Sorry this is going to be somewhat long!
My 9 year old daughter has a girl in her class this year and they seem to have in my opinion some what of a toxic friendship and this is very concerning for me.
It seems in recent months my daughter has become some what of a sheep and is making poor decisions (I've talked to her several times about making the right choices and the best way to deal with bad situations)
I've tried being understanding as her friends personal situation is not ideal ( parent passed away) but there is only so many allowances I can give her.
Recently the girls conspired a play date where they spoke to her friends parent who didn't follow up with a responsible parent at my end and left the school leaving my mother in an awkward position of not being able to supervise a play date ( I've told both my daughter and her friend previously they are not allowed to do that to my mother)
I had to phone the school to get them to contact the childs parent to come get her because I didn't have any contact info.
Any way my daughter is due to have a birthday party soon and has invited this child, given their behaviour today(and previous behaviours) should I ask she no longer attens (as I'm going to be asking the girls get separated as much as possible at school) or should I just let it go let her come and then begin the distancing? If I ask her to longer attend what is the best way to go about it?
13 Replies
So they planned their own play date and friend went home with your daughter to your mums, unconfirmed?
Honestly, i dont think thats the worst thing they could do.
They sound like friends and kids.
Pinning it on this point, (especially where your issue really focuses on the remaining parents lacking - which i think is unfair too)
but Id choose my hill more carefully.
Yes I would let child come to a supervised event shes already been invited to.
No i wouldnt involve the school.
Yes I would speak to my daughter about her poor choices and hoe how unsafe that was for the friend to leave school without any adult knowing where she was and who was supposed to be caring for her. Give her a rev and let her know she needs to shape up or youll have to separate them.
Maybe state politely to the girls parent that due to them getting into trouble together and past behaviours that consequences are that your daughter has to limit guests at her party the girl been one of them.
Uninviting someone from a party can be tricky, but with the right approach you can minimize the risk of conflict and ensure that your party is still a success.
If you feel uncomfortable, I would suggest that you still go ahead with having her at the party and distant from there..
Don't uninvite the kid, fair enough if invites hadn't already gone out but she has already been invited. There's not many instances I'd consider asking a previously invited kid not to come, this isn't one of them. In a way you're taking it upon yourself to punish your daughter's friend for something she's not solely responsible for.
Besides that, being uninvited from a friends party at that age is likely to crush her self esteem!
I'll also say, removing your daughter from this other girls influence will only solve half the problem. If your kid is easily lead astray, it's only a matter of time before she finds someone else to follow.
So girls excited to be friends arranged a play date with the parent and your mum? Sorry, but a] this is normal kid behaviour and b] if anyone was going to stop it, it should have been your mum. Talk to your child about play dates being weekends and arranged with you...but I'm not sure how this friendship is toxic or why the girl is getting such harsh judgement rom you. I feel really sorry for her to be treated that way by an adult. You shouldn't be cruel and uninvite her from the party... But you do need to get help yourself so that you can be a person that doesn't target your child's friends.
I don't really understand what the girls did wrong with the playdate?
So your mum was baby sitting your daughter and the girls organised a play date while your mum was in charge?
If their behaviour today, and previous behaviours have been so bad, perhaps cancel your daughter's party. There is her consequence for her choices. What your planning, is to disipline someone else's child by excluding her from a party. And to a nine year old, thats just really mean.
Besides, Whats that teaching your daughter about her own choices of behaviour? She can blame someone else and get out of trouble?
I have a 10 year old daughter, like yours, she's also a bit of a follower and she doesn't need much encouragement from her friends to do silly things, so I do get the challenges and frustration that can come from that.
Her group of friends are really pushing the boundaries lately and one of those friends has an absolutely volatile home life (dad in and out of jail, drug use, abuse, CPS involvement).
Irrespective of all that, if my daughter does something wrong, influenced by her friends or otherwise - the only person responsible for those choices is herself!
I don't care if "Sally told me to" or if "everyone else was doing it".
It's easy to blame other kids but if you continue doing that whenever your daughter is equally to blame (such as the sneaky after school playdate and presumably other similar incidents where your daughter was a willing participant) your daughter will head into her teens accustomed to not being held fully accountable for her actions and that will create a much bigger issue.
If you withdraw this other girls invite you're teaching your daughter how to pass the buck, because she still gets to have her lovely party and all her other friends get to come celebrate while this other girl takes the full brunt.
There's also the fact that uninviting kids to a birthday party just isn't a good look, it doesn't exactly paint you in the best light, especially considering the girls circumstances.
Perfect advice! ❤
I'm sorry but no. Punishing a child like this is so cruel. There is malice in this and it's not nice at all. Your daughter will learn nothing positive from this experience at all. Punish your daughter too then - cancel the party altogether.
I was your daughter's age when I did something similar with my bestie at the time, a little boy. Only we didn't tell ANYONE. And we copped HELL for it (helllllo 80s). But our respective parents didn't separate us. They didn't call either child toxic or bad. I'm 40 and we are still friends, although live in opposite sides of the world.
May be look closer to home. At your own child and how you can help her thrive?
I would recommend cancelling the whole day.
When I was younger; my best friend at the time and I were the toxic trouble making girls. Her parents let her get away with murder(so to speak lol)and my parents were ULTIMATE hard asses.
We conspired SO MUCH and did/got away with SO MUCH MORE.
Our mums were best friends at the time, and we lived 2 streets away from each other.
I had a similar issue with my daughter about a year ago when she was 8. She became friends with a new girl in the school and this girl had a lot of issues outside of school that affected her behaviour in school. The other children started avoiding this girl and my daughter
was miserable but wanted to be a good friend so this girl clung to her. It felt like an abusive relationship. Honestly, we were so close to moving schools but in the end the girl was removed from school to be home schooled. Her guardians tried to meet up with us for playdates and I ghosted them in the end. I feel for the child but I couldn't help her (and was dealing with a lot in my own life) and felt like I would be a bad parent if I let my daughter continue this friendship that was affecting her so badly. Even now my daughter struggles with friendship at school because the kids she was friendly with moved on to other friendships and she picked up some bad habits (plague lockdown didn't help). I would suggest helping her to build friendships with other kids too, arrange playdates etc. Talk to her about friendships, find some good books on it. Let her friend come to the party just because it's so soon but then start putting some distance between them. I have no real advice but I wanted to let you know that there's someone out there who understands.
Thank you for your comment.
Im very much in the same position I've just got so much on my plate as bad as I feel I just don't have it in me to help this girl deal. Its not my job. My job is to protect and guide my daughter. As it happens with covid her party has ultimately been cancelled. We have talked about setting boundaries with friends and that it is ok to say no and that if anyone has a problem with that or is mean to her for having boundaries and saying no then they are friends she can do with out.
I would let her come then begin to put some space between the girls.