Help! Step parent issues
Long story short - I have a son from a previous relationship. We separated before my son was born. I met my now husband when my son was two. I now have two children. My first son is now 9.
Mr 9 and my husband are clashing. Husband seems to think Mr 9 refuses to have anything to do with him because Mr 9 is not chatty with him. However, I’m of the opinion that husband is the adult and needs to start/lead the conversation and ask pointed questions to negate one word replies. Husband claims it’s a two way street and if Mr 9 makes no effort than he won’t either. Husband takes this very personally and thinks Mr 9 not talking to him means Mr 9 hates him. Husband does not understand why Mr 9 talks to everyone else but him. I think the problem is husband never engages Mr 9 or does any activities with him. When husband does talk to Mr 9 it’s always to tell him to do something. I’ve pointed this out many times to my husband but am getting no where
I cannot live like this.
4 Replies
You are right. There's no 'clashing' with an adult and a child. Adult has to figure it out. You can help, but it sounds like you are, he just doesn't want to listen.
Your husband has been in Mr 9's life right from very young, so they should really have a normal parent/child bond by now if your husband had made the effort when he was a toddler. By the sounds of things he hasn't. Your son can sense being treated differently than his sibling, he would be able to sense the coldness and reacts the same way. I don't think it can get better, heading towards the teenage years this is going to get worse. You are right, you can't live like this and neither can your son.
Could you recommend to your husband to some one on one activities with your son? Also maybe you could encourage convo at the dinner table or something ?
It's not like it's a fresh relationship so if it has been like this the whole time it's possible it has been left far to late to fix, your husband really needs to man up maybe you need to tell him if he can't fix it, it may come down to needing new living arrangements because you need to put said child first.
Your right in thinking it an adults responsibility to foster relationships..not the child...he needs to engage him in the child's interest as they are probably very different personalities..I had the same conversation with my husband about my eldest who wasn't his bio..he found it difficult to find common interests with him as he got older and I made it clear he needed to follow the child's lead around interest if he wanted to bond with him..we got together when my son was 3. It wasn't easy but they have a great father son relationship now. good luck!