Hello almighty kings and queens of wisdom and knowledge!!
Can you help a sister out?!
Back Story:
I am 16 months post separation from my ex husband. I have a beautiful new partner and he has the biggest………..heart!
You all thought I was going somewhere else with that one didn’t you 😏😅
But in all seriousness, he’s a beautiful person and loves me and my 3 young children endlessly. He does not have any bio children but treats my three as if they were.
The issues:
I’m not going to harp on about it, but my ex is a douch. Typical unreliable, inconsistent, unwelcoming, person who can’t deal with the fact he can’t control or belittle anymore blah blah blah. He’s nice to your face when he wants something then does a 180° when he doesn’t get it.
My partner parents these kids just as much as I do and just as much if not more than their father does.
My eldest son is struggling at school and is showing clear signs of anxiety. He also has ADHD (medicated) but is a lovely sensitive boy who lacks a lot of self esteem.
There has been quite a lot of changes at their dads house over the course of the separation and it is clearly taking it’s toll on all three of them but especially the eldest.
This breaks both mine and my partners heart.
The big problem:
I deal with all this the best I can, I’m doing everything I can to support my son, I bite my tongue for the most part with my ex because it’s honestly not worth the fight. I’m looking at and working towards the bigger picture!
My poor partner on the other hand is struggling. He’s struggling because he loves and cares about the kids so much and just can’t take seeing the kids suffer from their fathers short comings. He’s angry and sad and just doesn’t really have an outlet to vent or to nut things out. We talk about it but he really needs some better advice.
The QUESTION to the almighty brain trust:
Is there any Australian podcasts or audiobooks out there for new Step dads who are first time parents?
Thank you all in advance ✌🏼💚
7 Replies
He needs to step back and you need to make him do it. He can easily overstep because hes jumped in enthusiastically but he wasnt in the relationship that made the kids so he doesnt and never will have the understanding that a coparent has of why you have to do certain things and step back and make it work.
That decision is yours and his role is to support you. Its clear from what youve said and the way you speak that in a year hes already gone in way too deep.
It's been 16 months and you've blamed bio dad entirely for your kids behaviour due to changes at Dads house, pretty sure there's changes from both of you since ya'll split up and you have a new man who you're already saying is a better Dad than their real Dad.
He needs to back down. It is really none of his business what Dad does. Your eldest has ADHD that's going to be a lot for someone with no kids to take on, it's got nothing to do with bio Dad.
Please remember to keep your opinions on the quiet too, your kids definitely don't need to hear what you think of their Dad or that you think your new guy is a better Dad, it's still their Dad and it's the only one they have.
I assume the kids are with you much more than their dad, so the biggest change is having some bloke living with them full time, that isn’t their dad, no matter how “great” he is. It’s a massive change.
He needs to take a step back, how long have you even been together?
His opinion isn’t relevant, he needs to just support you not add more more stress on you to the point you need to find books for him. The only person you should be worried about is your son.
Take it slow, you haven’t been out of you marriage long, this guy may not be your forever person, he may just be your rebound. It’s very common after a split.
I agree with the others above. Your moving quickly. You need to have some self reflection on how those changes affect your children and therefore collectively the changes you have both made are affecting the children.
Many children with ADHD struggle with change and need to feel in control. I know my son does to the extreme!!
A new man in the house only 16 months after he lost the only family unit he has known!! And changes at dad's house while things get settled.
Poor boy. I feel so bad for him.
It sounds to me as if your son has reached a point where the feeling of having no control has reached its limit. Your son needs counselling.
Your partner needs to back off and pull his head in. He has absolutely no say in what happens with the children. He needs to stop trying to be their dad.
You need to keep your issues with your ex to yourself as does your partner.
Your partner needs to see a professional to talk to and get help with coping mechanisms.
No advice on podcasts or audiobooks but just a search on Step Parents and Blended Families on FB brought up many groups including - Step Parents and Blended Families Australia, Step Parents and Blended Families and Step Parent Support. Maybe one if these could be of some help.
I also agree with the previous posts saying family counselling and that he needs to take step back. Being a Step parent is hard especially when you don't have any bio children