The one who will be by his side when visitation occurs. The one who will comfort him when he struggles parenting or who takes oven when the going gets rough. Shell appreciate you being there during his visits so she can get a nap, she’ll appreciate you doing her dishes, putting a load of laundry on and folding the dry stuff that she hasnt gotten around too. Mopping floors etc because what else will you be doing during his visits with the baby and apart from the occasional hold you wont be bonding much with this child until it is much older and doing over nights at your place. Approx 18 months to 2 years old.
Or shes going to hate you with a passion. Shes going to tell him you cant come to anything, she doesn't want you to visit the hospital, she doesn't want you seeing the baby, she wont want your input at all and come hell or high water when he does get over night visitation shes gonna make his life hell if he even thinks for one minute you can bs near there child.
I honestly feel for you right now. This situation is not ideal and tbh its not something id stick around for no matter how good he is or how right it feels. Because its more likely to be messy than co parent heaven.
I wish you every bit of luck i can muster and wish you well in this endeavour.
I am not against getting into a relationship with a man with children when i can see how the dynamics work. But this ....... is a whole kettle of fish that no one can predict.
I know you're adamant about sticking it out with this guy but look at the reality here.
It's a very new relationship.
He's deploying really soon.
He's expecting a baby with someone else.
Most months old relationships don't have to deal with these types of challenges.
Is this REALLY what you want or are you just worried this is as good as it gets?
This isn’t going to end well, you’re kind of in denial about the whole thing, being excited, yikes, you’re missing so many red flags.
Good luck, but make sure you bail when reality hits, don’t stay too long if it goes to shit.
Being with a single dad is completely different to this scenario for many reasons, that’s why you don’t feel good about it.
Single dads have usually dealt with their baggage, have formed a new normal before you come along.
This guy is creating his baggage and has not established his new normal, plus your relationship is so young, you don’t really have a strong foundation yet.
Don’t get overly involved in the baby side of things, because it’s too early to see if this is long term. You haven’t seen the worst in each other yet.
You also aren’t fussy, most would have run in this situation.
Wow this guy has a lot of baggage. This is a lot for a new relationship. I probably wouldn’t stick around myself because you’ll be second to this baby. This is a lot of pressure for a new relationship. It would totally turn me off.
Lots of red flags here! He has a lot of baggage failed relationships. I would consider setting your standards higher and finding someone else
Its only been a few months and he has found out he is having a baby with someone else. I understand why you want to stay with him but is this really what's best for all of you?
You said he is deploying, so between work in the military (often being away) and spending most of the other time with his baby, where do you fit in? How much time will he be giving you between work and the baby? Will you be a part of the babies life? Like will the mother allow you to go with your bf to visit the baby?
Oh and she moved interstate so will he be moving interstate too? Or will she move back? If she stays interstate then he will need to make trips to go see her so again between that and his work how much time will he have for you or will you be going with him for all of these trips?
You are only a few months in and it is already incredibly complicated.
If it was me I would take a step back, let him sort out the situation (DNA test), custody, living arrangements etc. and then once things calm and and plans are in place then maybe step back in, or just leave because it is waaaaaay too much to deal with.
You have every right to feel off about this. A girl who loves you boyfriend is carrying his child. Your boyfriend is close with this girl and will be sharing this journey with her and their child.
If you stay make sure your feelings and needs are taken into account and compromises are made so that everyone can be happy.
I would just back out of this relationship and give them a chance to be a family. I know a couple that went through something similar he had moved onto another relationship he was really happy in but she broke it off with him so he could focus on the baby coming. The expectant mum and soon to be dad gave the relationship another shot and they are really happy many years on.