Hello. I am posting this in the hopes of some guidance, advice, support (all of the above basically) as i feel so lousy as a Mother atm.
My 11 year old daughter came home from school one day well over a year ago now and informed me that she was bisexual and that she had a girlfriend. I told her I was happy for her and that i was also extremely grateful that she felt so comfortable telling me this. No big deal.
Then one day whilst driving her to school she told me that she was pansexual. This one knocked me for 6 as I'd never really heard this before so I asked her what that was. She explained it in a way that i understood so again, no big deal.
This next part is where i need help. She wrote a letter to Santa last night and left it with her Elves (I don't kid myself, i know she dosen't believe in Santa and the Elves anymore but I still do it until it's confirmed). When i moved the Elves i read the letter and she had signed the letter with her name/Allen. She signed it off with a "male" name.
This morning I asked her why she signed it with "Allen" and she said because that's her male name. I asked her lots of questions like; did she want to be a boy - no she wants to be both male and female. I got a bit cranky/upset because she couldn't explain what she means by both. I asked if she meant non binary and she said no, I'm confusing it for gender fluid. So i told her she will remain a female and be known by her given name until she is 18. We hugged it out, but now i feel like absolute cr@p. I then done some reading on the different terminology and spoke to her again. She said she is gender fluid and has felt this way now for a few months.
I don't understand this at all. I want too but I am struggling, that's why I'm reaching out here. What does this mean? How do I support her without understanding what I'm supporting? I admit that I am old school when it comes to dating so all this is new to me, but I'm not heartless. I am an extremely compassionate person and so is she, I want to understand and appreciate my only child for who she is. But part of me can't help thinking this is a phase, she's being influenced by her friends etc.
I am in no way homophobic, i myself have had girlfriends growing up and I have gay and lesbian relatives. I know I'm uneducated in the new generation (I'm sorry if I've worded this wrong). That's why i want help. I love her no matter what, but I'm still allowed to be confused by it.
Do i take her to counselling to talk her feelings out to help her understand herself or would that be interpreted as me trying to change her? Or do I just go with the flow? I don't know what to do!
Thank you if you have read until the end.
PS, please keep answers real but not mean. I was/am struggling with life atm and not understanding my child makes me feel like the worst human alive.
13 Replies
To me, it sounds wonderful that you clearly have a very open relationship with her where if you see something you chat with her and ask her and she's quite open to sign off Allen and tell you things, and explain things the way she sees and feels.
I'd say just keep going.
Counselling isn't a bad thing. I would offer it if she's struggling, overwhelmed or feels she can't connect with you or needs someone. I actually don't think you two need counselling to communicate, it sounds like you're doing a great job.
And my personal view, with a similar child, is that it could be a phase, it could be testing out waters and feelings, it could fizzle, it may evolve, who knows, but accepting and letting them explore and test things is not going to push them into being something they're not, but demanding they can't could be quite negative in a few different ways.
I think you sound like an amazing parent trying to support your child. I’m sorry I don’t have any advice but it sounds positive that your child feels they can be open with you.
You sound amazing.
Maybe look at it like her trying on lots of different hats and trying to find the right fit.
Some days one hat will be right, the next a new one.
So maybe don’t get too deep into her labels of herself and go with the flow.
As she matures, she’ll find out who she is.
It’s popular culture at the moment, all the new terminology, kids can explore a lot more and thank god those that don’t fall into the traditional roles, can be who they are (time will tell if this is your daughter).
My son in year 7 told me of a girl he knew who came out bi and had a gf, it was like nothing to him. I think the younger they are, the more accepting they are.
You sound amazing! I think if you put less emphasis on the label having a black and white meaning, and just know that some days she'll be Allen and other days she won't and just roll with whatever comes each day, you will be fine. I'm pretty confused with the labels and their specific meanings too so let her educate you by example.
I know transgender people usually know very early in life.... But now education is so prevalent that every second kid says they're this, that or the other now.
Seriously, I barely know any kids around that age that identify as straight and the gender that aligns with their biological sex! Honestly, the fact of the matter is that for the majority of them, they're too young to be anything-sexual...
I wouldn't dismiss her though. I just wouldn't get too caught up in it. Kind of like kids trying different sports... You support them but realise next year they might like soccer instead of rugby. My biggest concern is parents being so gung Ho to be accepting that the child feels like they can't say, actually, I think I'm just straight and not a huge fan of pink...
My daughter is 11 and half of the girls in the class say things like this.i think social media and friends have a huge influence these days. Half of the kids think it’s a trend and the other half are genuinely struggling with it. Seek professional help for both of you. Get a care plan from your dr for a child psychologist and go from there. She will sort through her feelings with expert advice and have some guidance along the way. You are an amazing mum.
We had an 11 yr old girl at our house Thursday/Friday this week. This year alone she has said she is a number of things. The latest is non-binary pan sexual. So this morning, my 10 yr old son said he has no gender. I responded with 'cool! Now you can be on my team when daddy and I are arguing about whether boys or girls are smarter'...
He immediately responded with 'no way! Boys are smarter because daddy and I are great at maths'... I responded with 'But daddy is terrible at spelling and I'm great'... We play bickered for a bit more and then I pointed out that he'd referred to himself as a boy the whole time. He responded 'oh yeah! I am a boy!'
I think some of these terms are too mature for kids. Pan sexuals are only attracted to people they have a romantic attraction to regardless of gender. In practice, they're bisexual and only have sex with people they're romantically interested in/in love with. Sorry... But most 11 yr old kids don't know whether they'll have sex with people just because of a physical attraction or itch to scratch because they aren't having sex!
I don't think I could understand how to cope with what your child is traveling through but you seem to be navigating it as best you can.
Sending strength. You can reach out to a child psychologist without your daughter?
I'm studying to be a teacher, im an older student studying later in life.
When I was in school as a child being gay was something to be teased about the world was a dark place for rainbow kids!
Something I have learnt while studying and spending alot of time in schools is that being LGBTQ is cool! Which is so amazing! I saw one student come out as trans and half the class didn't seem to batter an eye lid and the rest of the students just thought the student was awesome! And I saw some students who wanted to be just like the trans student and start saying they now wanted to be called a different pronoun aswell.
I approached one of my trans friends to ask about the phenomenon because I wanted to know if students were following along because they wanted to be like the trans student. Her reply was amazing. She said does it matter? End of the day in an open environment all children will find their own way to who they want to be.
So my advise would be keep doing what you are doing.
They are figuring it all out as they go as well. Give them time and allow them to explore what works for them. Be there to support.
I love that you’re trying to understand.
You clearly love your daughter. Depression and suicide rates amongst LGBQTI+ young people is very high and being able to be open about it with loved ones is a huge help for them. You’re a great mum.
I have no advice really, however, this is a massive thing. You’ll need to look after your mental health. I hope I don’t offend by saying this. Consider getting counseling for yourself. Being strong in the mind yourself will mean you can be there for your daughter in a stronger way.
Take care of you. Much love.
I so could have written this word for word. My 11 year old has done every one of these over the last year. Her male name is Caleb ( happens to be the name I would have given had she been born male). I'm just going with the flow here as I actually think it's a phase and one day she/he will either come out as a gorgeous girl or a handsome boy. Until then I have a beautiful girl/boy
Id suggest not forcing your child to use the name they don't associate with or the gender. It won't hurt to call your child Allen will it? Or what ever they ask you to refer to them as?