How to deal with an ungrateful child?

Anon Imperfect Mum

How to deal with an ungrateful child?

I have tried my best to teach my child (10 years old) to be grateful for the things he receives, however he just is not. Nothing is ever good enough.

We go to the movies, see the movie he wants to see and buy popcorn. He is disappointed and will whinge and carry on that we did not get lollies as well. We go to an amusement park, and he will complain that he doesn’t get a gift from the gift shop. We will go to the beach and he complains that we brought a picnic instead of buying food. We go away for a weekend, and he wants pizza instead of burgers. We buy him a laptop for Christmas (he begged and begged to be in the computer class for school) and he just had a blow out because we told him he could use the old (but still in perfect condition) laptop bag instead of having to buy a new one as the laptop with the correct specs etc cost a lot. Literally every family outing or gift is ruined by his constant whinging about what else he wants.

I have always role modelled positivity and being grateful, spoken to him about his attitude, had discussions about less fortunate children, taught him to buy and donate gifts for less fortunate children, provided punishment by taken items off him when he has been ungrateful for them or leaving when we are on family outings and he starts carrying on. He is required to do chores to earn pocket money to buy his own things so that he understands the value of money. He is certainly not spoiled, as we do not buy him lots of things and when we do it is usually only around his birthday and Christmas. Nothing I have done has seemed to help this sense of entitlement and ingratitude though and I am over it. Has anyone else had to deal with something like this before? I am just at my wits end and starting to really struggle with it.

Posted in:  Behaviour

20 Replies

Anon Imperfect Mum

My sisters kids are like this and she would be the first to say they aren’t spoilt, but compared to mine, they absolutely are. Sometimes we can’t see what’s right in front of us. Delayed gratification, when you really want something and don’t get it. I mean not at their next birthday or Christmas, I mean a long, long time if it’s a big ticket item. Kids these days get what they want for their birthday and Christmas, just because they ask. They never really, really wish and hope for something for a long period, really earn it. When I was a kid, I didn’t get my Santa wish list every year, so when I got something i really wanted, I was so happy. Getting what they want every year, robs them of that true happiness.
Fact is if he doesn’t appreciate what he gets, he’s getting too much. Extreme example, a poor kid in India, they would appreciate it, wouldn’t they? It isn’t just about stuff either, it’s going places etc. My sisters kids want to go somewhere, they go. They are also demanding of adults time and are never pulled up on it. The parents also have an entitled attitude, again, they would be horrified if they heard that, but it’s the truth.

like
Anon Imperfect Mum

Thank you for your input, unfortunately it doesn’t quite ring true in our case. He certainly does not get everything he wants, and this year is actually the first time he has received a ‘big ticket item’ that he had asked for. Most years, presents go by the rule of one you want, one you need, one to wear, one to read and we usually only spend a small amount, so when I say he is not spoiled I certainly mean it. As a family, we do not have new and great. My husband and I both have old cheap prepaid phones, our tv is over 8 years old, we run our cars til they die, and we have tried to teach him this. While we do lots of family activities together, it is usually free and active activities such as hiking or the beach. I just really don’t understand where it comes from. If we were a materialistic family or did spoil him I could understand but we just are not (and I am not just in denial about it).

like
Anon Imperfect Mum

I assume this is all pretty recent, you wouldn’t mention things from twelve months ago, so we have beach, amusement park, away for weekend, cinema, laptop in a pretty small space of time. That’s a lot. Even free activities are still activities out of the house, that are being taken for granted. Not staying home amusing themselves but being entertained. What car you drive or being thrifty with your own purchases won’t help if you’re giving all to your kids.

like
Anon Imperfect Mum

Thank you. Your assumption is incorrect but thanks for your feedback anyway.

like
Anon Imperfect Mum

At 10 I’d be brutally honest.

“If your going to whinge next time we won’t take you..”

“If you whinge, ask or carry on you don’t get a thing, more than that we go home..”

Don’t indulge him.

Leave him with a family member so he misses out in an event..

Tough love.

Be consistent and follow through on all threats you make..

like
Anon Imperfect Mum

Thank you for your feedback. We do currently do these things. He has missed out on many activities due to this. We have turned around and left activities. We are consistent with not allowing the behaviour but it just continues on the rare occasion we do things.

like
Anon Imperfect Mum

I suggest seeing your doctor and possibly getting into seeing a phycologist. Usually over time this behavior should have stopped. I get it my son has undesirable behaviors. He's a sore loser. His doctor really helps.

like
Anon Imperfect Mum

Th is came up recently and the answers were all similar - stop giving so much. Really pull back, until hes happy to just get something no matter what it is.

like
Anon Imperfect Mum

Also, fussing for control and choice can be a form of feeling out of control, and wanting control. If hes doing it constantly over every little thing it could be more that. In that case, you need to give him 2 choices when its appropriate he makes choices.
Other time you need to let him know in advance what will be happening.
Ie) were going to the movies on Wednesday. Should be buy popcorn there, or go to Coles and get lollies?
Or were going to the movies on Wednesday, we will see x movie. I will buy you a small popcorn and you can take your own water bottle, ok? Good. Go over it often, again before you leave, and by then you would have had the conversation that that's what it is, if you dont like it we won't go. If he complains there, remind him this was always the plan and we won't come again if he's going to whinge about getting a treat, but he probably will deal better knowing all along what the boundaries are. Just dont change them thinking you're giving him a special treat, because youre actually giving him hope that he can whinge and change the deal every time. Predictability is key for these kids.

like
Anon Imperfect Mum

I think doing this will make him even more of a spoilt brat.
He gets to decide what snack the family eats at the cinema.
“These kids” really? He isn’t autistic, he’s just an ungrateful entitled spoilt brat.
It’s not about control, it’s about always wanting more.

like
Anon Imperfect Mum

Not sure how you made that leap. 'These kids'refers to the kids I've explained - those who feel out of control and are struggling to grab it.
Also nowhere did I say let him choose what the whole family eats. Perhaps reread it. If you think all bad behaviour is due to naughty children, great but the research doesn't support that. Personally I believe there are no bad kids, their behaviour comes from somewhere and is a little person doing all they know, in their limited experience.

like
Anon Imperfect Mum

I believe that too, kids are a product of their environment.
Are we now going to diagnose spoilt kids that get too much?
The op would have mentioned if there were any other behaviours she thought were concerning.
I’m a huge advocate of diagnosis, adhd, odd, asd, so kids get the early intervention and assistance they require.
However, based on what op has written, I see a child who wants more.
A child who gets too much so doesn’t appreciate anything.

like
Anon Imperfect Mum

It’s actually really simple, uncomplicated or complex.
Child doesn’t appreciate anything, pull back and give child less.

like
Anon Imperfect Mum

Yes, I did say exactly that, its written right there on the post you're replying to. I'm really not sure what has you so upset and on about diagnoses. I think you must have misunderstood what's been said.

like
Anon Imperfect Mum

Thank you, this is helpful advice. He definitely likes control so maybe something I can work with to try to help this behaviour.

like
Anon Imperfect Mum

I don’t know if this applies to your situation but one of my mums parenting rules was never ever reinforce begging or constant asking for an item.
I know when I haven’t followed that rule with my own son he has started acting like a snot. Because he’s learnt by begging, carrying on and constant asking I will eventually give him what he wants. It only takes one cave in on my part and it takes ages and ages to undo, in fact it gets worse at the start of putting a stop to it as he tries harder to get me to cave (it’s called an extinction burst).
Being consistent, if you’ve said no, it’s a no forever. If your going to say yes eventually say yes the first time he asks.

like
Anon Imperfect Mum

My 11 year old daughter has been a lot like this (although she's getting better now she's getting older/more mature).

What I eventually realised was that it wasn't a lack of gratitude or appreciation for what she did have, it was just that she is incredibly impulsive.

She doesn't actually genuinely want for things, she just wants things once she knows those things are/were possibility.

Some approaches I've found helpful over the years (not necessarily in this order or all at once).

A. Setting her expectations in advance to avoid disappointment.

Example - We're going to the movies on Wednesday, we are seeing Finding Nemo, you may choose either popcorn OR lollies for a snack, we aren't going to be staying to play arcade games after the movie this time.

B. Allowing choice where possible.
Example - We're going to the beach and we're going to bring a picnic from home, would you prefer to take wraps or sandwiches? Choc chip muffins or Timtams, what do you think would be better?

C. Ensuring she has a good understanding of the concept of money.
If there's something she really wants, I make her earn the money for it.
She asked for macdonalds today, I told her "Sure but you'll have to buy it with your Christmas money". When she calculated that she wouldn't be able to afford the LED lights she really wanted if she bought maccas. Suddenly, she was quite happy to have dinner from home.
Her realisation that money isn't this infinite resource has been most helpful in getting her to understand that you just can't have everything you want.

D. Not overwhelming her with too many "experiences". One school holidays I kind of went above and beyond for a special treat, I took her to the movies, the pool, clothes shopping, one on one lunch dates, sleepovers etc. I was kind of baffled when she became increasingly bratty, then it hit me - too much of a good thing.

like
Anon Imperfect Mum

Thank you! This rings so true in our situation. He can be very excited and impulsive in the moment. I like the idea of choices and setting the expectations in advance. I am certainly going to look into this more. Thank you for the helpful advice.

like
Anon Imperfect Mum

I know a few kids like this and to be honest I think it comes down to letting the child have too much power in decision making. I know people will disagree with me but my sister has one child and they always ask her what she wants, whether it be for dinner, where they go, what they do. I have 4 kids so this would never work for me because they would want 4 different things and it would end in an argument. So we tell them what they are doing, we ARE having spaghetti bol tonight, not do you WANT spaghetti bol tonight. We ARE watching Batman, not what movie do you want to watch? I think that makes the difference, it's not so much that they are entitled it's that they have always been able to decide things and don't like being told they can't.

like
Anon Imperfect Mum

Sounds like this kid needs a good hard lesson in getting nothing. Stop giving him anything. Make him go without and make him have what you give him not what he demands. Unfortunately it’s too late, it’s already in him. Take away technology’s and everything make him live with the basics in life with everything. You need to keep saying No to him, no matter what. If he wants anything right down to a pizza say no or make him do jobs to earn it. You need to show him how lucky he is and how ungrateful he is being. Make him watch documentaries on 3rd world countries anything. He needs a good hard dose of reality until it sinks in. Get him doing jobs for you.

like