***possible trigger warning*** - birth story
Is anyone considering another baby but terrified of the birth process? Sorry for the length!
I lost the twin of my daughter in the early weeks, but following that, had a smooth pregnancy until I went in to labour at 31 weeks. I was given drugs to stop the labour and managed to hold off another week. On my 4th visit to the birthing suite, I kept saying I could feel intense pressure. Of course "well, you're having a baby" but after hours go by, they ask me have I been for a wee yet, hmm don't think so, put a catheter in and I have 1.2kg of urine flush out. I felt like I had had the baby, pressure was gone (then there was worry of bladder damage). A doctor finally broke my waters and she was born in under 10 minutes. I got to hold her quickly before she was taken to NICU. As a FTM, I thought it was over but then was told my placenta wasn't moving. The midwife used her hands to pull it out and it snapped (This was the most painful thing I have ever experienced) and I haemorrhaged. When they lifted me off the bed to take me to surgery, I felt blood pouring out of me. I begged them not to lift me again, and when they did, I seriously thought I was going to die. It happened again and all in all, I lost 2.2 litres of blood. After surgery, I woke to a quiet bright room with just the beeping of a machine and a nurse sitting next to me. I was in and out of conciousness. I thought I was dead. The nurse had to convince me I wasn't.
I was taken to HDU after surgery and told i couldn't go to NICU to see my baby till I could walk a few metres across the room. I couldn't understand why. And I couldn't do it. Every time I tried, I needed oxygen. It was all a blur but I think it was about 8 hours till I could do it. In that time, nurses brought me up photos of my baby girl and she didn't even feel like mine. I hate that those first long few precious hours were taken from us.
I'm terrified of possible loss, premature labour, haemorrhaging and another NICU journey with a toddler in the mix...
What do I do? Who can I see?
I was given no information as to why any of this happened and feel scared & clueless.
3 Replies
I'm so sorry you went through such a traumatic birth experience. I suggest you speak to your obstetrician about your fears and anxiety and about your need in seeing a psychologist, preferably one with experience helping clients through birth trauma. Xx
I can assure you the next one wouldn’t be like this. An emergency it’s always traumatic. Maybe the next one may just be what you need to experience and normal planned experience so you can get past this traumatic event. How awful for you.
This sounds very traumatic and no wonder you are terrified. I also had not a good experience at the first birth but no dramas with the 2nd. All the best! Please go and speak with someone!