Im in desperate need for some advice on what to do next...
Im a single mum with 2 kids to two different dads, I live in Victoria on my own (been on my own 4 years now), so at the start of 2020 covid hit me hard (like it did everyone!) But I went from being a full time employee on a really really good wage to being out of work, on centrelink and stay at home mum of two home schooling my 9 yr old all on my own.
Bit of back story on my kids is my daughter father gave up his rights to see his daughter through covid so I had her full time for 10 months. My son has ADHD and Aspergers with slight OCD, change doesn't come easy to my son at all!
During stage 4 lock down our lives completely changed! My son couldn't cope with his routine change and my daughter was having such a hard time trying to home school with my son needing so much attention. Myself being a person who has always worked hard and had money, changing to a stay at home mum, home schooling and trying to help my son as well as owing money on my personal loan, both mortgages and bills, I had a bit of a melt down. So I enlisted the help of my sons father and his girlfriend, they took my son 50/50 in early June last yr and everything was going amazingly! My daughter was getting her work done, my son was thriving and I was able to get my melt down sorted and get back on track and find a new part time job. Two months into 50/50 my sons father wanted to make a new agreement in September in which I got verified by my lawyer and signed it, I genuinely thought our new arrangement was going so well because our son was just so happy and thriving, so why change it right??
WELL.... That all went up in smoke didnt it!! Out of no where, in September my sons fathers missus rocks up at my door step with my son in tow saying my sons father has a drinking problem. She told me he had become violent towards her and had left their house and hadn't been home in 4 days, she said she got an intervention order on him and needed a week or two to get things sorted and get him into rehab or get him into councilling... I trusted her and believed my son was safe in her care while he spent time with his dad and supported them BUT also did my own back ground work, I called dhhs reported it, contacted a lawyer and a family mediator to keep my mind sane! I also asked to change out signed agreement to have a clause in that in the event that they broke up it reveted back to court orders (he used to only sees his son fortnightly Friday to monday and Tuesday nights on the off week)
Everything was going good i heard nothing from them till last night!! Well he has done it again!! 4 months later I get a phone call, my sons father hasn't been home in 6 days, he has treated her badly and they have now broken up. In rage she told me that he hadn't stop drinking, refused to see someone and wouldn't go to rehab, he had tried to commit suicide multiple times and has punched holes in the walls and abused her in front of my son. She told me he had drunk drove with my son in the car and refused to pull over when my son needed to wee which lead to him soiling himself and having a melt down about it, in which is fathers response was "look what you've done to yourself, great! You've pissed yourself!". She also told me she has hidden information from me so that I didnt take my son away from his dad but is now firm that he isnt a good parent and actually doesn't think he is fit enough to see our son at all and is worried for his safety if I let this happen. She also said all the messages I have sent to my sons father about our son weren't actually him replying but were her and that he never wants to communicate about our son and refuses too.
After hearing this I DO NOT want this man around my son!! Regardless of him being his dad!! He never drank when we were together so all this is so new to me! What do I do now?? Do I believe what she is saying? Is she being vindictive to get back at him?? (My sons father and I dont communicate much) Mediation is in progress but how do I get the court to see what's happening because its just he said she said right now. Im so worried for my son! He loves his dads girlfriend so much, to go from seeing her weekly to not at all and just 3 weeks before his first yr in school, im so stressed!!
6 Replies
I assume you lived with him at one point, wouldn't you know what he is like or was he never like this before? Has your son said anything to back up what she's saying? I don't think I would have left him there after the first time she knocked on your door. That was her basically saying your son is not safe there.
He never drank when we were together because he has type one diabetes do he used to religiously look after his sugar and carb intake.. My son doesn't really communicate on that level.
Your son's and your wellbeing is the most important thing here. I get a sense reading this that there are some red flags for you with what the ex girlfriend is saying. Is there a way to find out what's happening through a different avenue? Talking to the dad directly and asking how things are going? I know you mention you don't communicate much but I think it is reasonable to check in about how the arrangement is going. Asking your son if he enjoys being with dad? Is he sleeping ok when he is there? What does he like? What doesn't he like? Age appropriate questions? His responses without leading him too much will give you some indication. I feel like you need the dad to be ok so that you can have a balance of all responsibilities and that is understandable. Then you....you are going through so much. All these challenges on their own are huge- but combined and during covid must seem unbearable. A good psychologist will help unpack it all and if anything just provide you with some much-needed support in working through things. I also don't like that their girlfriend is dumping all this on you.- is she doing it out of the goodness of her heart as she loves your son? I don't know.... You need more information to be able to make decisions moving forward. You are being a wonderful mum - look after you too
I asked him questions, he usually won't give me responses because he says he doesnt want to talk about it or he can't talk about it so i don't push him. I think I need to get him into a professional and see if he will open up to them.
If he won’t communicate with you, that tells me she is telling the truth.
Don’t send your kid somewhere when they won’t communicate!
I agree- something is off. Professional help might be the way to do. Big hugs x