I know this will be long, sorry.
TLDR; ex husband is trying to control my life by not pre arranging phone calls and shows no interest in his son
My ex husband is in a different state to me. I moved states to be with my family when i left him as he was abusive.
We share a child who is now 9 (4 when i left him).
My ex husband does not message me to ask how our child is, he just messages on the day that he wants a phone call.
I use to update him daily on what our child has done, send pictures etc but he never said anything, never even “send him my love” or asking extra questions...not even a thank you.
During COVID lockdown (i’m in Melbourne) he NEVER messaged except for his phone call where he would message on the day at the time he wanted to call...this is a problem too, he knows what days he will call as it’s around his odd work roster, but he never gives me notice, he expects that i can just work out what days he will call and organise our life around this. I really have no clue when he will call, and our son does sports after school 2 days a week and we do like to have a social life too.
Anyway, back to messaging, he never once asked me how our son was coping with lockdown, he wasn’t doing too well, he struggled with not seeing his friends and while he is a very smart kid, he struggled to concentrate with school. His father never asked if during their phone calls could they do some homework, or reading together. It’s all left up to me.
i’ll do it happily, i adore my son and every moment i have with him is the best, but i want his father to show some interest beyond a phone call. The majority of their phone calls (approx 2.5 hours each time) is his father playing computer games (call of Duty, counterstrike and League of legends) he faces the phone to the computer screen and has our son watch these games (i’m against it, but he wont listen to me)
He says i am being unreasonable when i say i want him to tell me atleast 24 hours before he wants to call (to allow me time to organise early dinner and not book in plans to let our son have a play date after school) apparently i am not working with him.
I don’t feel like he has any right to try and control me (our relationship was all control) but he still is trying to control my life
28 Replies
Nope, not even 24 hours. Just say you can call on thursday and sunday at 4pm. Turn the phone on at those times for 10 minutes, if he doesnt call, turn it off again.
And tell him all communication with you needs to be through email now.
Boundaries are important.
I agree with above poster. You are doing everything so you dictate when he can call, when it's good for you and your son. Block him on your phone and buy a cheap one with no video calling capabilities. Take your life and control back
Why would he ask you these things if he can ask his son? 2.5 hour phone calls are kind of sweet, even if it is watching video games. My ex is battling to talk to his kids for 5 minutes. You're the one that moved interstate and you're complaining now at the lack of support you receive from him. I do think your complaint about no notice is valid, it would be a pain trying to plan your week when at any given time a 2 hour phone call could be planted in, but I don't think it's fair to give him certain days and 10 minute windows either. Send him his schedule for the week and ask him to please plan his call around it.
Read again, i don’t choose the days. He is the one that said he wants 2 phone calls a week. He works and odd roster (his shifts change weekly. So i have no clue when he is going to call)
I moved because he raped me and tried to kill me and the police wouldn’t help me. So tell me you would stay in the same state if your only support system was in a different state? Don’t be so rude and judgemental. I moved because of my safety.
Then why are you upset by lack of communication from him?
I have read and understood, maybe you need to read it again.
Wow woman, you asked in your post AM I WRONG. Someone has given you their opinion on here that they feel yes you are wrong and you jump down their throats . Don't come on here asking questions then if you aren't going to accept the answers humbly .
Also, he asks our son “what did you do today” and no matter what our son says he gets yelled at for umming and arring when trying to remember and gets frazzled and then goes silent. He has no idea what our son does, because if our son takes more than a second to answer he is in trouble.
If i could cut contact i would, but that is my sons choice
The problem is, while you wait for your son to make this choice, he's being damaged by his father piece by piece!
You need to step in and put an end to the phone calls if your ex can't be civil to his own child.
It is really that simple!
Mate hang up the phoen the minute he yells and turn it off. If it happens again then no phone calls. You teach your son how to treat people how to treat you.
You aren’t wrong about wanting a set time.
You’ve described it as a DV situation, you don’t want him contacting you. Trust me, the fact he isn’t contacting you except for phone calls is what you want.
Maintaining a connection from a distance is super challenging, it’s totally understandable that your ex would try and make that fun, rather than doing homework.
I think this is one of those situations where you are still craving a healthy, normal co-parent but this is probably him being on his best behaviour (to the best of his limited ability) and it’s probably safest for you not to have a high level of contact.
Like the person above me suggest. Send him your sons schedule for the term (sports etc). It’s ok to say the time he suggests won’t work and suggest another time.
He knows when our son has things on. He is just difficult and wants me to do all the work.
He plays video games with our son on the phone because our son wants to play pokemon cards (very easy to play over the phone) but he doesn’t want to do this. He spends most of the phone cal swearing at people (yes. He has his gaming headphones on) my son wants to talk to his dad, he wants to play games, not watch video games
Does your son actually like sitting there facetiming his dad's video games or is he just too polite to say otherwise?
My son's a huge gamer and I don't think even he'd wanna sit there and watch his dad play video games for 2.5 hours...
Does any quality interaction happen during these 2.5 hour calls?
I just know that my partner and son really get in the zone when they're gaming, I could tell them we'd won the lottery and they wouldn't register what I was saying. It's hard to carry a meaningful conversation whilst your concentration is elsewhere.
Give him a couple of options that suit you then tell him to work around it. As an example - Monday, Wednesday between 3.30pm and 5pm, Sunday between 6.30pm and 8.30pm. Then ignore him of he calls outside of those times.
Maybe you could also suggest more regular but brief phone calls, say half an hour calls a couple of times a week.
I just can't help but feel 2.5 hour sporadic calls must be a bit exhausting for your son.
My son doesn’t like it, but is lost definitely too polite as his father starts to yell and say how disrespectful he is for telling an adult what to do.
He wont call outside of the times he decides. His schedule changes weekly and is a mix of day and night shifts, so i can’t dictate calls. Its a situation that sucks so much. He has never been a good father, he is a shockingly abusive man to women but i wil always foster a relationship between them as my mother kept me from my father and i resented her for it. I believe my son will decide whether he keeps contact as he gets older, but that will be his choice
My son doesn’t like it, but is lost definitely too polite as his father starts to yell and say how disrespectful he is for telling an adult what to do.
He wont call outside of the times he decides. His schedule changes weekly and is a mix of day and night shifts, so i can’t dictate calls. Its a situation that sucks so much. He has never been a good father, he is a shockingly abusive man to women but i wil always foster a relationship between them as my mother kept me from my father and i resented her for it. I believe my son will decide whether he keeps contact as he gets older, but that will be his choice
It's all well and good to foster relationship but you also need to take your son's emotional wellbeing into account as well. Enduring abusive phone calls are not in his best interests, leaving this choice in the hands of a 9 year old is too much. You need to make some hard but necessary choices for your son and that may mean deciding if you want him to resent you for protecting him or if you want him to resent you because you didn't...
Your ex doesn't get to dictate to you!
If he chooses to not call if it's not a time he decided on - that is on him!
You're still allowing him to control you, it's time to enforce some very firm boundaries!
If it's that bad you need to hang up the phone as soon as he starts yelling and acting like a douche.
You need to take control and sort this out. Ten minutes is enouhh, when it starts lagging or as soon as it turns sour say we have to go and get ready for x and hang up.
Take control back.
Say No. Give him your schedule and set out times where it suits you for him to call.
Document everything! If there is any blow back you then can say you tried to set times or at least set boundaries with the amount of notice you require to facilitate calls.
Don’t buy in any further..
After reading your replies this is a much bigger issue than your original question implies.
1) are there court orders?
I’d Document the next two phone calls and then, seek legal advice but I’d be leaning towards minimising contact and cutting the calls short or even cutting contact altogether.
2) I’d seek a child psychologist opinion on these phone calls, take your documentation.
3) I’d request a third party supervise phone calls if they continue as they can cut them short if your ex is being in appropriate.
Remember the days when we had landlines and people would call us on them on the random and we'd chat to them? None of these 'booking in' issues exsisted. So much drama over a phone call. And you're far too caught up in what he should and shouldn't say and do over a call. Its their personal bonding time is it not? Plus you moved, not him. The only control i can see is yours .
The earlier you sort this out and pull it into line, the better it will be for you and your son.
Stop letting this man have such a negative presence in your life and mind, from so far away. Draw the boundaries. Dont be scared to do it, as the result is this - negative impacts on you for even longer. Speaking from experience here, cut it out fast!
The phone calls are too long, that needs to be nipped in the bud.
So....Now consider this....you don’t have custody of your own child, you hardly see them due to living interstate and then you’re told you can only call them per the other parents schedule. Imagine that, you can’t ring your own kid anytime. You can ring friends, family, but not the most important person, your child.
I would allow him to ring whenever he wants, having said that, if you’re out, the call will go unanswered and like with other people, he will have to call back another time. Same with long calls, if it’s been a while and you need child to shower, have dinner, you tell dad, sorry, child has to do such and such now. Just live your life, as you normally would, if you’re home, he calls, you answer. Pretend it is your mum, she calls, you talk, then you hang up. Telling a father when he has the right to call his kid, in my opinion, is wrong/controlling.
My advice, just live your life, accept his calls like anyone else and end them when you need to. Stop fighting about this issue, let go of control, live and let live.
That would be true in a regular functioning relationship. And it would work. Unfortunately you cant give an abusive person that access to you and inside your home, they use it to cause chaos and problems.
He’s miles away, it very simple, he gets abusive, you hang up the phone.
I was married to a narc, I get it, she’s giving him way too much emotional energy.
Coming on a forum about the phone issue, he’s knows this pisses her off, he feels the energy and tension he has over her. He still has so much power.
grey Rock him, act like he is any other person calling, call too long, off the phone Johnny, time for shower.
She has to give him nothing, no emotion, he’s just her kids dad calling.
No photos, no commentary, no expectations, he would love receiving all this and not responding.
She needs to let go of all expectations, it will not only deter him, when he can’t get a rise, but help her heal.
He can’t physically cause chaos so far away, with strong mental boundaries, they can’t cause emotional chaos either. The thing I learnt is they are just who they are, very predictable, you ate the one that has to emotionally disengage. It’s up to her, not him, because he will never change. The dynamic will continue another four years if she doesn’t change, she has the power to, she always has, she just doesn’t realise it.
If he could read this post, he would salivating.
All the angst over a phone call, the 4 year battle over it, this is what makes him feel strong and in control.
Every demand she makes that he refuses, makes him feel more powerful.
With no demands to deny, what can he do?
When she treats him as an every day jo, say bye bye Jonny, clink the phone, he’s going to have nothing.
When he rings and rages, clink, I will speak to you when you can be respectful.
Sorry, I know a lot about this, could write a book lol
It’s a circular argument that will never end, if she doesn’t disengage.
Op, I dare you to say to him, I agree, you’re his father, call whenever you want.
You’ve been fighting for years about this, what have you got to lose?
Jesus our exes could be the same guy. He refuses to give notice and then expects me to drop everything and run our son to him. Refuses a contact schedule and yet I'm the one who "won't work with him" because I've drawn the line in the sand and said it has to be set times and dates that work for everyone or nothing at all.
I'm still fighting the ongoing battle but what I do know is that reasonable boundaries are acceptable. In this case, expecting basic communication is a normal boundary
He is only controlling what you allow. Stop communication with him. If he rings and you are free then he can talk. If not he will have to call back another time. Carry on as usual and just let him ring and if you are busy you don’t answer. Just msg and say you are out. It’s not really that complicated. You are so used to being controlled by him. Put a stop to it now.