Am I the A-Hole??
I need help on a situation between myself and my mother.
Please keep in mind that there is much more to the story than what I'm writing here. There is a lot of hurt and wrong doing on both sides, it will just be a novel so I'm just sharing the immediate issue. There is a question at the end of this.
My parents got divorced in 2020, seperated for 3-4 years before that. My male parent (I'll call "B") has had a couple of girlfriends, my mum has not moved on at all.
I went no contact with "B" in August 2021. I was sick of the verbal, emotional, and mental abuse. Sick of the way "B" spoke about myself and my husband. "B" also started to try and bring my kids into the fights and that was the final straw. I still allowed a small amount of supervised contact between my kids and "B", I believed at the time that it wasn't fair to my kids who still had a fairly good relationship with him to miss out. Adult problems are not for kids to shoulder, however i stepped in when he tried to guilt my oldest and he told me that he wants nothing to do with any of us. There has been no contact between "B" and my family since.
The fights (verbal) increasingly became very nasty between myself and "B", and I dont like the person I became around him. This is what lead to me cutting contact and I'm much happier. I'm getting help for my trauma and mental health.
The issue is I do not call "B" Dad or my Father. I call "B" by his name. I do not consider him to be my male parent. As far as I am concerned he abandoned his family and doesn't deserve that title. My mum hates that I call "B" by his name, and still refers to "B" as my Dad or Father to me, but as a consession, she accepts that i call "B" by his name because "that's what I have to do". I have asked her repeatedly not to call him that to me. It affects my mental health and it upsets me greatly. It is having a serious negative affect on me. It took years for me to be able to be strong enough to realise that he doesn't control my life. As I said, I am in therapy today help deal with the abuse from him. She refuses saying she won't because it upsets her and I just have to deal with it. Exact quote from her is "he is your biological parent so he is your father. I won't refer about him to my children by his first name because that is how I was raised. If he was a step-parent then that is different"
As a kid I was always told to just move on, he is my dad so I should forgive him, he loves me he just shows it is a weird way, I hold onto grudges and that's the problem... That BS. I wont do that any more. "B" is the type of person where if you like or do anything different then he has an issue with it. He is very 1950s, men are the boss, everyone should obey him because he is head of the family, etc etc. He also only cares about money and how people view him. He is very two faced, around people he was pleasant, behind closed doors he was a dictator and if you challenged him, oh boy did you pay. And I did, I fought against him constantly. Then I became an adult and he still believed he controlled me and what I do. I went down a dark path (nothing illegal, no drugs), thankfully I am out of it now but it is still used against me and I'm now in my 30s.
My mums hates that we fight, was always trying to get us to forgive and move on. To just suck it up basically. For years I had said I'd had enough but she kept saying that he is my dad and I need to forgive him, move on stop holding grudges etc etc.
As I said, novel. There are so many issues at play, but this is one of the biggest.
So finally if you got to this point thankyou. Who is in the right here? Am I right that my mum needs to respect that he is not my Dad, and to stop calling him that? Or am I wrong?
22 Replies
You need to respect that your mum has made her own choices and if she doesn't see what he did as wrong, then no she's not going to agree that the father of her children is not. That's a hard thing to ask.
If it helps you, and your psych agrees, then you do what works. But part of it is managing the other relationships as well. I'm surprised you're not more upset at your mother honestly for the long term bullshit, rather than this. With help, you'll decide where your boundaries are, but I wouldn't expect your mum's help to get there.
Oh I am. But that is a whole other issue. She doesn't believe a lot of what happened even when other family members witnessed it and stood up for me. After the abuse he put her through, she still takes his side.
Oh it's definitely the same issue. That's the father of her kids and in her delusion, that's been going on for a lot of years so it's going to be really deep, but she wants there to be no issue in anything he (or she) has done. You're expecting too much of her.
I don't have a great relationship with either of my parents so believe me, I get all the behind the scenes nuance and bullshit that people who have loving relationships with their folks probably can't fully understand.
But in saying that, the fact that she still refers to him as your dad isn't the hill I'd be dying on.
Persevere with your therapy, you've got a lot of childhood trauma to unpack here. I don't think it would hurt to re-evaluate your relationship with mum too because there's clearly some issues there as well.
Thank you. Yes there is a lot but I'd be here for years writing about it.
I think it's a bit much to ask your Mum to stop referring to him as your dad when she's done it for 30 years. It's not her fight just let her be. If it really bothers you just politely ask that neither of you talk about him at all.
Sorry- but he is your dad. You don't have to like him, but he's your dad. Dad isn't a name earned.... it's biological. There are good and bad dads. Don't let him impact on your relationship with you mum.
If she knows you are seeking help and it affect you so much; then she isn’t doing the right thing by you. She needs to understand how much it mentally affects you. I wouldn’t cut back in contact if I cou don’t cope, if she didn’t change it for you. She can’t pretend it’s all perfect and you just have to call him dad. He has obviously done alot of damage to you. She needs to not sweep it under the door.she needs to understand and support you and your wishes, for your own mental health.
I would cut back contact with your mum
Biologically though he is your father.
As much as you wish and don’t refer to him as such factually he is. I do hope you have found a supportive therapist to work this through with.
Ask her not to mention him at all. There should be no reason you need to have him in conversation.
I would focus on putting in boundaries around discussions about him
I have repeatedly. She does it anyway
There's no right, and there's no winners.
I'm sorry.
Mine was similar except it was my mum refusing to abide by my request to stop talking to me about the sibling that sexually abused me for years. "He's my son too and I can't turn my back on him" was the response. I told her I never asked that of her, that all I wanted was to not have to see him or hear about him. Then I walked away for my own sanity. It was hard but it had to be done.
Sounds like you're on that path now. Like me, you may find after a few years your mother finally gets it through her skull that if she wants a relationship with you again she needs to do what SHE needs to do for that to happen.
I'm so sorry. How heartbreaking. I can't imagine going through all of that.
Yes, that's what it's leading to. She refuses to recognise the hurt and pain he has caused me. The little she does acknowledge, she minimises.
Some people, they just can't deal with their own hurt. It's easier not to, but it's just so toxic to those of us that want to break free of the abuse victim mentality.
Adult kids can take break ups pretty hard, even harder than the parents. I have seen it all play out with my aunt and uncle and their kids. They got heavily involved in the divorce and caused a lot of problems when my uncle moved on.
You feel hurt that he's broken up your family, left your mum lonely and probably treating his new gfs better than you've ever seen him treat your mum. This makes you angry, it makes you feel cheated that he's capable of treating someone really well while the rest of you get forgotten about and you get left to pick up the pieces of your mum. You start to look back on every reason why you should hate him and you confirm with yourself that it's the right thing to do, hate him. You want him to feel the same rejection that he has made you and your mum feel, you want him to feel like he lost a child just like you feel you've lost a parent. You're angry at your mum for not sharing your intense anger and still refer to him as your "Dad".
Op here. Im not at all angry about the divorce, I believe my mum is better off without him. I'm angry at him for the years of abuse towards me, for him trying to start the cycle again with my kids, and how he treated my husband. I'm angry at myself for not standing up to him sooner.
It's unfair to drag your mum into that and be petty over her calling your father your dad.
I think your mum is right in that B is your father or dad. You can't rewrite history and delete him just by referring to him by his first name.
It might be challenging to your boundaries but we don't always know what goes on in the other person's head.
Not saying to get over your trauma, but it might make your mother feel better if you just kept things simple. You can still express yourself but being direct so there's no mistake. "I dont like how B use to do xyz and it impacted me to this day..." could hold a "My father was covertly abusing us as children up until recently.
Everyone will know who you are talking about.
I'm sorry you feel like this, I hope you find a compromise.
Without knowing the full story my advice is to stick to.your guns but also realise you cannot control everyone else. You may have to learn to be ok with other people referring to him as your dad or father however you are under no ob ligation to.refer to him as that yourself. You know the truth. I understand it is your mum and she should support you but she has a choice as well. She is also still under his spell and was married to the man for a long time and potentially effected as well but you need to focus on you not on her and let her make her own decisions as well and respect them. To other people it is just a word as biologically he is, but without explaining the situation to everyone you are not going to be able to avoid hearing him called that. The best option is to choose to shut down the conversation and not engage. "Sorry I would rather we don't discuss this or mention him thankyou".
Your mental health is important but you also need to learn to make peace with the fact you cannot control what others say and do not let them get to you by referring to him as your dad/father. By learning to control your actions and responses you become in control of the triggers and your mental health will not be as affected. Easier said than done. Good luck.
I don't know if it's the fact that I'm finally seeking help myself and realising I really truly do hold so much resentment towards my own Mother or not - but I am slowly taking steps to cut her from my life and God it feels amazing! Not sure if that's an option for you or not, but if she can't respect your truth, if she is still ignoring how you feel then honey it won't ever change. You have no obligation to respect her in this scenario, if he hasn't been a Father then he doesn't deserve the title. Simple.
And cutting my Mother off has been hard, she raised me and my two sisters as a single Mum, but they've cut her off and ultimately me as well because I still stood up for her, but now I see just how toxic she was/is to all of us and not just me. I could write a novel as well so I completely understand x
I think it's a shit situation where no one is going to get what they need.
If you are in therapy you need to work through what boundaries you have with you mum. This man is your father/dad no matter how you feel. That's the fact. However you are also entitled not to talk about him. So in order to have any relationship with your mum don't discuss him. Ever! if she starts cut it off. If she can't respect that you might also need to limit contact with her. She was his victim for a long time from the sounds of it too, however is she can't / won't seek help and healing she can't support you in your journey. She is living what she knows even if that's not what you need .