Am I being un appreciative or am I missing something Hello
I need help...am I being un appreciative of my partner or am I missing something....
My partner and I have been together more than 14 years, I have 1 daughter from a previous relationship
We started living together about 7 years ago
He is a FIFO worker, I used to work part time whilst raising my daughter. We now have 2 children of our own together, 6 and 3, our 6 year old was diagnosed asd spectrum at 3
The FIFO gig, has been a tough one, he did 4 weeks on with one off, now 2 weeks on and one off
He works hard and doesn't get much down time
He has done the FIFO our whole relationship but it has added a new element with an asd child, toddler and teen, I have not "worked" for 6 and a half years to look after the kids, keep the house running etc
Mentally it has taken it's toll on me, as I essentially operate as a single parent day to day apart from the money of course and a relationship/family a week at a time, asd son can be violent with me and is sometimes challenging.
He does not agree with how I parent as I don't of his stratagies either, I have my ways don't try and change it in a week. To get through I sleep with the kids now, otherwise I would get no sleep when he's away which has now crossed over to all the time. I know that is not ideal for maintaining a relationship but I have to do what I can just to make it through each day.
Anyway lately I've been realising and looking back over the years, he has often put down things I do, tells me I'm too sensitive, emotional, makes fun of things I like and books I read.
Last year I was so proud of getting a certificate for something I love, he was not impressed and told me it was a hobby, couldn't even pretend to share my excitement. I have moved to be together near where he works, my decision, unfortunately my teen decided to stay back with my parents because its remote and she likes her job and school. I got a job, a few hours a month, he still talks it down and he didn't congratulate me on it only made comments that i will have to wear sexy office skirts. A few months back when we were still at our other home, he didn't speak to the children or myself for a week, even though I tried to make contact, I'm positive it's because he didn't get what he felt was enough sex. If I need a little break from the children, he will often retaliate with when does he ever get a break, when does he ever get to see his friends etc, I then feel guilty
He told me last night he feels un appreciated and I just don't get how hard he works, I hear it almost every time he is home and I'm sick of it, I've never once down graded what he does and I don't feel like I should constantly feel sorry for him when we both work hard just a different hard.
He is ignoring me again, because I didn't want sex because I don't feel connected at the moment, I have voiced this. I have said things aren't good between us, I don't just want to switch off what is going on and have sex. I would like to talk it out, connect then maybe be intimate.
I guess what it boils down to is that it's not equal, he seems to view what he does as superior to me or that's how it feels.
I know he hates his work, I have suggested we do something else, like downsize so we could live a different life.
Maybe he sees sex as appreciation? Am I being un appreciative? Or am I just starting to find myself again?
Thank you
8 Replies
You cant make someone see you, and appreciate you, and it does a lot of damage to you to have someone like that as your partner. Your partner should be the person in the world that sees the best in you,that reminds you how much youre doing. To be honest it sounds like your life is unbalanced in lots of ways and youre busting your ass just to keep it all together but your relationship is adding more stress, taking the small peace you should have. I have no idea how or why on top of that you bother with a grown man that wants praise for working his job, and demands sex, he sounds self absorbed and like he doesnt see your life at all, just piling on the guilt, demands and stress.
I think it comes down to how you both seek and show appreciation.
I don't have any answers but all of our friends who have ever worked FIFO are divorced or never partnered to start with. Back when our son was very little we discussed it as an option but decided against it due to not seeing each other, and him not seeing our son for long periods of time. We decided then we'd both just work. In the long run our family is strong and financially we do better than the friends still in FIFO.
He doesn't seem to appreciate what you do, and probably won't until the time comes that he has to do it.
On the other hand I see where he's coming from too. Feeling unappreciated for the sacrifices he makes to earn the money.
I think the only salvation is going to be going to counselling as a couple to learn to communicate with each other better because he's not understanding what you're saying.
We got like this when my husband worked away. I told him he needs to leave his Job else we are over. We ended up renting our house out, he left his job and we went traveling with the kids. We now live in a different state and we are all very happy together with him coming home each night. You need to change this together and he needs to leave that job! It’s depressing and hard work for you being home with kids and it’s hard for him being away. You are both equal in this and both work hard. Don’t let him put you down any more. Stand up and make a change.
throwing it out there, have you ever thought about having sex every day, and then talk about what is going on? assuming you love him. Sounds like you both want a pat on the back for doing your job, both parties are feeling forgotten, used for tasks and under appreciated. So if you give in a little just see if you can reconnect, not saying his sulking is appropriate but i think having a competition about who has it harder is silly too. Good luck
Arghh I feel you, my hubby is 2/1 and we’ve been fighting on and off for the past year, it got physical on his rnr home recently, both sides to blame, and on his next rnr after that, I actually started to look at him differently, (I pushed him on the bed and he then pushed me to the tiled floor),
So we hadn’t spoken much about the incident and his first night home, I didn’t want sex and he got up, said I’ll fucking go have a wank then, and walked out of our room, he also takes steroids which doesn’t help his temper either,
Just be mindful if things escalate etc,
We’ve been together 23 years, we were the best of friends, never hurt each other and we have also worked together and loved it,
Fifo changes everything!! 😢😢
Maybe him being away so long he wants to connect with you and be with you and that’s by being intimate. I don’t think he sees you as a toy or sex object, I think the time apart makes him want you when he’s home. Take it as a compliment. Not all men are sleezy guys. We need to stop jumping them as soon as the wife says hubby. If he got home and never wanted sex and you did, everyone would be jumping on the “ I bet he’s cheating” wagon. You say he feels you don’t appreciate what he does etc but you are saying the same thing he didn’t applaud you on your award or job a few hours a month. I’m sorry but many women have kids at home to care for and you only have 2 and you chose to have them and you knew he wasn’t always around when you made that decision. I think you are making a lot of excuses to come off as the top guy here. Sorry I’m team hubby on this one
Did you miss thay part where he doesn't see her accomplishments as anything but a hobby? I wouldn't want to be intimate with my hubby if dismissed my achievements as just a hobby, made out my job wasny important as his or putme down with what I did or didn't do with kids.
Why should she take him wanting sex as a compliment when he degrades her in other areas?
I feel like I could have written some of this...