Hi ladies, I am pregnant at 43. This was a complete accident and I’m not sure what to do. Has anyone been in a similar position and how did it turn out?
I am married with two boys - 7 and 9. We were done. Happy with two, although I’ve always wanted a girl. I’ve just started a dream job.
My husband doesn’t really want it. He works big hours 9-9.30 most days Mon-Fri. He’s over the nappies and sleepless nights.
I’m 6 weeks so have to decide soon.
I’m torn but more inclined to keep it. I feel like both parents should want it.
Accidentally pregnant at 43!
Accidentally pregnant at 43!
Posted in:
Pregnancy
18 Replies
Wow what a surprise! I'm 40, if I were to fall pregnant I don't think I could do it but my youngest child is 17 so that would be starting all over for me. Your youngest is 7 so while that's out of the nappy stage and independent, it's also not that crazy to have a 7 year age gap between kids. I think you need to take a few things into consideration,
what your husband thinks is number 1 because you're right, for this to work both parents need to want it.
Number 2, your health and fitness. Can you physically cope with pregnancy, baby, toddler?
3, finances?
4. How a baby would fit into your life right now? Is it going to turn everything upside down or is it really not going to make much of an impact?
I have 4 friends who are in their 40s who decided to have another baby (or two) when they had older kids already. Not one of them seems unhappy about it and they all have that first baby gush. I don't think it will be something you regret if you go through with it but at the same time you shouldn't feel guilty for ending this because it's the wrong time.
You need to think about the following:
- if you continue with this pregnancy, can you do it as a single mum? I know there are so many people who say "Oh we had a bonus baby, and we were worried at first but now can't imagine life without them!" But there are likely to be plenty who were split on the decision and ended up separating because of it
- if you choose to terminate because of hubby's wishes, could you forgive him? Will you always resent and wonder what if? Will hubby make sure that if you do terminate, he takes steps for permanent prevention (vasectomy)?
- the risks of pregnancy and birth at this age - one of my besties is pregnant at 40 and despite being very fit and healthy, and having 3 healthy pregnancies previously, has gestational diabetes and will require a c-section at 36 weeks due to baby being very large and in an awkward position making induction vaginal birth impossible
Big hugs, it's a hard decision. I wish you the best, whatever you choose
No advice at all but I’ve been though it just recently.
I was 39 when I found out I was pregnant with number 4 with 10 years gap between my youngest and the pregnancy. It wasn’t planned at all and I tossed around the options, but my partner was so excited.
I’m now 12 weeks pp and couldn’t imagine life without him. My children are fantastic with him and enjoy watching his character develop.
Recovery was harder and I am very tired, even though he sleeps well.
Money is tight but it’s ok.
I think considering how you feel is important. Often for women there is a baby as soon as they are pregnant and they already feel that bond. I've heard some men say they did not come around until after the baby was born. You and your hubby could feel completely differently about this pregnancy right now but it may not always feel that way. I know someone who has decided to have a third as an older mum and she seems quite happy. There is no right or wrong answer here. Lots of talking to hubby about how you feel and what you are willing to do regarding the sleep to help around his work routine. <3
I think you could maybe benefit from a little bit of counselling about it? Figure out deep downs what you want whilst also considering what fits your family, your future and of course your husband. Also, and I say this gently, consider how you will feel if baby is another boy as there is no guarantee for a girl. Good luck with your decision x
While I think it’s important that both parents should want to keep it I think that if you’re inclined to keep it you should. I think you’ll regret terminating.
I’m pregnant with a surprise baby (number 4) and I couldn’t imagine terminating. Your love made this life and, who knows, maybe it was just meant to be.
Good luck with your decision x
Keep the baby if deep down it’s what you want. I couldn’t do it. You will regret it and this little gift will be a blessing.
I reckon he will come around. The sleepless nights will make you feel younger lol. It’s all worth it!
I’m about to have my third
Youngest turns 13 next month, oldest is nearly 15
Hubby works away on FIFO
I work full time
This was not something we planned
And our initial reaction was to have a termination
But we sat with it for a few weeks
And gave ourselves a bit of time to think it over
And after the initial shock our hearts changed . We told our older girls and they are over the moon
Please use the time you have to really think about what you want xx
My mum found out she was pregnant with my sister at 42 also an oops baby. I was 13 and my brother 10. My sister is now 17 and though my mum loves her to bits she has confessed life would have been so much easier if she didn't go through with the pregnancy. My mum is almost 60 and still having to deal with the teenage drama and tantrums and she has said she just doesn't have the energy for it like she did in her 40s with my brother and I. Having a termination is also not an easy choice. I terminated by 2nd pregnancy due to finding out I was pregnant in the middle of fleeing a DV relationship and I still sometimes think maybe I should have had the baby but most of the time know I made the right choice. You have a difficult decision ahead of you mumma I wish you the best of luck.
I agree with you. I am not the OP but she needs to think long and hard about this. She doesn't want to resent her husband for not wanting the baby or resent herself if she makes a choice that doesn't turn out right. The OP is only 10 years off of being able to enjoy alone time with her husband. Having this baby would move that back 18 years.
It is a hard one... do what YOU think is right.
#4 WAS coming, but we decided to terminate.
It IS the best thing we done ('IS' being the right thing to our circumstances at the time)
We spoke about it. Husband and I. We both were not ready for another nor wanting another.
In saying that we have 3 bubbys.
#1 pill baby
#2 planned
#3 pill baby
# could have been 4 was mirena
Does it hurt and is it hard each year of 'termination date' and possible 'birth' f--k yes, BUT it WAS and IS the right decision.
Think of health concerns for yourself at age too. Be honest with yourself.
Can you go through sleepless nights? Teething? Nappies? Fevers?
By the time you are retirement age your children now will be at age where they will potentially have children and you will then be able to help.
I am far from being an advocate for termination. BUT you do what is BEST for YOUR FUTURE and YOUR FAMILY.
Wishing you all the best in the decision you make.
Sending my love and thoughts. Xx
This did not happen to me but my cousin is about your age. 4 daughters, 2 granddaughters and 2 grandsons. She then fell pregnant with her 5th, she had a boy. I know someone else that also 4 daughters all teens, fell with a son about the same age.
I also have an Auntie 2 yrs younger than I am. My sons are 8/10 yrs older than my daughter but I was still about 10 yrs younger.
It is all up to what you and your husband can handle. You both need to be on the same page. But someone should not be forced into something they can’t handle. Living with a lifetime of regret and guilt could be hard. On the other hand your husband most likely (one can hope) love the child and treat it like the others. I don’t think we can tell you what to do but offer options and advice.
I had the same situation recently, after lots of tears we decided on abortion, but That decision didn’t come lightly the constant battleBetween lifestyle age etc and that nurturing mother’s side were at completely different ends of the scale..... BUT the final decision was taken from us as we miscarried just days before the abortion date which I am grateful it happened naturally rather then abortion emotionally
All the very best what ever you and ur husband decided
I’m 42 and would not even consider having another, I would terminate.
It’s also,extremely difficult to get pregnant at our age, get on contraception.
That isn't true for all women , some are very fertile. I know a woman in her forties that got pregnant 3 times none of them of purpose.
I had my youngest at 42. He is the most beautiful little boy and I honestly can't imagine my life without him When I found out I was pregnant I was so scared of how I would cope and manage a newborn. We were also living overseas at the time. In the end he was the easiest baby and we have an amazing bond. My eldest two were 7 and 8 when he was born and love him to bits. He makes our family complete and I can't imagine life without him. He is such a little blessing.
Forget age for a minute would you do it if you were younger? Is there any health issues due to age? If not does age make a difference? How would the other kids feel?
Forget who doesn't want it and reverse the roles and think how you would feel if he did and you didn't and also ask him to think how he would feel if he wanted it and you didn't.
Discuss scenarios and how it would make you both feel. What would this change? Can you adjust your life to cater for this? It might not have been the plan but can the plan easily change? Is this an adventure you can work through together?
I believe personally that even though I'm on birth control if it happened anyway then it was the universe telling me it's meant to be. Hubby on the other hand is adamant that it's not happening and if it did he'd get the coathanger. 4 kids from 14 - 7 and he's done with nappies and stuff and wants to be in a good financial position by 50 so he can enjoy life.
I understand your dilemma but you can't resent giving it up and you can't resent him for wanting to nor can he resent you for keeping it so you also need to think about how this would affect your relationship with whichever decision is made.
Best wishes for whichever journey you decide to take. I hope you can make a decision as a couple that suits you both.