I just found out on the weekend that my 14 soon to be 15 year old daughter Is pregnant.
I do not want her to go ahead with this pregnancy, I was a teen mum and I don't want that for her..
I asked her if this was planned and she didn't deny it.
Her and her boyfriend want to keep the baby.
I'm so conflicted, I don't want to push her too hard and have her feel like she is backed into a corner, she has a tendency to run away.
I will 100% support her either way but how on earth do I get her to see sense and agree to terminate the pregnancy. She's very early, less then 4 weeks.
Am I even doing the right thing by encouraging her to terminate? She's so young and has her whole life ahead of her.
This is a place where women from different backgrounds, cultures and beliefs come together to support one another judgement free.
17 Replies
Why would you encourage her to terminate her pregnancy if she doesn’t want to?
Isn’t it her body and her choice?
Women and girls forced and coerced into abortion often end up with complex mental health issues.
I wouldn’t push. I would discuss all options and all realities.
Sit them down. Get them to research rent, costs of living, get them to plan how that works and what that looks like.
Understand why they want this baby? Is it the baby? Or is it about other voids they are trying to fill.
Her body her choice. The more you try and control this decision the more she will dog her heels in. This is a step back and see moment.
I completely understand why you would want that, 14 is way too young to be having a baby. I know of a family whose 14 year old had a baby and she didn't last long with it at all and the parents are now raising her child. I had my first at 18 and even though it's young it's still a lot more mature than 14, there's no way I could imagine myself being a mother at that age I would not have coped. Get one of those newborn dolls for her to keep for a few weeks to give them an idea of what's involved in this. Take her to a child health nurse to find out all the things she will need to do to keep her baby healthy and alive. Tell her you will not be babysitting all the time, only every now and then so this will be a massive impact on their lives. Show them videos of natural births and what it does to your vagina and perineum especially one that's not fully matured. Take her on a walk through maternity ward to hear people in labour (this scared the shit out of me lol). It's not about swaying her against having a baby but making sure she fully understands what she's getting herself into. Good luck!
My heart breaks for you. As a mother you are only trying to save her from the extremely high chances of being a single mum & having a really tough life. Statistics show having kids that young in most circumstances doesn't work out. At 14 they are still kids themselves. I have 2 daughters myself & honestly would be devastated if they got pregnant so early on in life. We only want the best for our kids & for them to live out their younger years doing things that kids do. Having a baby so young will be game over for her. I think showing her the real side of parenting & what shes really in for is smart. At 14 she make think she loves this boy & vice versa but they are still kids themselves. Raising a child is hard even for an adult the stress is causes will be monumental for these young kids to cope with. I wouldn't wish that on my daughters either. I hope she sees the light & makes the right choice whatever that is. Unfortunately it is alot easier for the males to walk away & it happens alot sad to say. She needs to be educated on the reality of the situation not just the exciting side of having a cute baby because that moment will be very fleeting when reality hits & your alone with a screaming newborn at 15 years old. I think your doing the right thing as her mum, your being a great mum because you want what is best for her life like any mother should want for their child.
Oh gosh I can’t not even imagine what this would be like as a mum. Please get her into seek professional help to make decisions that is best for her. Not for termination but to understand the bug toll this will take on her life and what is to come. I think at that age they don’t realise what is involved. Support her but with the help of professionals. so very young.
Ultimately if she isn’t capable at a young age to look after this baby, you will probably be the one left with to care for it. She may well be very capable. Only you know your daughter. Psychologist would be a great start.
She is just a baby herself. You poor mumma. You need to stand by her side don’t come from an attacking point of view. Sit her down watch birth stories, talk to her openly with support. Tell her to think long and hard about this. Get her some councilling through the hospital. Let them help her and offer some guidance. How sad her life is only just beginning.
I know a few teen mums, and most of them are more attentive and active mothers then those who had children later. This doesn't mean the end for her, there are so many more resources out there to help support her. She can do distance education, once baby is a certain age she can get basicly free day care to finish school or go to tafe.
Heck yeah I think we all would do the same. I think some serious discussion about rent on units, bills, phones, etc vs cost of food shopping, public transport, kids needs.
Where does she think they'll live ? If its yours then she will need your permission as thats a huge ask and you know youll be taking on lots. Id be giving her a crash course in life right now because she wants to be a mother, she can step up and do the parenting tasks daily. All of it cleaning, laundry, cooking, meal planning, budgeting, food shop.
I was a young mum pregnant at 15. I'm 50 now. Looking back i believed i knew it all and i kept the baby. I suffered horribly with sleep deprivation and PND and was on my own. It was my choice to have the baby . My own mother was not able to help. It was all just too much for her. She already raised 9 kids of her own. I was mad at her for not helping. Looking back how dare i expect it. I chose to get pregnant, not her.
Your daughter wants the baby . So let her. She will learn to grow up fast . Her mind is made up.
What do the boys parents have to say about it? How supportive are they likely to be if they do keep the baby? Will everything get left up to your daughter (and you) if the boy decides everything is too hard for him to cope with?
Get her in to see a doctor to confirm the pregnancy. Get a referral for counseling, preferably with someone experienced in pregnancy and possible termination, and can help open her eyes to the reality of caring for a baby. Get a referral for counseling for yourself as well, so you’ve got someone impartial to vent to when needed but also to help you support your daughter whatever her final decision is. If it turns out she’s not pregnant, get the doctor to discuss contraception and safe sex with her to hopefully prevent pregnancy until older.
How does she plan to support herself? I’d be having a Frank discussion with her about responsibility and how much or little you are willing to help. Lay out your boundaries and be firm. Might make her see sense
Sounds like there is more to this story, why is she going to run ? are there other reasons she might not be a capable young mum?
What would have been different for you to have had a termination?
Kids who want kids, tend to want to be wanted, to have something that loves them unconditionally. Is your daughter immature? does she realise what she is signing up, like for ever, 24/7?
at the end of the day you can't force her to do anything, just love her and support her. Hope she is successful no matter her choice.
I completely understand your feelings on this. In my view, 14 is still a child. She doesn't have the thought process to thoroughly understand the repercussions of her decision. Which would mean it would fall to you to raise and support the both of them - does she understand that having a baby is not like it is in the movies?
I'd be having a "family" meeting asap with your family and his family together to speak about everything that is happening. Are his family happy and on board for this to happen?
I would sit her down and really lay the facts out on what being a teen mother entails and be frank the struggles (if any) you had when you were younger.
How does she plan to support herself and the baby - babies are expensive.
Is she expecting you to fund the both of them?
How is she planning on finishing school?
Getting a job?
Paying for child care etc.
My mum was a young single mum, and she spoke very freely about her struggles with me and the way she wishes things went for her/me.
Perhaps also a visit to family planning or a doctor may help her and you.
As a mum of a 14yr old I understand why your conflicted. I fell pregnant myself at 14 and my mum forced me to terminate. I live with the guilt everyday that I wasn’t strong enough to say no but I also now understand why she did it. If my daughter was to come home pregnant I couldn’t honestly say what I would do. I have done a little more to ensure it doesn’t happen and already have her on the pill (was mainly for period control but still effective to stop pregnancy). You know your daughter better than anyone and your already doing fantastic by being there and supporting her. Help her to see what her future would be like whichever way she decides to go. Good luck
As someone who was forced to have a termination all I can say is please don't force your daughter to do anything. Trust me the day my mother told me to terminate the pregnancy was just as traumatic as the procedure itself, because even now at 40yrs old what sticks is she inadvertently told me how much she regretted having me. And I hurt for that baby every single day. Please support your daughter in whatever decision it is that she makes.
I was 17 when my mum forced me to have an abortion. I went thru hell for close to 10years dealing with it and all the guilt that went with it. Ended up having my daughter at 19. I'm now in my late 30s and you know what? Best thing I ever did!!! Wouldn't have the life I have now if I'd kept that child!! In saying all that your daughter is going to make her own decision regarding this, unless you put your foot in it! My mum had manipulated and 'told' me what to do my whole life, I didn't see any other option. My heart breaks for you, 14 is still a child, as is 15. I wish you all the luck in the world hon.