Trigger warning. Potentially DV related.
Ladies, I love my husband. I do. He has depression and was medicated however stopped taking it because it gave him bad heartburn/chest pains.
I always intended on standing by him and supporting him, encouraging him to get better and live his best life but F### I'm so empty and am now questioning if I'm depressed due to his constant mood.
One of the biggest factors that makes me 100 want out is that he can be quite cruel to me. I think it's because he's trying to make me feel the way he feels. Over the past year or two he has told me that he isn't attracted to me, that he is repulsed at the thought of sleeping with me and that I'm "not a mothers asshole"
When i did tell him that I was beginning to struggle mental health wise, he told me to go cut myself. I actually became pregnant and hoped he would change. Don't get me wrong, when he is good, he's great, loving, kind, wonderful...but then as soon as he is slightly inconvenienced or something irritates him, he spirals. During my pregnancy he told me that he hoped that I would die during delivery. I nearly did. I can't get past his hurtful words and they're constantly lingering in my head.
We have just separated a few days ago because I just can't do it any more.
Someone just mentioned to me that this is domestic violence. I know DV comes in all shapes and forms but would you agree this is a form of violence? It doesn't sit right with me. He really isn't a bad guy and I love him. I'm too scared to talk to friends because I don't want them to think of him as an abuser.
Any advice? I'm so lost right now.
16 Replies
Yes it is.
Whether it's deliberate or a dysfunctional side effect of his own mental health doesn't change what it is.
You've taken the right step, it's on him now to sort his shit out and see if you can forgive or if it stays done done.
Hugs. You're worth a lot better than he had you believe. Are you seeing someone yet to get the skills to get your head back in a good place? If not, do.
It's mental abuse. It's the abuse that can go on for years without knowing because he's not beating you up. It can be even more damaging though. My ex was mentally abusive during our whole 13 year relationship, he also physically punched me twice, pushed me around countless times in the relationship but it's the mental abuse I still have trouble with today, 8 years after breaking up. Don't underestimate and think it's not DV just because he's not hitting you.
This is 100% verbal and emotional abuse which is domestic violence.
The term domestic violence I think needs to be scrapped and just called by the one universal term that it is - ABUSE. The word violence kind of implies that DV is only physical, which leaves a lot of victims sating "we'll I'm not being hit so it's not DV".
It can be physical but it's certainly not limited to just that.
It can be psychological, it can be financial, it can be sexual, it can cohesion, manipulation and control, it can be a combination of all of those things - it's a broad spectrum.
I really urge you to call 1800RESPECT, that way at least you can talk to someone but I also encourage you to talk to your friends, you'll need that support.
Take care ❤
Yes, this is a form of domestic violence.
Please don’t go back to him.
Verbal abuse is abuse and a form of violence.
Abusers rely on you to keep the secret, they often act like a great guy in public and there worst behaviour occurs behind closed doors. So many victims keep the secret because they don’t want to change peoples opinion of there partner/ex.
All abusers can have a nice side, that’s how they keep you in the relationship.
Stop making excuse for him. He wanted you to die and you are standing by him. Boohoo poor him. What about you and your mental health. He obviously doesn’t care. Yes it is DV don’t be ashamed. The sooner you admit that to your self and stop hiding it from others, the better you will feel. Move on and be free of this pig! Start thinking of you! Stop thinking of him. you come first and your kids. He can go sort his own help while you focus on yours.
Does it need a label? He's been callous and mean. I'd probably refer to the behaviour rather than use a label if someone asked what happened. That wouldn't in any way be me undermining the horrible situation, but I just wouldn't use a label that implied I was a victim, even if I was. But if my friend in the same situation used that term, I wouldn't disagree.
Yes it does, anything that demeans a person and attacks their confidence is abuse. There are many groups out there trying to bring awareness to all forms of abuse in relationships. That is the only way things are going to change. There are people out there that don't realise what they're doing is abuse because they act the same way their parents did, they are never going to get help if they think they are just being 'mean', that just needs sorry not help to change.
I agree. The labels "domestic abuse" or "DV" or "family violence" are necessary! They put the behaviours into perspective for not only the victim, but also the perpetrator.
But I also understand what you mean. If the OP doesn't feel ready to open up to her friends and family about the DV, she can say he was being really cruel. Howevrr I strongly advise you reach out for support from your friends and family xx
My point is that if she doesn't find the label helpful personally, she doesn't need to use it. After all, the education is about identifying abusive behaviour and not justifying/accepting it, not a grammar lesson. The OP has done that. She's said it's unacceptable.
Whether she refers to it with a broad term that can refer to a wide variety of issues or chooses to call out the specific behaviours relevant to her situation is not important. She's standing up for herself regardless. And if this helps her heal, so be it.
It's better than her not seeking support she needs because she doesn't want to be seen as a victim. Let her stick to factual language. "When X happened, he would respond like Y and it made me feel like Z. That's not what I want for my life". And if she only says that to a handful of people for the help she needs, so be it. Let her shift her focus to what she needs now... Friends, a job, custody, accommodation, whatever the case may be.
Just because he's depressed doesn't mean he can behave like this. My husband has been depressed for years, but he never swears at me or shouts at me. He completely appreciates all the things I do to keep our world functioning while he can't. Get rid of the excuses and you know it's abuse. I'm so pleased you've got away. Seek some counselling for yourself and your children and start rebuilding your self-worth. You've got this mumma! x
I understand. My ex had mulitple mental health issues. He was abusive like your husband. He refused to get treatment. During our family court proceedings, he was court ordered to recieve treatement. He still refused. Made all the excuses in the world why he couldn't/wouldn't. The court wouldn't allow him unsupervised access to his children due to his behaviour that he blamed entirely on his anxiety and depression.
Your husband knows what he is doing to you, yet he is doing nothing about his mental health. You can't stand by someone who is slowly destroying you, blaming it on their mental health, yet aren't taking any responsibility for their mental illnesses.
Yes, I noted he got heart burn, but has he been back to doctor/psychiatrist to try a different medication? Does he see a psychologist to learn appropriate coping mechanisms rather than be a horrendously abusive monster? In saying all that, maybe his abusive ways are related to his mental health, but maybe its deeper than that, perhaps its just his personality.
You're not his support person honey, your just hanging there as his personal punching bag for when he feels shit. You deserve better and even though I dont know you, I'm incredibly proud of you for separating. Reach out for support from a DV counsellor. xxx
Oh lovely… You can love him but your not his rehab or his punching bag!
Life is way too short to live with someone who drags you down rather than lift you up
Sending some virtual strength and hugs!
Tell the world and get yourself some support so your not alone.
Stop protecting an abuser… your abuser… he is an abuser regardless of his piss poor excuses. Mental health is manageable and not a reason to abuse someone.
Bloody oath it is! Depressed or not that is fucked up. Stay strong and don’t go back. No one deserves to be spoken to like that.
Yes, my beautiful, strong, warrior Mumma, this is Domestic Violence.
We grow up thinking DV has to be extreme violence, because that's what they portray on the ads etc, but it can also be emotional. Please, please stay strong and don't go back, and he will probably gaslight you, tell you how sorry he is, how it was all his fault, how he will change - and sometimes they can play that role for months, but their true colours always come trickling back in until you're back to square one. I lived this for 15 years. I have my 4 beautiful kids that I am forever grateful for, but my mental health will never be the same. Almost half my life was stolen from me and I can't even remember half of it because I've blocked it out.
And I'm probably going to cop flack because he has mental health issues etc, same as my ex did, but so do we and leaving is how we heal and honestly, how we survive.
Stay strong Mumma. Stay safe Mumma. And most importantly, don't go back.
100% dv
It's emotional and psychological abuse.
Look up what a healthy relationship looks like and what a toxic relationship looks like.
Any name calling, belittling or anything that makes you feel like shit is not okay. Also stop looking at the "when he is good he's great" and look at the "he is horrible to me regardless of the good times this is not okay". Also look up the cycle of abuse, this will show you why there are good times amongst the bad.
A relationship is supposed to be give and take not just take take take. He is expecting you to make allowances for him and his mental health and to take on extra responsibility when he isn't well but when you need him to do the same he isnt there for you.