I am at my wits end and I don't know what more to do.
I want to start with my kid with the tech addiction is an awesome kid. Kind, thoughtful, funny, does amazing at school, all their teachers love them. They do sports, scouts, swimming, rides their bike after school, plays with their younger siblings, active on our community, etc.
Now my issue. I will call my child B. B is addicted to tech. My husband is a professional gamer. It is his job. He used to travel around Australia, and internationally to compete before COVID, he now has a full time job and still does his gaming until he can go back to it full time, but at night when kids are in bed. I also game, but just casually.
So yes, gaming is a big part of our lives and our kids have grown up with it. However, none of our kids have any devices (including phones), we are very active outside of the house, our house is full of games, puzzles, creative play, etc. We are strict on content and amount of time spent on it.
B (age 7) has been getting up at minimum 3 times during the night to go onto the Xbox. It started with them getting up at 4am to sneak on then turn everything off and go back to bed before I get up (6am). Because we track what is used, we quickly picked up on this and explained that they can't be doing that and why.
No matter how many times we spoke about it and them saying sorry it continued. So we made B delete the game they were playing. The next day we caught B playing a different game. We started hiding remotes and controllers, that made no difference because they kept finding them and when they didn't find them, our house was destroyed by B looking for it. So we made B delete all of their games.
I put a password on their account so they couldn't get on. B last week, went onto my husband account, on an inappropriate game and messed with all the work my husband has been doing. This has cost him entry into the competition and us around $30, 000. Not to mention any prize money. He almost lost a sponsorship which is also a significant amount of money and also pays for his travel. Thank goodness he hasn't.
Grounding has made no difference. Taking away activities has made no difference. We have spoken to B's teacher, Doctor, school therapist, everyone I can speak to I've tried. We have also tried incentives, good behaviour charts. We used to do a Xbox night once a fortnight, with B, hubby and myself. We had to stop because of the epic tantrums that would happen when it was time to get off (even with saying stop after this round, or 10 more minutes etc)
B says sorry. Does all the waterworks. Then goes straight back to doing it as soon as our back is turned.
It's now affecting our 3 year old, who is watching B's behaviour and is now copying.
Tonight we put on a 2 step verified password on the Xbox and playstation. We also deleted their account completely.
To unplug the Xbox we would have to take apart a massive built in cabinet that is screwed into the wall. This cabinet holds all of our dvds, games, puzzles, kids books, etc. There is panelling that surrounds the tv. It is heavy and awkward. We would have to empty the entire thing (which goes from floor to ceiling), unscrew it, and then take the Xbox away. If my husband didn't earn money from it, I would have done this already, but it's just not possible to do this and then put is all back every time my husband has to work. We would literally have to redesign our lounge room, something we do not have the money for. For now they cannot access it. We have bought a lock box for the controllers to go into. I caught B at 1am with a knife trying to open the lock box.
Our neighbours called the cops because they thought there was DV going on, because of the trantrum B threw. I'm so embarrassed.
I'm hurting for my child. I'm scared for my child. I don't know what to do. I fear that this complete disregard will turn into something more sinister when B is older.
We are going back to our dr and I will be demanding that this gets taken seriously. B is up at midnight, 1am, 2am, 3am, etc. It is now affecting their school. B is tired and cranky all the time. My 3 year old has ADHD and is on the spectrum. B keeps waking up my 3 year old each time they get up. This in turn wakes up the baby because my 3 year old is a nightmare to get to sleep, plus the tantrum from B. I'm exhausted.
What else can I do?
I want to stay anonymous so I will answer questions on the website.
34 Replies
I think you need to find somewhere else for the Xbox. It needs to be locked away at night, literally unplug it and take it into your room at night. In fact I wouldn’t have it anywhere he can see it at all.
Taking him to a doctor is a total waste of time. Your doctor can’t fix this.
Your son is going to have some absolute meltdowns, while you work through this. About the only thing your doctor could do is suggest a sleep medication like melatonin to help your son reset his sleep patterns.
To unplug the Xbox we would have to take apart a massive built in cabinet that is screwed into the wall. This cabinet holds all of our dvds, games, puzzles, kids books, etc. There is panelling that surrounds the tv. It is heavy and awkward. We would have to empty the entire thing (which goes from floor to ceiling), unscrew it, and then take the Xbox away. If my husband didn't earn money from it, I would have done this already, but it's just not possible to do this and then put is all back every time my husband has to work. We would literally have to redesign our lounge room, something we do not have the money for. For now they cannot access it. We have bought a lock box for the controllers to go into. I caught B at 1am with a knife trying to open the lock box.
Take the locked box to bed with you. It’s going to be a hard road for a while. At the moment the moment he is going to try really effing hard to get around your security so you are going to have to be super consistent until he learns he cat get around it, and eventually gives up. It’s going to take weeks. If you can rethink the set up, I’d do that. Your kids mental Heath comes first!
My kids are currently bannee from xbox due to misuse. Its unplugged and locked away.
My 8 year old has been really angry, not to the same extent your son is, but definitely some behaviour issues due to him missing gaming.
Have you thought about just not giving the xbox back? Just make him go cold turkey and chuck the tantrums and deal the withdrawal and sending him to a psychologist for help with his anger and withdrawals?
We haven't given the Xbox back. B is getting up when we are asleep, and using it. We have locked the Xbox with 2 verification password, the controllers are now in a lock box.
We have a massive built in cabinet that is floor to ceiling and 4 meters long. It holds pretty much everything in our lounge room. To unplug the Xbox we would have to dismantle the cabinet, and have to empty it. It's not going to be possible to keep putting it together and taking it apart everytime my husband has to work
Thr xbox needs to go completely out of sight. An office for dad that he cant see and it gets locked and he has no knowledge about.
Keep your game in there too. And zero games and gamimg with him.
I would definitely be looking more into it as this is abnormal behaviour for a 7 year old that only gets a tiny amount of time on it.
I agree. There can be constant reminders when he complains for it "the xbox is for dad's work only".
My husband runs an online business. My kids want to go on the computer. We say no because its for dad's work. They complain. We say tough go play outside.
Your kids out of control you say hes addicted, your the adult running his world, take the xbox out of his life, who cares about cost and effort and your hobby.
Op here... It is not a hobby, it is my husband's job. He pays tax, gets super, the works.
The Xbox sits in a floor today ceiling, 4m long cabinet that is built into our wall. It's heavy, awkward and takes hours to put up and pull down. By the time we pull it apart, we will have to put it together again so hubby can work
Yes. Do that. Your son is very young and addicted to one certain thing. Surely as a parent you see the need to help him with it.
Can you put doors on the cabinet so you can lock up the xbox when not in use?
Sounds like hubby needs to ‘work’ in a locked office or garage where the kids can’t watch him on the Xbox all the time. My younger boy will happily watch my older boy gaming- it would definitely contribute to your 7yo’s obsession.
Sounds like hubby needs to ‘work’ in a locked office or garage where the kids can’t watch him on the Xbox all the time. My younger boy will happily watch my older boy gaming- it would definitely contribute to your 7yo’s obsession.
This sounds like way more than just a kid addicted to Xbox. I'd be looking into seeing a psychologist ASAP.
How are you reacting at 1am when hes using a knife to try and break into the locked box? I feel bad for you. You have a long road ahead of you. You need to stay consistent. Reinforcing the Xbox is off limits due to him getting up through the night to try and play it.
Op here
It's so hard. He only did the knife thing this morning. I took it off him and sent him to bed. This morning we talked about how what he was doing was dangerous and not okay. He knows what he is doing is wrong, but the compulsion is driving him to keep doing it. Everything we have done so far has not worked, which is why I am reaching out
It sounds likes a distressing nightmare for all. My only suggestion is seek professional support, keep locking those remotes away. Stay consistent and don't do family gaming time anymore. Find a different family activity away from the xbox and reinforce that the xbox is for dads work only and thats just the new family rule.
I don't mean to be harsh but your kid is getting up in the middle of the night, using a knife to try and break into a locked box in order to use the Xbox.
Yeah, your living room cabinetry might make removing the Xbox a bit of a pain in the ass but this has escalated to the point it's a safety issue. What would you prefer - a bit of inconvenience or your son potentially injuring himself?
I also think it's time for a referral to a pediatrician and a psychologist, I feel like this may be a symptom of a bigger issue.
In the meantime, disconnect the Xbox, lock it in the shed or car if you have to. Tell him it's gone so he knows looking for it will be futile.
Maybe have a chat with your neighbour and explain your current struggle so they're aware of what's going on.
And you may need to do some reconfiguration so that one of you can bunk in with Mr 7 to make it easier to intercept him if he gets up.
If you have to dismantle your entertainment unit, I think you should. My son is addicted to gaming and has ASD. We removed the device completely from the home. He sees a pediatric psychologist on a very regular basis. You have a problem now. I think it's time to be tough and take the whole xbox and every device away and put it somewhere he cannot interfere with. If that means offsite, then that's it.
Make sure he knows that it is gone. Don't explain where, just it's gone.
Tell your neighbors what is happening.
Get a referral to a pediatrician a pediatric psychologist.
I would say this is a really serious problem for such a young child. But then when I read your unwillingness to change I have to say I think his exposure to it has got to be mixh higher than youre saying, since its in the lounge and dad uses it for work and its impossible in your opinion to change that setup, and you use it as well, he would be exposed to it for hours daily.
I know that dismantling the unit would be a huge pain in the butt, but is there another room in thr house your husband's work could be shifted to permanently, assuming there is a lot more gaming gear and equipment involved, so the lounge room becomes an xbox free zone?
Also does your husband's work involve long hours of game play, especially with tournaments and events that would run through the early hours of the morning? I was just wondering if that may also have in the past interrupted your sons sleep or normalised gaming at night. I know if we are up until late and my kids wake up they come and sit on the couch assuming its morning 😂
Agree was also thinking about this. If hes first born what about his early years where he needs to be right there with you, how much gaming was going on then.
Stop all games that have guilds or require frequent play to progress for him. Stick to age recommendations.... many games are designed to flood the brain with serotonin to be addictive. Take the Xbox out of the cabinetry so that it's only used when hubby is on it and buy a safe to put it in otherwise. Make 1 hour of Xbox equal 3 hours of chores or homework or music practice etc. For every time he sneaks, he loses 1 week of all tech... no ability to earn it back. I know it's hard. My 9 yr old ADHD and ASD child was going down the same path. We stopped it thankfully.... But we jumped on it quickly and it was still not at all easy.
Your husband and you are leading by example. He knows no different. He sees Dad on it all the time and thats his normal. If you want your son to not think its ok to be up at all hours playing it you need to not make gaming such an embedded part of your home.
You’ve made every excuse in the world not to do what you know you need to. Lock it up. You’ve tried everything else. If he was an alcoholic or a drug addict you wouldn’t leave them out on the bench. Tech addiction is just as bad.
There’s honestly only one answer to this. Remove the thing the child is addicted to. If someone was addicted to drugs, you wouldn’t have drugs in the house, your child is addicted to games- don’t have them in the house. Who cares how difficult the cabinet is to dismantle. Who cares if it’s your husbands job (you said he works full time now so it’s technically not his job). Your kids mental health is more important. The Xbox would be long gone if it were me.
100% agree with this. Clearly your husband has an opportunity to pivot his career into the space he is working now. You’re living with a child who has an addiction but you won’t remove his access to drugs? You wouldn’t leave alcohol around an alcoholic. You need to prioritise your kids health and remove gaming from the home. That means for you too.
100% agree with this. Clearly your husband has an opportunity to pivot his career into the space he is working now. You’re living with a child who has an addiction but you won’t remove his access to drugs? You wouldn’t leave alcohol around an alcoholic. You need to prioritise your kids health and remove gaming from the home. That means for you too.
I haven't read through other comments sorry if this has been said before.
Could you add a lock to the cabinet? I would look into that and also come up with an agreement with B.
Say you can have x amount of time on the Xbox after dinner or whatever and then the lock goes on, even get him into the routine of putting the lock on at bedtime.
Could you lock the controller in your room? Tell him that's where they are kept so hopefully he won't destroy the house looking for them.
Honestly I think you need to remove your husband's work to another part of the house. Make an office specifically for his work, so it is separate to the family's everyday living environment. Put a lock on the office door so it cannot be accessed by him.
It feels like you're making an excuse as to why you won't physically take it out of the room when you know that is what needs to happen.
Your son is mimicking what he is seeing all the time, it's okay for Dad and Mum so it's okay for me.
Also I really think he could benefit from some professional help because this behaviour is not healthy for such a young child.
If this is your husbands job and he earns money then maybe it is time for him to put his earnings, winning or sponsorship money towards a workspace/room that is not the lounge room that the gaming machine can be locked away and the door locked.
I also ageee with seeing a dr and getting a referral to a specialist for your son
If my work was affecting my kids health I would quit and get another job.
Like seriously what’s more important?
Stop making the rubbish excuses and do what you need to do.
If hubby won’t quit his job then he needs to rent an office space away from the house and work from there.
If you are not prepared to do this then just let your son play when he wants to.
Find a new way to set up the gaming devices so they can just be unplugged. Or get a safe installed in your bedroom and put the controllers in there at night.
You need to get the Xbox out of the cabinet. I'm not exactly sure why you need to go to great lengths to get it out. Can't you just unplug and remove. But you need to remove it full stop. Difficulty getting it out verses your child's safety really need to rethink priorities here. I have 6 kids 4 game 1 uses the computer for YouTube and 3 have mobile phones ages (17-1yo) I have a strict rules and if they aren't followed than the xboxs are removed. The computers are locked down.
I am a gamer so is my partner our very expensive computers are in our garage where we have our set up. By no means are our kids allowed to touch them so they are password protected.
When and there has been times we literally can't be bothered removing the xboxs or teens need bans on phone the internet gets shut down or passwords are changed.
I personally think you need to organise a room for your husband be it garage like we do or bedroom etc but remove all gaming to one room get a lock and lock the door!!!
Speak to your doctor about helping with sleep my 17yo has bipolar and my 6yo is still undiagnosed but both are on melatonin for sleep.
When things settle down make a schedule so they know when they can game if you allow it. You also need to give unscheduled time for example we have 2 xboxs and one computer plus a smart tv and another 2 TVs with Chromecast. My 3 teens have a phone each if they aren't grounded. Friday night and Saturday night we don't have bed times except for the 1yo and the 3yo gets to stay up a little later than normal but teens and 6yo go to bed when they want and can do as they please except Sundays we have a no tech day and that goes for adults. School holidays same things my kids can do as they please except Sundays and last weekend of holidays so can get sleeping patterns back. They also know that if something is on and they don't sleep they will get grounded at the sight of miss behaviour due to poor sleep.
School days 2 hours nothing more on gaming phones are handed in 1 hour before bed and computers turned off and allowed to watch a movie. As our family councillor has told us takes 21 days to form a habit. Keep at a routine for 21 days get rid of Xbox for 21 days than start a new routine.
Good luck.