I have a long time friend who diminishes the feelings of others because they weren't sexually abused like he was as a child. I (and others) have spent years gently guiding and supporting him to get professional help. He has seen several professionals over the past few years and this behaviour has gotten worse, to the point where I don't know if my mental health can withstand the friendship any longer. I'm reaching out for any advice or suggestions on how else I can support and help him without risking my own wellbeing. TIA
2 Replies
Sometimes you just have to step back.
My ex was like this. Nobody could help him enough and he felt that his abuse gave him a free pass to treat people in deplorable ways, but if I or anyone else made the slightest mistakes we were the biggest assholes on earth, and he’s never let you forget it.
I tried so hard to get him to therapy and he’d go once and drop out. I burnt myself out and ended up having a nervous breakdown. He’s burnt through so many friendships and I’m sure in his mind it’s our fault.
I just had to put myself first. I have kids to look after and I can’t set myself on fire while I watch someone else burn, cause I sure wasn’t putting his fire out!
As shitty as it feels to do and as badly as it'll likely be received, the best thing you can do for your friend at this point is to hold him accountable. Be honest with him and say "I care about you a lot but until you get a handle on your behavior, for the sake of our friendship and my wellbeing, I can't be around you. I hope you'll reach out to me once you're in a better place".
People don't get the help they need whilst they're being enabled, they do once the consequences of their own behavior catches up to them and they come to the realisation that have no one to blame but themselves.
It's hard to watch and it can be really hard to distance yourself from a friend who's not in a good place but sometimes it's necessary.