Trigger warning. Sexual assault.
Hi, it’s been a few days of me working out details and if I was infact sexually assaulted. Which seems silly now, the fact I had to ask myself should have been enough. I don’t really know what to do. This is the type of story you read about and everyone is skeptical and placing blame on different individuals. You hear about it and never think it could happen to you. I’ve spoken to people about the events which got me to the situation I was in that night to get some idea of what happened. And after asking around (I’ve only told one friend about what happened and she wasn’t there that evening) this is what happened and I’m not quite sure what to do. I was that girl, the drunk girl at the party. I recently went through something and drank way more then I could handle. I did this knowing I couldn’t handle that much alcohol, I stated I was going to get wild that night because of the hell of a week I had prior, I felt safe to do so, I knew these people, they are my friends. I fell asleep outside on the outdoor couch around 1.30am my friend asked her brother to get me inside to the couch after trying to wake me with no success. He carried my unconscious body to the couch around 2am everyone else must have gone to bed not long after. I can’t remember well, I remember someone talking to me, but when I woke at 3am, I found my friends brother, between my legs, with my pants down, going down on me. I was in shock, it took me a minute to figure out what was going on and who it was. I said I had to get home, I got up, he asked if I want his dick inside me and I said no. I got my things and went out the front and ordered an Uber by this point I felt sober and was trying to work out what just happened. I never gave him any idea that I was interested. There was no flirting. No previous conversation that I can recall that I was remotely interested. He has a partner, a child, and another on the way. Whilst waiting for the Uber he came out as he also ordered one. I didn’t know what to say and all that came out was “that shouldn’t have happened” he went on and on about how he was leaving his partner and that they aren’t together, I wanted to tell him it was beside the point but I was outside, in the dark, alone with someone I thought I could trust and couldn’t. His Uber arrived before mine. He kissed me and left. I don’t know what to do. The way he spoke after came across as if he genuinely thinks what happened was consensual. It definitely was not. He carried me whilst I was unconscious inside an hour prior! I’m angry. I feel sick to my stomach. I feel like I can’t say anything or do anything, I’m close with my friend and the majority of her family, it will destroy them. Not to mention he is the son to a well respected police officer. He recently helped me 6 months ago get out of a house I shared with my abusive ex. I also feel like I can’t say anything because I was the drunk girl at the party. He’s the son of a cop. I’m the single mum with kids and he’s the family man in a picture perfect family. It doesn’t look good. I’m angry, I’m so angry, I can feel heat in my chest from the anger.
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6 Replies
First I just want to send you a huge virtual hug, secondly, I believe you wholeheartedly and this was NOT your fault. You were at a house party with friends. I would suggest contacting a sexual assault counsellor, to get the help you need and discuss your options. You have nothing to be ashamed of, I repeat, you are not at fault.
Also there is no difference, being drunk on the couch, to being asleep on the couch to being sick and unconscious on the couch. Don’t consider the alcohol as a factor. He’s a creepy predator rapist, make no mistake lovely lady. This is not your fault.
Youre overthinking all of it. The fact is you were asleep/unconscious and so therefore out of nowhere a man took off your pants and performed a sexual act he is well aware you didnt and were in no state to give consent to. Its simple, dont complicate it and turn yourself inside out worrying if youre wrong. Youre not. Speak to someone as the above poster suggested.
There is always the slim possibility that you were talking and responding and didn't appear out of it. I can do this. Hubby actually filmed it once because I didn't believe him. That would explain his behaviour afterwards. It's MUCH more likely that he knew you weren't giving consent and is a master manipulator. I'd report it and seek psychological support. You never know. Another woman might have reported him previously and you reporting it demonstrates a pattern of behaviour that allows action to actually be taken.
I was raped when I was 16 years old and passed out at a party. I got so in my head about being drunk and perhaps not doing all the right things I found a way to blame myself. 17 years on I have finally realised it wasn't my fault.
Interestingly enough I am now married to a well respected police officer, and we have a very young son and you know what? The reason my husband is well respected is because he is black and white, he has a strong moral compass and no matter who you are if you break the law there should be justice. He has spent countless hours getting convictions for sexual assault victims.
My advise to you is take alcohol and his family out of the equation, make a decision based on what's right for you. There's no harm in talking to the police about what happened and mentioning no names and getting their advise.
And furthermore as a daughter, sister, a mum to a boy and as a wife, I would expect any man in my life to be held accountable if they were to do something like this.
The world has changed, people are slowly being educated on what consent is and what it is not.
I hope this helps in some small way.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. Firstly you are not at fault. At all. He is a grown ass man who KNOWS what consent is. With all the education and resources out there he knows this isn’t ok. I just want to let you know that even if you don’t want to report it to the police you can fill out a SARO questionnaire so it is reported. If you decide late to press charges it’s documented. If you don’t want to press charges it’s still very useful to showing more accurate statistics. You can do it anonymously. Talk to therapist, GP who ever you feel comfortable with and most importantly be kind to yourself ❤️