So me and my boyfriend have only been together for two months or so and he found out a couple of days ago that a girl he had a one night stand with before we were together is pregnant. We live in the South Island in New Zealand and she lives in the North Island, he has said he wont be moving up there and will stay down here with me where our life is, flying up to visit the child when he can. He does want to be involved and one day hope i can too, the other women is very understanding and doesnt expect anything from either of us. He keeps saying im his main priority but i'm worried that this may be holding him back from truly being there for the baby, as i'm from England and we hoped to move there in a year or so i don't know how this will now affect our future. I really do believe this boy is my soulmate and I would hate myself for letting this go but I feel like i am at a crossroads. I want to spend my life with him but i dont know if this is too much for me right now as I am only 23 (he's 27) and not ready to be involved with kids. I have so many worries, if the birth of the baby will be too much, what his Christian parents will think, will they want him to move back up and resent me for him staying here? If anyone has been in any similar situations and if its worked out for them or not I could really use some advice because i'm struggling to know if i follow my heart and stay or my head and go
My boyfriend got his one night stand pregnant
My boyfriend got his one night stand pregnant
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage, Mental Health, Pregnancy, Baby & Toddler
13 Replies
So much to take in! First off, this is a two month relationship. That is tiny. A little too soon to be talking about where you will be living in a years time imo, with or without baby.
Being the partner in a coparenting arrangement can be so stressful, like it all has a massive impact on your life and it's decisions but you get zero say in anything. The choice you do have is to stick around and be willing to take on a step parent role OR cut your losses now and go. Personally if I was you with no kids and not really ready for this I would probably pick the latter.
This is such a difficult time. Honestly there are some hard choices ahead and you really need to think with your head here.
Firstly. You have no real idea if he is your ‘soul mate’ or not. You have caught big feelings, but 2 months in you barely know the guy. He may turn out to be the real deal, he may not. It takes a good 12 months to really get to know someone.
You should not be his priority right now. His child should be. It sounds lovely and all that ‘his priority is with you’ but think about that. Can you really respect a guy who doesn’t prioritise his kids. If he doesn’t prioritise this kid the chances of him prioritising any kids you have together are slim to none. Is that who you want to build a life with?
If he does step up and build a relationship with the child, you and he wont be moving to England realistically.
If your future is moving back to England then I’d be planning a future with out him. You won’t respect him if he does move and leaves his child in NZ and you and he won’t have a relationship with the child if your both move. That’s unrealistic to think it would ever work.
Head. Ready or not he'll have a child and any good man will man up and he'll move there. Whether he does that or not plans for England are off the table completely. Stay with your head here, it's only been 2 months, cut him free and find what suits you long term too. That's what dating is for.
What he's saying makes sense... for now. But if he's a normal, loving parent... you won't be his priority when the child is born (or getting old enough to interact and steal his heart anyway). There's no way he'll move to England and if he does, don't waste your time on him because he's selfish and unloving. Your life is in NZ with him now. That or it's without him.
Im sorry but I would be calling it quits. I highly doubt he will move to England with you, once the baby comes along.
Two months is not long enough to know if he is your forever person, you’ve barely scratched the surface.
You have future plans to go back to England, he can’t do that now.
So you either move the relationship forward, living in NZ and see how it goes, or keep with your original plans alone.
Good luck, very sad situation for all xxx
I’d walk away now... 2 months is such a short time for him to be opting out of living near his child and only seeing it when he can... This would turn me off him completely - you want your soul mate to be more interested in his unborn child than that!
Also you don't want to start a relationship under this kind of situation, lowering the bar and making concessions all over the place. Speaking from experience, it's very easy to lose yourself, and normal, and hard to call it quits when you've hung in for so long and put so much in to committing. Not how a good healthy relationship should be. Don't you want to hear him committing to his child over a brand new relationship?
Basically the same question was posted recently. I’d walk away. You’re going to be always second to this baby. This is a lot of baggage for a new relationship!! I’d run. Don’t kid yourself that you will be the main priority, you won’t.
Let him go. It's not fair on anyone in this situation for him to be an absent father, especially the child.
At 2 months it is so easy to feel like you have found your soul mate because you are still riding the high if a new relationship. You can't really know the long term survivability if the relationship for some time yet. I would let him go and let him be the father his child deserves. If you walk away and he really is your should mate you would find your way back together.
Two months is such a short time to be with someone however sometimes when you know you know. I knew 3 weeks after I started dating my now husband and we have been together nearly 12 years now. My advice is that neither of you is able to predict what will happy in the next 12 months or two years. You don't know how he is going to feel about being a parent once his child is here and neither does he. You don't even know how you will feel once the child is here. Being unsure and afraid of what's going to happen is normal and totally okay. No one knows what the future will bring and just because it's scary or unsure doesn't mean you should run for the hills. Take some time to move through your feelings, talk to him about what is on your mind, tell him what you had planned and ask him what his plans are and how he is feeling about it all. Then you decide what you are prepared to go through to make things work. You will be surprised at what you are willing to do and how your perspective changes when you truly love someone and want the best of them and yourself. The secret to a good lasting relationship is open and honest (even when it's hard) communication and working together to make it work. It's a hard decision you have ahead of you and only you can make it.
Run as fast as you can!!! Get out now while you can.
Darling girl, you are 23! It’s only been 2 months. Run like the f**king wind. You have no idea the hell that is coming. You don’t need that in your life.