Hi,
I’m just wanting advice on how to deal with my mother. Since having my first baby (her first grandchild) she has become so entitled and believes she can visit (live in different towns) whenever she wants without asking because “it’s my grandchild”. They book hotels without even consulting us. On this occasion, we told her she couldn’t visit as we already had other family coming on the same dates. She has now become very nasty and emotionally black mailing me. And to add - she always bring her husband who makes jokes to my baby saying “you have such a bad Mum” etc. and these things really cut me down as a first time mum. I don’t know how to handle this situation. She’s been telling me she’s been crying for days because she can’t come to visit. There’s also issues with my husbands family apparently coming first and sees everything as a competition. She also doesn’t respect any of our rules for our child. She just tells me how things are going to be and doesn’t ask.
It’s really starting to take a toll on me.
19 Replies
I have the worlds smallest violin playing just for her.
When she says she's been crying for days because she can't come over - that's the time to drive your message home.
"I'm sorry you're so upset but to be honest I cry everytime you come over, and for weeks after. You're rude, inconsiderate, you both talk down to me and bad mouth me to the baby, and completely disregard household rules. I need space from the constant combat, and I'll get back in touch when I'm ready."
The only way to deal with people like your mum is limit contact with them. She can cry at home all she likes. But you don’t and shouldn’t listen to her ridiculous complaints, demands and manipulations.
Luckily with modern technology it’s pretty easy to block there calls on your phone and social media.
Let them go with out contact until they can accept that you are an adult, and won’t put up with there entitled, manipulative behaviour.
I would probably put a stop to them visiting permanently, because people like your mum struggle with boundaries. If you do want a relationship with your mum, it will need to be you visiting her.
I think you should tell her straight now to nip this in the bud for the future or you will be forever dealing with this crap. Tell her via text or email so it's clear and you don't crumble to her emotional blackmail. Like this-
"Mum you are a part of our family, we love you and love having you in our lives but you need to realise we are our own family now. We need our space and we control who and when we have people visit us, just like you do. You have to arrange dates to visit us. You have to respect the rules we have for our child. This is not negotiable. Thank you."
If she keeps going you will need to start limiting contact for your own sanity!
So they are considerate enough to book a hotel?
They don't expect to stay at your house?
Are the visits too long when she comes over?
I can't imagine my mum paying for a hotel and not making time for her to come over.
I think you need to sit her down and set out some ground rules, but please don't completely turn your back, she sounds like an overly excited grandmother, trying not to overburden you and stay somewhere else.
The opposite, where they don't give a stuff isn't great either.
Whenever my mum comes alone, she always chooses to stay at my house. Whenever she comes with her husband, they book a hotel. Even though we just built a new and beautiful home, he hates staying at my house cause of our dog or noise. There’s always an excuse and he HATES not getting his way. I’d like them to stay so they get more time with Bub.
For example: my babies first birthday is coming up and in the midst of this fight about not being able to come up she says “yeah well me and your brother will be staying at your house for bubs birthday no questions asked”. We have a lot of family coming for her birthday. So too bad to anyone else travelling as well.
And it’s not that I won’t make time. It’s that the other family members (hubby’s side) have been planning this trip for 2 months with their two small children who are staying with us and we have planned so much stuff with them. Mum made her decision to come up with no notice or consideration of plans we already had.
She books hotel(s) or had booked 'a' hotel. If other family were coming on the same dates, why can't she have a visit and a cuddle too? You are picking favourites. It does look like you are deliberately excluding her. Like you said, it's her first grandie. You could be overly hormonal and that is totally normal. Pick your battles.
Definitely not picking favourites. We have been organising this trip with the other family for over two months. They both took time off work and hubby took time off work to hang out with them, they have two young children and are staying with us. They are only coming for two nights and we have booked and organised lots of fun things to do with our kids. My mum made the decision very last minute to come up at the exact same time. My mum will always stay at my house if she comes alone but if her husband comes too, there’s always an excuse as to why they can’t stay at my house.
And I’m not hormonal. Im exhausted and figuring out how to be a mum to my first child, while working and with limited support.
I just think my mum should be a little bit flexible and realise we have a life. And come up when we are able to actually spend quality time together. Not drive 8 hours for a 1 hour catch up.
Limited support?
Your mum is trying to support you.
She's enthusiastic, eager.
When she comes, leave her with bubs, have a long warm shower or bath, take a nap, sit outside with a cuppa and magazine.
Those little things make all the difference.
Take advantage when she comes.
I'm not the OP but let me just say that physical presence and support aren't always the same thing.
My mum is around. Frequently in fact. Supportive is absolute last way I'd describe her.
Trust me, it is not support. They want to see their grandchild and that’s it. It’s like me or my husband don’t exist.
I really get where you are coming from and if my mum came alone, I would honestly love to do those things. But I struggle with trust due to childhood trauma. The decisions I make are purely to do with wanting what’s best for my daughter.
Great, let her nurse bubs and you do all the stuff you haven't been able to.
Did you have a good relationship before you had the baby?
Okay, you've modified your comment, I get it.
Sounds like it's a lot more than mum visiting at inconvenient times, you have a lot of baggage there.
Good luck, I hope you find a solution xxx
People can be so demanding and self centred when it comes to new babies!
I don't have a great relationship with my mum but even if she was like my best friend, I would still find this really over bearing, inconsiderate and manipulative.
Actually, my partners step grandmother did this when our first son was born. She came to our state to visit our son without even asking if it was a good time (mind you I'd never met her before and my partner had very little to do with her either), which I guess she had the right to do, I can't exactly tell someone they aren't allowed to travel to our city. She did thankfully stay with other family but she spent every waking moment up my ass, criticising my every move literally down to the biscuits I chose to buy in my grocery shopping 😂
You know I enforced some fucking boundaries the next time! Funnily enough, there wasnt many visits after she realised I wouldn't indulge her nonsense.
I don't know what your relationship was like with your mum pre baby, either this sense of entitlement isn't new or it's just a result of her getting carried away in all the excitement - my advice is depends on which of the categories your mum falls into.
Oh my goodness, that sounds horrendous.
My mum and I have had a challenging past. Her husband kicked me out of home when I was 14 once Mum and him had their own child and I started being treated like crap. My grandparents wouldn’t stand for it and I moved in with them. I think I’m starting to realise I might be holding onto some grudges.. But I’ve put in strict rules and boundaries that they are all offended by. But I just promised myself and my child that she would have a very different upbringing to what I did. It makes me sad but I think mum has started taking on a lot of my step fathers behaviour. And that’s worrying. So I’m thinking the entitlement is new since having my baby.
Thats kind of what I suspected xx
You put whatever boundaries in place that you feel are necessary for your own sanity and don't for a second feel bad about it! Let them be offended...
Your mum has a lot to answer for, she's exceeding fortunate that you even allow her to be a part of your life in any capacity given what went down when you were a kid.
My mum is similar to this. Tells me what to do all the time, never a compliment. Cut everyone off and enjoy this time to yourselves for now. Set her straight and keep her at a distance until she can change. How dare her husband say that to you. You are not a bad mum. Do not listen. Tell your mum, you aren’t happy and you don’t need their criticism. Have limited contact with eveyone and enjoy the time as a new mum. Don’t let them ruin these precious times.
Regardless of whether her intentions are to be helpful or not, you told her you were unavailable due to in-laws visiting prior to the hotel being booked. I think you need to be honest that the visits are stressful for you. She either offers to change what she does when visiting to support you or you tell her not to come. Can you use delta covid as a reason? It's equally contagious to children so I'd be careful with visits and a baby regardless.
In a healthy relationship a mum wouldn’t behave like this.
If I told my mum, now isn’t a good time she wouldn’t take it as a personal insult and wouldn’t guilt trip me like this.
She’d act like a grown up, say that’s a shame, and ask me when it would be a suitable time.
Went through this with my mil.
You just have to remain firm on your boundries, including what her husband says.
Put it in writing so you can refer back to it.
You can't jazz up what you say either. Just straight to the point..
I want you in my and my child's life, these are my expectations for everyone, I want a REQUEST with x days notice. If the days dont suit me I will arrange another time with you. I dont want to hear that you are upset if I say no or suggest another time.
Your husband must not call me a bad mum to my child, no matter what age they are.
Good luck!