Help please
*content warning family violence*
I don’t know what I am asking for or why I am writing this. I guess I feel stupid and tired and maybe some advice or similar situations or someone who knows what happens next would help.
Last night the police were called to my residence I share with my partner, my parents and our son because my partner, his dad, turned up at 1am who was drunk and belligerent, verbally abusive and frightening. We have been in a bad place for awhile and his mental health is not the best currently with the recent deaths of both his mother and father, we had argued earlier in the day and he went out drinking and to the pubs and clubs gambling and drinking for hours.
He smashed his phone that I pay for under my name and was punching and kicking the fence and decking and although he grabbed me to move me, he was never physically violent with me. He had a childhood record but had been doing so good, 10 years without getting into trouble (since meeting me) and was abusive to the police when they came.
The police have served a protective order, but I can’t help but feel I have ruined his life by talking to them. He will have no money (drained the saving to go on this bender), no phone, nowhere to stay, no vehicle (because he uses my car) and no reason to live. He spoke about killing himself. I can’t explain it but I feel responsible and I still care for this man and want the best for him and for him to be a good dad which makes me really stupid I know, but he is fine when he is sober. I don’t know what to do because we share a child together and I am worried about what happens now.
I have a court summons on Monday to attend and I have never been in this situation before. My parents have said he can’t come back, and he has no other friends or family where we live so no supports to do better for his son and for him - I believe he was sleeping rough last night and it’s cold and rainy where we live at the moment. I feel like I have doomed him but I tried so hard to get him to calm down and be quiet so no one would hear him and I just feel so defeated and deflated, no one explained what happens when we go to court tomorrow (if he shows up) or what I need to ask for or say or do or provide. I am just so lost and never expected to be here.
7 Replies
Call a DV helpline. 1800RESPECT. They will talk you through the process.
You are not responsible for any of his actions that have led to this outcome. If he's a great person when sober, then maybe this will be the wake up smack that he needs.
You have not ruined his life - HE HAS.
You are having a victim mentality about this because most DV victims do. Of you still care for him, he's your (hopefully ex) partner.
The plain truth is, abusive people do not stop. They get worse over time. This isn't a one off big blow up, this is an escalation and the start of worse things to come.
Police (in QLD, anyway) will put in a protective order whether you want it or not, because a lot of women in your situation won't speak up, and they continue the abuse cycle in silence.
Get yourself some support and counselling.
You're seeing this so skewed. What happens next, I was going to say, is that youl probably go back to him, or be tempted, so be careful. Then you wrote it all.
You can't save him. You had a domestic violence incident at your home. He was physically violent. With you. At your home. Don't skip over that. Don't make it small. You had to call the police to your own home because of HIM. HIS VIOLENT BEHAVIOUR.
What happens next is you need to get your own help, to help get your head in a better space. Start thinking properly about you and the kids, not making his mental health your problem.
The death of him mum and dad in no way excuses his behaviour.
To be honest this sounds more than a rough patch. Red flags to me 1. You were living with your parents, 2. You seem to be financially responsible for him, 3. He has no other support system than you. I think if you look carefully there will be signs that this situation wasn’t that stable to begin with.
The police would have given him resources before releasing him (contact for men’s shelter etc).
I assume he is eligible for Centrelink payments, like every other unemployed person.
You have not ruined his life. He has done that himself with his own dangerous, terrifying actions. He can access GPs and if he is suicidal he can take himself to the ER and they’ll admit him to the psych dept and set him up with resources. If he was in psych distress the police would have involved services when they had him custody.
In my state (south Australia) there is a free 24hr walk in psych clinic he could walk into.
Your parents are right to lay that boundary, and not allow him back. They deserve to feel safe in there own home.
I suggest you access services through your GP and 1800respect so you can get your head clear. Because you and your child are the Victims in this situation. And the fact you are more worried about him, the perpetrator, is concerning.
You have a choice. Save a man that is volatile and uses you, or save your son from growing up thinking that's how men behave and probably ending up in jail too. Also, if you go with him, you'll risk having your children taken out of your care after what police witnessed. You need to break the cycle.
He’s a grown adult, he should be driving his own car, have his own phone, have his own residence - not yours!! It sounds like he’s using you and I hope you can see that you’d be so much better off without him. You haven’t ruined his life, it’s all on him.
You are feeling sorry for him!! STOP IT NOW. He is the only one who can pick his life up and fix things. You making excuses for him won’t help and you will continue to live in this cycle. He got what he deserved! Stop feeling sorry for him! Look after you and your kid. You are a victim here not him! Always remember that. Next thing he will be crying to you and apologising and you are taking him back. STOP! There is no excuses for his behaviour.
Do you want your son to think this is ok and make excuses from him in court when he treats his future partner badly and is belligerent to police in the process?
"Judge, he's really a good kid when he's not drinking, drunk...."