I’ve alway been super close to my brother, we don’t live in the same town but that has never impacted our bond, I’ve always bailed him out of anything & supported him with life events (there’s been plenty of them) so his dating a woman 10 plus his senior not a big deal I actually thought ok sweet old enough to have her shit together, positive support for my nephew.... I come to find out she a functioning alcoholic & refuses to return to work... again I don’t judge I work in mental health and my brother is an adult. I’ve also been super respectful and welcoming. A few days ago I found out things haven’t been great between them blending the family the children are in their early mid teens and don’t go to school, one sits in the back room and smokes weed all day, I’m a pretty up front chilled person and I say to my brother this isn’t cool... your son should be put first as life being a parent is about your children and providing them with a nurturing safe home. So I say my piece to him directly and leave it. That day I find out they had a huge argument, ok I thought home truths got him trying to sort his priorities, nope apparently this woman knows people who knew me 10 years ago and I’m a shit person, that’s what the fight was about.. not my nephews well-being, not sorting out their lives and becoming the adults their kids deserve, me I’m a shit person because of these people she knows that knew me 10 years ago.
I was stunned at first, then I kinda thought ok I gotta get some boundaries in here quick before I get dragged into her shit and used as a deflection, so I made it pretty clear and said no Association, just you and my nephew I’ve come too fair trying to restore my peace after the impacts of working in a crisis driven field and covid so please don’t bring her anywhere near me.
My brother and I use to talk regularly, zoom Skype, FaceTime and games with my nephew now I can’t get anytime with him or my brother. I get having a girlfriend that hates me makes it hard for him to maintain that bond, I get my morals are different coz if my partner felt the same about him I’d be addressing that real quick and saying straight out no way not on you don’t get to disrespect my brother or the person he is.
Just looking for healthy ways to process this and deal any suggestions would be greatly appreciated and used! Thanks sisterhood
9 Replies
She was going to do it no matter who you are, its part of the MO. You were too close and on his side. Also think about this, he hasnt sorted her out for his own kid, hes not going to do it over skypes with someone out of town.
He is in an unhealthy relationship. His thinking is unhealthy and hes sacrificing good things to put up with bad and stay with her.
Its really hard to watch. Try to get him to come and visit you with the kids. Is it one of your birthdays soon, easter maybe?
Great response
You overstepped by interfering with your opinion. I know you mean well, but its their lives. Not for your input.
I think you overstepped the mark and just got too nosey. It's really none of your business at all what goes on in their home and I find it funny that you judged her and her kids and told them what for, but when it all came back at you you're like no I'm not getting pulled into their shit? You put yourself in there! Let your brother live his life without input from you. You don't need to approve of anyone he's with, that's his job.
Exactly!
Wow... been here, this is exactly her MO if your that supporter who pulls him out no matter what your a threat to her so distance must be put between you and your brother for her to continue this type of behaviour, good for you speaking to your brother about your nephews future! That’s what loving Auntie do. Like the first person who replied perfectly with invites to your town for birthdays ect. If he isn’t going to choose his sons future he certainly isn’t going to make changes for a sister that lives in another town
Just think this will be another life event soon enough in the mean time don’t let this take your peace. Brothers hey they will be the death of us! Can’t live with them and you can’t live without them good luck
You would’ve been better off keeping her onside, what did you expect the outcome when your brother told her you basically said she’s a shit parent? Plus where did you get your info from, gossip? Just like she got info about you. Would be a hard pill to swallow being criticised by someone with a shady past.
She’s made that about you being a shitty person. Try and meet with your brother on his own or message or if you know where he will be at some point. Tell him how much he means to you and you don’t want her coming between you both. He would know himself she isn’t good. Tell him you’ll always be there for him and your nephew but right now you will take a step back and wait for him for when he is ready to come and find you again. Make it clear you don’t want to cause trouble. He would know exactly what she’s like.
Unfortunately in laws can ruin families! I was always very close to my sister (we told each other most things) and she ended up telling everything to her narcissistic husband, then using things I’d said about mine against me. One thing I’ve learnt, keep your friends close and your enemies closer! In order to get along we really just have to show our mouths to keep the piece. And yes, it’s easier said than done most of the time! My relationship with my sister is basically ruined because my brother in law doesn’t want a Barr of us! It’s very sad